Gazing At My Tree

Although we have awesome trees in our backyard, I'm not talking about any of those trees. I'm speaking of the project my cousin (actually a few cousins) have been working on: our family tree.

Perhaps because my children are fascinated with the fact that we are indeed decedents of John Adams from my father's side of the family (I think), and the interesting fact that my grandparents along with all of my uncles, aunt and my mother were born in Palermo Italy, and according to documentation (and first hand account) arrived at Ellis Island in 1940, among other very exciting details of people in our lineage that keep coming up on our tree. It has made me think about how about my parents. I lost my mother when I was 10 years old and my father when I was in my 20s. I'm going to be officially middle aged tomorrow. My mother was not much older than I am now when she passed away.

I know..this is not a light and fun post. I'm about to change that - hang in to the end. As we prayed before bedtime tonight, my boys wished me a happy birthday, and thanked God for me, told me how much they loved me...I was keenly aware of the many blessings in my life.

Yes, I did live a very difficult life. My one cousin fills me in on some details of my childhood from time to time..and I sit back and mourn for that little girl. This little girl, who was being raised so tumultuously, who was placed in environments no child should ever have to endure. Yet...even in the worst of times, it is as plain as the nose on my face...the Lord had me in the palm of His hand.

I can remember the people he placed in my life that brought rays of sunshine in some of the darkest moments. That included my parents...both of them...as difficult as it was for my mother during those years...she loved me deeply. There were others that God placed in my life too: camp counselors, Sunday School teachers, teachers, principals, friends, extended family....and I am who I am...because of their influence, their prayers and the Grace of God. (Oh Lord may we be rays of sunshine to others, may we look beyond their difficult disposition or the weight that they carry...and be a ray of sunshine to someone else!)

I can't help but think that 44 years ago, when my mother went into labor with me (and apparently almost died), that the Lord knew every detail of my life. The darkest moments as well as the rays of sunshine that he would place at those strategic times so I can recognize His glory. He knew and still knows all that lies before me. Reflecting on all of this has made me so aware of the enormous joy it brings our Heavenly Father knowing what He has planned for me is wonderful, amazing and far better than I could ever think or imagine. I'm sure I wasn't thinking that He had great plans for me when I was being abused, but that doesn't change the fact that He did indeed have great plans for me (and still does). 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I'm living them right now. I believe if God were, in haste, tell us what lies before us, we wouldn't be able to be as appreciative. Perhaps we'd even come to feel like we are somehow entitled. Friends, it is only His Grace...and never ending, unconditional, incomprehensible love that we can indeed have a Hope! I so desperately want to always remember, and continue to shout it from the rooftop, to always be on the look out for His personal love notes to us. They are there. Those little rays of sunshine in our dark times. They are always there.

So as my cousins work on the family tree, I sit and gaze in awe and wonder. My Father in Heaven, created this tree. Every single leaf was intentional. Every single leaf that has died, was special to Him. He watered that tree, He nurtured every single leaf on that tree. However, I know that some of the leaves weren't even aware of His presence. They were unable to see the Son shining. Some still refuse to see His tender hand pruning, and tending, and loving. Not me. Especially as I gaze on the tree and look at the very young leaves, I think...oh my Master Gardner has such great plans for these precious leaves. They will bloom, bring Him glory, do their part for the Glory of His Kingdom. Likewise, as I turn a year older, I know I'm changing color on that tree, but I will take all the tending, pruning, watering, and Son shine that I can soak in until He calls me home. I want to bring Him Glory! I like the trees that David talks about in the Psalms, I too will clap my hands before Him and sing praises to His name. He has done great and mighty deeds when it comes to this ever changing leaf...and I don't want to ever take one moment for granted. Thank you Lord...even though the words don't seem to do justice...you know what lies deep in my heart!

Someday I'm Gonna Be!

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."  1 Thes. 5:11

He's the object of much of my learning and much of my writing. I love him so much! With all of his challenges, learning disabilities and social issues, he continues to draw most everyone he meets to see Jesus in a special way. I can't really explain it. He is just a genuine love, uniquely created to bring Him glory!

As I have written in the past, this boy was my last to pull out of school to homeschool. Yes, I was fearful, I admit it. Could I possibly help him more than he is already being helped? If I can't, then I am the only one to blame.

Throughout the past 9 years since he was first diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder an autism spectrum disorder) I have been very conscious of how we have encouraged him. We have cried and pondered and hoped and wondered and prayed about his future. There is no doubt that we have made the right decision to bring him home. He has grown so much academically, but most importantly he has grown up so much more in so many other areas of his life...we are so incredibly blessed to be a first hand witness to the miraculous hand of God in this child's life.

The truth is, my sweet boy is getting older. (I know...I don't like this part!) He is becoming so much more aware of his abilities and even his disabilities. He is having a hard time accepting that he is "behind" others in his age or grade (including his twin brother...and even his younger brother in some areas). Typically we have always accentuated each of their strengths. "Oh you are an amazing artist!" or "You are such a studious child!" or "You have a gift for athletics!" They even realize each others gifts...and encourage one another by praising each other in their differences.  What about aspirations for the future?

