Monday, March 16, 2009

Forty...Yup That's Me!

This has been an emotional month for me. I think partially it is because I am turning....40...this month. That is just as hard to type as it is to say. People think I'm silly for getting worked up about 40...what is the big deal with 40? Well, I've never had a problem with any other age...why 40?

That little girl up there is me. If the picture was developed in the month and year it was taken, I would be about 4 years old...almost 5. I can't say that I miss my childhood, that is not why I'm down about turning 40. Maybe it is because I always thought 40 was old...I understand now that age is relative....40 is in fact is the new 30 I believe. Perhaps I feel like such an old Mommy of young children. Seriously, I know this was God's plan...because I tried for all of my 20s and most of my 30s to get pregnant. Hmmm? Still, maybe it might be that I don't feel that I'm mature enough to be 40. I mean...I have some wonderful friends who are in their 20s and yet, I have some amazing friends who are in their 70s....and then my best friend is in her 40s and I have many great friends in their 30s too. UGH! I think I feel like a misfit!

I guess too, that I kind of thought by now I would have written my first book and joined the Women of Faith Conference Speakers...;) and here I am taking care of 3 young boys, a husband and one 91 year old man. No regrets here...don't get me is just that I can't shake this feeling of dread about turning 40.

Then there is this next picture:

This is my Dad..according to this picture....this was 36 years ago this month. He died 13 years ago this month...I loved this man! He wasn't perfect, but he was mine and he loved me and I think I miss him a lot this month. Even now, as I type these words, I am all teary...sometimes...I just want to crawl up on the couch next to my Dad and snuggle...I can still feel the way he held me. I miss it! To him I was beautiful, to him I was worth fighting for, to him I was his baby!

Even now as I pen these words, I know what my Father in Heaven is saying: "Lisa I love when you let Me hold you, to Me you are beautiful, the apple of My eye, to Me you are worth fighting for, to Me you are and always will be My baby and I love you with an everlasting love! You do know that neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us."

Thank you Lord for my Dad. Because of him, my God image was never scarred. I never once doubted the Love of my Lord!

I think this is why I blog/journal....discovery! Translating my heart into words often times helps me discover some hidden truths that have been shadowed by my clouded mind.

So perhaps it is the simple truth that 40 is just another day, another year, whatever. I look forward to letting everyone know that the day came and went and I feel exactly the same as I do today. Actually, truth be told, I'll be spending my big day in the Magic doesn't get much better than that...perhaps I will come back the next day and feel/look like I'm 30 again! Either way, its going to happen...and I'm glad that I have been blessed with so much to be thankful for for these past 40 years.


placeofgrace said...

Turning 40 - a big thing - I think so too. We're also turning 40 this year and I know all the feelings you describe. I also have this silent dissapointment: I'm turning 40 and by now I wanted to be somewhere, to have done something great etc. etc. But maybe being a mother is something great, writing an oral essay for a 9 year old at 6hoo in the morning is making a difference. And I also miss my dad. he's still alive but I miss sitting on his lap, feeling protected by his love.

Oh well, the day after 40....we'll probably just continue with live.

Allison Reynolds said...

You are such a blessing! Live life to the fullest and God promises of 80 years of strength...I am grabbing that promise and running with it!

Michelle said...

You're young in spirit! You're wise in the Lord. You're humble in nature and my dad says "Life begins at 50"- you're still a baby!