Well, in the past, I've concentrated on encouraging anything and everything he might be interested in. "I'm going to be a zookeeper when I grow up Mom!" You will be a great zookeeper! "I want to be a 'smoothie guy' (a guy who makes smoothies)" You will an amazing smoothie guy if that is what you want to be. See, that would be my encouraging him in whatever he wants to pursue.

In my prayer journal I write about my children and their future. I prayed about Kyle's concern about being..."behind". It was breaking my heart! Even though I would tell him, that he wasn't behind..he was right where he should be...it is only natural to compare yourself...not healthy but certainly natural.

I have had to dig deep, and try many ways of teaching this child so that he can remember something. Kyle suffers from short term memory problems. We're trying something new...and I think its working. After one of our school day's this week I said these words to him...and little did I know the impact. "Kyle, you are doing so well! I'm so proud of you. You know, you would make a great teacher some day!"

A few days later I'm teaching another superhero at the table and I hear Kyle and his Dad chatting in the other room. As he sits in his Dad's lap, he says these words..."You know, someday, I'm going to be a teacher. Probably I will teach reading!" I was overwhelmed with joy (which of course manifested in tears)! I didn't just encourage him, but clearly, I spoke life into him.

That night as I prayed, the Lord reminded me of a memory stored way deep in my heart. I was a high school teacher, teaching interviewing skills about 15-16 years ago. I had many of my students in several classes. This one girl in particular struggled academically. I remember always trying to say something positive to every student - its important to find something. THERE IS GREAT POWER IN OUR WORDS! They can be used to build up or destroy! I remember saying to her one year when she was in my keyboarding class that she was a great speller. She would rarely have spelling mistakes in her timed writings - so that is where I was able to "speak life" into her - I know..it wasn't much. The following year she was in my class where I was teaching interviewing skills. We had a mock interview with the vice principal and I always video taped it and we would watched them together in class the following week. When the VP asked her what her strengths were, I remember she paused, thought about it, sat up straight in her chair and said..."Well, I'm a really good speller!" I have no idea of the lasting impact of those words in her life. How those words could have made a difference.

I have no idea what Kyle will be when he grows up. But I am going to be more purposeful in planting seeds in his precious heart. I'm going to be more diligent than ever in watering and nurturing the soil of his heart. Finally, I am going to continue to not only agree and encourage all of my children in their aspirations for their future, but also dream big and pray big about what they can/will do and continue to encourage them to reach beyond what seems just a reality! I never want to limit my dreams for them or their own dreams for themselves! I trust God! I've seen him do miraculous things already! Of course you can be a police officer. You could be a lawyer, mayor, yes even president!

You could be a teacher Kyle! Yes you could. In fact, you would be an amazing teacher. So encouraging, so loving, so caring! So able! I don't know what he will be when he grows up...but I do know...he's gonna be!

Lessons From The Little House...

April 2011 Loving the flowers in front of the Little House

on Willow Oak! Two of my children are studying early American History and in my opinion there is no better way to watch the expansion of the US than watching Little House On The Prairie. I have always LOVED the show when it was on television. Then it was in syndication while I was pregnant and on bed rest and I was obsessed with watching every episode. That was before Netflix and DVDs.

Now I sit on Monday nights with my two boys while my other is at youth group and we watch a few episodes...in order of course. There are so many lessons to be learned in each one. Something to take away for today. We have only seen the pilot movie and then we just watch the first 2 episodes of season 1 and I have cried at every one. I wonder if I will cry for every single episode?

So what am I thinking about tonight? As my husband woke up at 8:30pm this evening and we made the transition to bed by 9:00pm for my children, I thought about my life in our little house on Willow Oak.

So many things are falling apart. The car, the shed (very dangerous), the fence, we've got little acrobatic ants now, the electricity in my kitchen is faulty...so many things. We gave up cable TV about two years ago..and purchased an antenna. What a hoot, this week as my boys and I crowded around my TV as we took turns holding the antenna "just so" so that we could get a halfway decent reception. We went for a walk this weekend and I reminded my husband that a year ago, he didn't have a job, our lives had changed dramatically as Pop had died last March. We prayed big and God provided for our every need. Now he has a job, and we are presently paying off what we owed during our time of famine. I told him how happy it makes me feel for him that he is a homeowner, with a fine nursing job and a family who loves him and is so proud of him. I (in my ever so careful way) also mentioned that he must be 'excited' about getting some things done around the house. Of course I know he has never learned how to fix things, make repairs, or any of that...and he's a bit nervous of doing more damage than good. Then he explained to me, that the dreams he has doesn't match the income he receives. I know it doesn't.

The blessing to do this in our back yard.

Then tonight as I reflect on our little house, I realize that it is full of very big things. Huge miracles from God...priceless treasures in the children that bring so much joy. The honor and privilege we have to homeschool our children, the time we get to spend together...reading together, playing games, laughing, watching Little House episodes. The sacrifices that we have made, to live with less, (in comparison to the rest of the world is NOTHING), but for where we live, it has done a great deal in the raising of my boys. We treasure things like time, laughter, and joy and even sorrow. We've learned contentment (even though at times we long for more). We can look around and see beyond the broken cabinets, old mattresses, and dilapidated sheds and see a sense of humor, a big yard, and have I mentioned laughter. Wow, we giggle a lot around here. This makes me very thankful for Pa (aka.) Mr. Incredible and his love and faith that he models for my children. Thankful for my boys, far from country boys, but their love for one another, the Lord and for others runs true and deep. Thankful that we even have a Little House...and no mortgage. Praise God! So as I listened to the laughter tonight coming from the other side of the house and Pa said goodnight/goodbye to the boys...I smiled and realized we've learned many lessons in our Little House and I'm sure we'll be learning many more.

Selah

I have read  that "Selah" means "stop and listen". I love to do that, right here.

I wanted to steal a page from my son's journal..."The Psalms of Shane", but I looked everywhere for it and couldn't find it at all. It doesn't help that we have an excess of composition notebooks in this house. At any rate, I thought about his little book of praise today. He started writing in that book the day after he had a very very difficult day. He woke up and had already repented before God so now it was time to come to me and that sometimes is more difficult. "I already asked God to forgive me and help me be a better listener. Do you forgive me?" These are some of my most favorite moments of being a parent. The moments when we can TOTALLY show the amazing LOVE of Jesus. "Yes, of course, I forgive you, I had already forgiven you and I love you like crazy! My love for you will never end Shane, no matter what!"

His book of Psalms came out of his life wrenching moments. Just like many of the Psalms David wrote. Indeed my sweet son, you are a man after God's own heart.

Today, as I sat discouraged about some of the "extra" things that I do. The work and time that I put in to some things seem at times not really to matter to others. You plan and prepare and its on your mind continuously, but when the rubber hits the road, sometimes its really only on your mind, it doesn't matter "that much" to others...and it can get discouraging. I could feel it...."The Psalms of Lisa" were about to be birthed.

I had to walk away from my list of things to do. Just for a moment. I closed my door, went to my spot, and asked the Lord if I'm really supposed to be doing this, because I just want to cry. I don't want to care about this any more, maybe its time for me to lay it down, walk away, let someone else handle it...or NOT.

He reminded me, as He is so faithful to do:"You do these things for me. Out of obedience, you not only do these things, but you do them with excellence, because I love you!" I love you too Lord! "You do these things for My Glory, for My children, it may seem like 'just an event', but it is My desire to minister to these people. It is on My mind and I'm the only One that matters. 'Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters...' "

Oh how things work so I can learn a lesson. So I spent the rest of my time reciting "The Psalms of Lisa". I just spent a few minutes being thankful...because really...His love endures forever...and I have much to be thankful for. (Modeled after Psalm 107, which ironically enough I read this morning during my quiet time!)

Give thanks to the Lord for His very timely, yet very gentle reminders.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord for my children are really my educators.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord for His Word that gives me everything I need to live.
His love endures forever.

to Him who is always on His throne and is never surprised by anything or anyone,
His love endures forever.
to Him who is purposeful in all things, who placed the moon and stars precisely where they are,
His love endures forever.
to Him who provides for our every need,
His love endures forever.
to Him who rescued this woman when she was just a girl,
His love endures forever.
to Him who longs for all of his girls to have an encounter with Him like no other,
His love endures forever.

He remembers me, knows me, knows how to speak my love language,
His love endures forever.
He gives me strength to do the things He has called me to do,
His love endures forever.

Thank you Lord for meeting me where I am, for speaking truth to my heart, for gentle chastisement and reminding me I do what I do because you first loved me...and I love you too (and I'm glad I stopped and listened). I do it as unto you Lord! --Selah

Wake Them Up With The Word

I read a great article that a friend posted for me on facebook. It took me back to the reasons why we homeschool. The name of the blog post is Homeschooling Held Hostage. If you get a chance-read it.

Being a former teacher, the first year of homeschooling, I put my one son through university. He however, was a self motivated, lover of learning. It worked well. Then came my next child to bring home. My very active, very athletic, very kinesthectic learner. He rocked my world. LOVED having my baby home from preschool - he started homeschooling in kindergarten...but there were days when I thought...I really really liked preschool, why can't he go back?

Then I finally brought my third (who incidentally is my oldest...by 2 minutes) home from public school. He came home with all kinds of learning disabilities, on the autism spectrum, but probably the one that most needed to be home all along. Finally we got to see the best of him, not the worst. Best decision I have ever made for this child...however, there are days when I wonder what in the world did I do...I am failing him.

He doesn't learn like everyone else. He doesn't learn like me. He doesn't learn how I like to teach. He stretches me. He makes me dig deep in my heart to find the thing that will help make history click in his brain. I don't always have it. (Please note that I didn't say, he makes me dig deep into my great college education because I was a teacher....NO...I must dig in my heart...a Mother's heart...that is where we find what we need to school our children - not my BA degree in Education).  We talked about it tonight. He learns better by reading...but doesn't enjoy reading. GREAT! He doesn't remember half of what is spoken (short term memory issues coupled with very non auditory learning style).

Oh how I could labor on all of these points. This morning after my quiet time, my time when I talk/listen and spend time with my Maker. He reminded me why I do this homeschooling thing.

I looked at the notebook filled with pages entitled..."The Psalms of Shane". I hear the prayers of my boy who can't remember one thing about history, but seems to recall everyone's need so he can earnestly pray for them. Then there is the child who remembers everything, who loves to read, who is sensitive to the Holy Spirit and wants to grow deeper in his relationship with Christ. My middle schooler whose heart is precious and not hurt by the social drama and pressure of our society. That is why I homeschool.

This morning, I went into their bedroom. They were sleeping ever so sweetly. I love their faces, love looking closely, just like I did when they were in their cribs. I said good morning to them. I know they were up talking last night, probably after I fell asleep. The rule is, I'll stop "good morning" them to death as soon as they say it back to me. "Good morning Mom!" "Good morning." "Good morning!" Blankets still covering their faces because I had to open the blinds. I sat on one of their beds, with Bible in hand and decided that I would wake them up with the Word. Started reading John this morning. By the time I got to chapter 4 there were thoughts and questions and comments all around and they were excited about the Word...before they even thought about Life cereal.

"The Jews then responded to him, “What sign can you show us to prove your authority to do all this?” Jesus answered them, “Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.” They replied, “It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?” But the temple he had spoken of was his body. After he was raised from the dead, his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed the scripture and the words that Jesus had spoken." John 2:18-22 

I've read that to them before, but they were in awe this morning. Such joy! Tonight before going to bed, my one boy comes in and says to me..."Will you wake us up with the Word again tomorrow?" Yes...that is why we homeschool.

The Sex Talk

Shocked by the title. I know...it was hard to type too. I knew that day would come. I knew just covering "the Mum machine & the Dad machine) periodically in the Usborne Books wasn't gonna cut it! I secretly hoped that Dad could really just teach this to our boys...but alas...he is a nurse now..and works all wonky hours. So it's all up to me. (I urge you to PLEASE read all the way through as I have copied a claim by my curriculum towards the bottom of this blog...it is very important...Sonlight carries a unique edition of this book.)

Grant it, I will give this to Mr. Incredible, he did take my "oldest" (well, most mature) child out for "the talk" because we knew he would be needing to know what was going on with his hormones, his body, and the rest of the world too. We want our boys to feel comfortable talking freely with us about this important change in their lives.

Well, that didn't go so well. He was "embarrassed", said that did not count as a "Dad Date" at all, said it was all good until "Dad mentioned girls!" This coming from the child who, when he was 8 or 9, responded to me when I asked him if he thought he might get married some day by saying this...and yes..I can quote this..because I wrote it down..."Oh Mom, I'm gonna walk around and keep my hands in pockets, and if some girl picks me, I'll marry her!"

Well, as a Mom...I like the whole..keep your hands in your pockets thing!

On Monday, it was a little uncomfortable. We hadn't opened Almost 12 yet, we were just reading their science book and labeling the body parts. So one boy hid behind his cereal box, one kept reminding me he was only 9 and this was for his brothers, and the other told me he would rather clean his room or write his "final copy" of his paper on Florence Nightengale. (That's one way to get them not to complain about writing!) Oh and a side note...after teaching details about the boy's and the girl's reproductive system...my boys have a greater respect for me. They are so glad to be boys - "girls have it way worse"!

I'm glad I talked about it with them...apparently, even though we have discussed this...tenderly in the past...it didn't sink in with my two (youngest/less mature) children. They weren't quite clear on how babies were made. (Somewhere deep inside, I kind of wished I could let them live with those illusions..hoping it would keep them from ever doing some very innocent things that may progress to less innocent things! ::wink wink::)

Tuesday we actually cracked the "Almost 12" book that you see above. Very candid, very real, Some of my favorite quotes..just to give you a taste for the book were these...

"When the Lord Jesus was twelve years old it was said of Him that He grew in grace and in favor with God and man. This means that He was becoming more and more useful and well-loved by all who knew Him. I hope that this will be your experience too." ♥

After clearly explaining the process/mechanics of sexual intercourse, it says this...

"This is God's wonderful way of growing His children, and we must be careful no to spoil the glory of His plan by joking about it or thinking wrongly about these things."

It proceeds to explain what to expect your body to do and feel during this stage of life. Talks about the day that God will give the gift of love for a boy or girl who will become your husband or wife and says this..

"God has made us this way, and it is right and good. But it is also a time to be careful.....God gives the gift of kissing and caressing primarily for two people who are married. He trusts you not to misuse this gift."

It talks about the dangers for people who don't wait until they are married; physically, emotionally and spiritually as well. We praise God for His redeeming love.

Then it ends with this..."If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgment and common sense, then trust the Lord completely; don't ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success."

Actually, I want to credit my curriculum, Sonlight, once again for broaching this subject so beautifully, really all throughout their science curriculum - even from earlier ages..just enough information at the right time. They have wonderful books, from a beautiful Godly perspective that really do a great job explaining sex and marriage. However,  "Almost 12", is my favorite thus far!

I have taken the liberty to copy what Sonlight has said about this book...Almost 12...:

"Written to be read page-by-page with a child, Almost 12 follows the progress of human life from conception to birth, highlighting key facts and important moral values. With its question-and-answer section, art, photography, and easy-to-read format, children ages 10-12 will discover the miracle of birth in an effective and non-threatening way. Sonlight carries a unique edition of this title. We do not recommend the current edition from the publisher."

 
We're going to be opening this book next week: The Boy's Body Book!

We've not gotten to this book yet...next week! I think I'm more excited than my boys!

Mr. Incredible, affectionately called Dad by the young superheros, came home today as we were finishing the Almost 12 book. When we finished, the boys had questions to ask Dad too. I love, LOVE, that my husband and I can be truthful with our children. I'm glad they can see that living according to God's plan is totally possible!

Best moment of the day was when we sat around our table, held hands together as a family and my husband prayed over my boys. He prayed for the Lord to bless them, guide them through all the changes, to keep their hearts and minds pure and always conscience of the Lord. He prayed for their bodies and the changes they will experience. He prayed for them and how they should respect girls. He reassured them of his love and the love of the Father for each of them. He prayed for protection from the enemy and from outside influences. He prayed for us as parents that we would have wisdom in parenting. He prayed very specifically. There was not one giggle, not was squirm. It was precious beyond words! 

Then I prayed. I prayed for the girls that will come into their lives. For the ones who will want to court my boys. I prayed for their future wives. I prayed and thanked God for my husband and the example he is to my boys. I prayed that we would always have open communication and trust with each other. My love for them grew in a way I didn't know possible. I love and care deeply for my future men. 

(Friends, don't worry, we also talked about how this is for discussing within our family only. We explained how just like we did, other families will want to talk with their children privately too. Its for parents to explain to their children...not children to other children.)

So often we get caught in parenting the 9 & 11 year-old's...and forget that they will be men someday. It can't always be about the moment. In order to parent intentionally...we have to be mindful of the men they will someday be. 

For now, we'll "just keep our hands in our pockets" and be kids! After school today we played games, watched Star Wars, built Legos, ate pudding parfaits and had fun being 9 & 11! Childhood is too precious to rush...there will be no rushing here!

Know Your Place

No pictures today. I'm going to draw them with my words...I promise.

So far, I've been awake for over 33 hours. I'm not joking. My body is adjusting to a new "help-you-get-through-menopause" medication. It is suppose to help with my emotional/mental/get-up-and-go symptoms. Well, it has been...interesting.

Went to the doctor...thinking...I don't want to take anything..I just want to talk about my symptoms and have you make me feel better. Like...by saying I'm normal. She said I was completely normal...and welcome to perimenopause.

She said I was textbook. I don't have to suffer these things (and make everyone suffer around me either) because "this stage could last up to 10 years". I started to well up (because that's what I do now...all the time), and I said "I don't want to be medicated." She said the magic words..."Don't think of it as being medicated..think of is as leveling your hormones out." OK. She gave me options. I evaluated those options. I like somethings of both...so I walked out with...both. More on that later.

This menopause phase of life can be...such a private...personal...and painful battle. Unless you've been through it...it sounds...pathetic. So..I'm choosing this forum to be a little open. It's not been pretty.  I've cried...for hours..I've been irritated easily, I've had no motivation at all and I've not been able to recover from things very well..emotionally. (that isn't even mentioning the physical symptoms).

Needless to say, I started taking the medication that is supposed to give me energy, some motivation (because I was SERIOUS lacking that!). This is how it has gone thus far.

Tuesday morning...2 hours after taking it...I fell deadly tired. I mean...like crawl into bed and nap for 4 hours...suddenly. (That was strange!) Well, we can't be doing THAT every day. Wednesday...I decide sleeping is for night time..I will take it at night. I slept pretty good. NICE. Thursday night..why rock the boat..do the same thing you did last night. I did. I've been awake and energetic ever since. YES...34 hours later..and I'm blogging. From 1:00 - 4:00 I was thinking..I wonder if they need me to rake the local parks around town..because I feel like I could do just that. Then I might run a marathon...oh whatever...triathlon! I am a little tired now..and I WILL NOT be taking anything.

So..that has been my trip so far. What is the purpose of this post...."Know Your Place"?

My husband is so dear. He takes this meat out of the freezer and I'm sure was scoping pinterest and has been salivating about red meat. Men do that with red meat. There it was, a beautiful eye round roast. I get home from co-op (remember I've not slept in well over 24 hours by this point in my day)..and I have these instructions printed for me.  That was nice of him right? Why is he wanting me to do this? I've never in my life cooked pot roast. I followed the directions carefully...and it never reached the temperature it was supposed to reach. I stuck that thing with 3 thermometers...just in case they weren't working right. Blood just came out of the holes I was making. I'm a baker...we follow the directions...always! I made a few phone calls, shed a few tears. I tried a few things...my friends...one walked me off the kitchen cliff and another friend came over and took my boys to dinner...I sat and ate the salad that I made.

I could end the story there...but it wouldn't be my transparent self that everyone enjoys so much. Children are gone...husband is sleeping...I killed the roast...so...I threw that piece of meat in a bag, got in my bed with the large bowl of salad, a diet cream soda (in a nice fancy glass) and a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!  If that doesn't scream menopause...I don't know what does!  Don't judge me! I'm working on no sleep for the past 34 hours...and attempting to make a dinner that my husband won't even be able to eat with us. I know my place...it is NOT in the kitchen....unless I'm baking. So I ask...why can't they eat cookies for dinner?

Soul Ministry

Raw. Probably the best word to describe how I've been feeling lately. It hurts. It burns. I'm going through my own very private (for now), very painful journey. One that I'm confident will end up producing something beautiful. Isn't that how it usually is? I'm sure willing to go through the fire in order to come out refined.

He has worked so hard...against all odds..against all naysayers...he did it! It was very difficult towards the end. We lived a 5 loaf 2 fish miracle for almost 2 years. Now he has a job, a good job...but it is just the beginning. Time to make up for the last few months of famine.

I am able to see God's hand so easily when it comes to His provision. This time he is struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The horizon just over the mountain. The land beyond the boulder. It is January. We were very intentional during this season (so proud of my family). He sees everything as falling apart...all at once....

Have you been there?

Obstacles, mountains, crisis after crisis, things literally and figuratively falling apart right before your eyes. I can see where if you don't  keep your focus..you can look at these "light and momentary troubles" and think they are never going to get any better.

Friends. We can't choose which scripture to believe or not to believe. I BELIEVE IT ALL! It is all for me. MY God longs to BLESS me. I'm the head not the tail. My Father own the cattle on a thousand hills. He has stored up for us...He WILL provide. I look back at His FAITHFULNESS. HE IS the same, yesterday...today...FOREVER.

I laid my hand on his head before the sun was even up this morning. (like he has done for me in the past). I called out to our Daddy...Oh Abba...remind him who he is...and the plans you have for him...the plans that are good, full of hope and a future. "Thank you" he says.."for caring for my soul." (We need each other.)

His Word is ALIVE and ACTIVE! It is! It doesn't matter that I feel raw...or hurt...or that he cannot see beyond the boulder..or that you think this will never end...it doesn't change the fact that HE IS!

This might remind you. I have a friend. She lives states away...yet the Holy Spirit uses her as an instrument to minister to my soul...PRECISELY...when it is needed. I mean...ALWAYS EXACT!  Never fails, whether it has been a timely card, a plaque, CD or a song link...the timing and message is PERFECT.

Friends...ONLY God can do that! He is intimately involved in your life, in my life, in his life. Whether you believe it or not...doesn't change the fact that it is true! He longs to bless you. So just wait a second.....

You have to do it like I did. Push play...and then close your eyes. If you are brave...raise your hands just a little to receive what the Holy Spirit has for you. I pray this ministers truth to your soul...as it has mine.

Here You Go God...

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death." Psalm 68:19-20

This morning I laid it all down once again...at the cross. Every once in awhile I find myself carrying things I was not made to carry. I trust in God. My faith is in Him. So...I started to give Him what I was carrying this morning..one by one I looked at all of this and began to weep. I wept because I realize that when I hold onto these things in my life, I'm not really trusting Him.

I handed Him my children...and asked him to fashion them as He chooses and protect them along the way.

I handed Him my will...to conform it to His.

I handed Him my body image...and asked Him to help motivate me to focus on my health.

I handed Him my hormones...and relinquished control to my Maker, Creator.

I handed Him my marriage...and thanked Him for the amazing gift that it is and asked Him to bless it.

I handed Him my relationships...and asked Him to cultivate each one or dissolve it if not healthy.

I handed Him my hurts...and asked Him to heal me.

I handed Him my time...and asked Him to help me prioritize and show me what's important.

I handed Him my husband...and asked Him to help me be the helpmate He's called me to be.

I handed Him my plans..and asked Him to line them up with His, plans for a hope and a future.

I handed Him my future...and asked Him to order my steps.

I handed Him my failures..and asked Him to help me see them as learning tools.

I handed Him my victories...and gave Him the Glory and asked Him to keep me from pride.

I handed Him my dreams...and asked Him redirect any that are not from Him.

I handed Him my heart...and thanked Him for being so gentle, so loving, so willing.

He is so gentle, so willing. As He took each one, He let me talk, He listened. When I was done...He reminded me that His burden is light....so we traded.

He kindly spoke to my heart and reminded me...that those things I handed Him were not mine to begin with. They are His. No doubt I have them; a husband, children, time...but they are His.  Suddenly I am thankful. I trust Him...and He trusts me.

I feel lighter. Ready to begin my day. 

How Do You Hold A Baby?

Sweet baby Kyle (look at those lips)

"God must have said, I know what I'll do, I'll send my LOVE right down there where they are. And I'll send it as a tiny baby, so they'll have to touch it, and they'll have to hold it close." Gloria Gaither

I read this quote the other day during my devotions...and thought...brilliant!

Having twins meant when you came to visit, you held a baby...no matter how young or old you were. :) There is something about a baby...that makes you want to smell their little heads, hold them close to your heart, let them wrap their tiny fingers around your finger. 

Baby "B" for my precious Brendan!

 This time of year we celebrate the birth of one special baby...Jesus.

My sweet friend Janet...look at the joy on her face!

Interesting how we only think of Jesus as a baby around this season. However, I think it is appropriate that most of the time..we dwell on Him as our Savior, the One who came to die for us; as our King, the One who continues to protect us and who will come again; and as our Lord, the One who deserves our worship!

My precious sister in Christ - Karen...the look of contentment and joy!

So, when I read that quote, I thought of all the people who held my babies. The smiles on their faces reflect some joy that is found from within. How would you have held the Christ Child?

Our very special Grandma Carole...joy, love, peace...

Up close, out at arms length, up to your chest, by your cheeks? It is hard to say. The real question is how do you hold Him today? Up close, out at arms length, cheek to cheek?

My boys at Christmas at 2001 - look at those faces! Kissable!

I believe the truth remains no matter what...when you hold the Lord close, spend time with Him, talk with Him...there is a joy and contentment that comes from within. Maybe that is the true key...holding Him close. I pray you hold Him close this Christmas...and until He comes again.

Joy To The World

Honoring our Pop...missing him this Christmas!

I'm about to open the blinds into my soul once again. The email response and discussions I received from my writing about pre-menopause reminds me that I am not alone. However, my personal encounters with people this week made me realize that great need for joy certainly transcends the affects of menopause.

In light of what has recently happened in our world, the tragedy of Newtown CT, the lack of words are only shadowed by the shed of tears of grief. Yet we sing the song, Joy to the World. Remember, joy is possible...because the Lord has come. (OH He is coming again...and for that the Spirit and the Bride...say COME!)

The most recent affects of my body going through a change that occurs around my age has been somewhat physical, but mostly emotional/mental. I am watching my symptoms very closely, keenly aware..yet somehow unable to stop them.

Yesterday we took this pie to a dear sweet woman. She struggles with her health and thus with her emotions. I understand, to a degree. She told me her friends are afraid that she is depressed...she won't admit that...she is "just sad" she says.

Needless to say the special delivery and our extended visit certainly brought cheer to her heart. We left her laughing and promising to see her at the end of the week. She was at a point just a week ago...just wanting to "Go Home"..not wanting people to fuss over her, not wanting to see anyone, go anywhere, do anything. But the Lord has come.

We spoke of my latest symptoms (with the hope that she would share what is going on in her psyche). The feeling of not being able to recover...both physically (like when I was sick with the flu) and emotionally. While months ago something could happen and I would let it roll, and move on. Now when something happens, I'm disappointed or disapproving I can't seem to let it go as easily. My recovery time...is so much greater. That is SO frustrating - after all, I live in a world of pre-pubescent boys and a husband who sleeps during the day and works when I'm sleeping...there is lots of room for disappointment.

The other symptom I'm noticing besides the occasional hot flash is feeling paralzyed. I can't seem to accomplish the things I use to accomplish. Kind of like attention deficit I guess. I will start out in my mind thinking I'm going to accomplish this list of things...and be very fortunate to get one or two things done. Again...not me at all!

Then there is the weepy thing. UGH! Enough is enough. I weep when I'm happy, sad or sometimes over absolutely nothing at all.

Then just today, this morning a woman called me, someone who read my previous blog and on her way to work, she needed someone to pray with her. She too is experiencing similar symptoms. She just wants to hide, withdraw, she feels like she can't recover from her emotions.

I am aware that our Creator, the one that formed us in our mother's womb, did not make a mistake. I am certain that when we are feeling this way, whether it is from menopause, depression or anxiety...if we spend time with our Maker...he will help us stay centered. Remind us that we are created in His image....He did not make a mistake. Sometimes this world marks us, harms us, dents us...but our Creator...he knows how to fix us, heal us, polish us. 

So, I centered myself once again on scripture. The one thing that is an anchor, dependable and true.
1 John 17:13 "But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves." 

Joy you see is a fruit of the Spirit. Not something we work for...it is just there for us, accessible, no matter what is going on in our world, lives or others' lives. It is because He has come...the glory of His righteousness and the wonders of His Love. I think the more I center on that...the more joy I begin to feel. So...Joy To The World...and yes...The Spirit and The Bride say...COME LORD JESUS!

Mother Teresa said it best...

"The coming of Jesus at Bethlehem brought us joy to the world and to every human heart. May His coming this Christmas bring to each one of us that peace and joy that He desires to give!"

He Is Just Misunderstood

My precious boy..and the bird we rescued!

My emotions have been all over the place today. I know it is probably pre-menopause for the most part, but I have laughed hard today and even cried a little. I felt blah then amazing. I felt like a failure and then a winner. Crazy what one day can bring.

Kyle and his snickerdoodles!

My friend Allison has planned our Homeschool Christmas party for tomorrow..and one of the things she encouraged us to do is bake cookies together with our children (thank you for that Allison). I love to bake!! I love to bake with my boys. However, my sweet and precious Kyle has never shown an interest in baking. He would rather draw, play legos, make paper airplanes....700 of them. He is such a sweet and wonderful boy...it is over him that I wept today. Tonight as he mixed his ingredients..he was very awkward. I noticed, he didn't stand right...this is not his thing. I gave him the scoop to scoop out the dough and for the life of him he couldn't figure out how to squeeze it so the dough would drop off. I demonstrated it about 5 times...I watched him struggle...I got all choked up.  I told him, how much I loved baking with him tonight. I held his hands in mine and squeezed the scoop..and out plopped the ball of dough. He was so excited...like the first time he learned to use the water fountain. Everything to Kyle is....amazing!

Always so genuinely thankful - he loves nutcrackers!

Coming home from the park one day, Kyle's twin brother says to me..."Mom, I think that Kyle is just misunderstood by people. They don't understand his ways." OH that weighed heavy on my heart.

Toilet paper contest at Grapple!

 When he was very young, before he had words (he didn't speak on his own until he was 3 years old), when he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) PDD-NOS I wanted to wear a shirt that said...please don't mind him...he's on the spectrum.

What he does with his legos...He made Cruella DeVille and some dalmatians.

 I tossed and turned about how to explain him, if I should bother explaining him. How do I explain him? Well, he is precious beyond words. He is honest and good. He has an innocent heart, one that cares deeply for all things. He loves animals and art and adores nutcrackers. He genuinely cares about people. He loves God...and really really knows Jesus. He prays like nobody's business. He sees what nobody else notices! He cares about the details!

"Oh how embarrassing" His love/hate relationship with the Paparazzi!

He use to stand on his head in new situations. No, I'm serious, that is not a figure of speech. When Kyle was uncomfortable, for many years he wore a batman mask. Yes, even to sing in the children's choir. He did grow out of that and moved on to carrying a magna doodle with him...so he can draw...when he was uncomfortable. A few years back..the boy would stand on his head..it is quite impressive. He was warming up to different situations and people by showing his talent. Now he carries a composition notebook..it helps to keep him centered.

I just had to show the detail!

 He can be very "silly", seem immature, say things just a little differently. It is his way of making his world seem...safe..when he feels out of his comfort zone. He is funny and his is very polite. Many people, many children have said unkind things to him. I think Brendan is right...he is just misunderstood.

I love this boy, his heart, his face...every single thing about him!

So..tonight as I stood by him at the table, we talked. I told him how much I loved him. How special it was for me to have him join me in something I absolutely love to do. I told him that he has enriched my world so much. He looked at me...right in my eyes (he didn't do that when he was 3 years old)..with that gorgeous smile and said "Mom, I want to be wherever you are...always. You know, you are beautiful Mom...and I love you!" I hugged him...he in his green apron, me in mine! You know what I don't care if you don't understand my Kyle. I don't care if he annoys you with his "oddness". This boy shows me Jesus...every single day! I sit here right now..with tears..running down my face..because I'm the one that is blessed. He belongs to me. Yes, he has challenges. He doesn't know everything a boy his age should know. I don't care. He knows how to love...how to treat people with respect...how to touch your heart. He's mine...misunderstood or not...his brothers, his Dad and I understand.

Thank you Lord for giving Kyle to us. May we do right by you Jesus in the way we continue to raise this boy. May you fashion him and perfect him to do whatever it is you have planned for him. May he continue to have your heart Lord...and shine Jesus wherever he goes!

Holding His Hand

Before you laugh...today is my 22nd Wedding Anniversary. It has been 22 years of the most incredible journey of my life..I've been married to this man more than half of my life (I was 21 when I got married). I know my dress is "old fashioned", our wedding song is certainly dated...but still beautiful. So, here are snippets of our vows...oh..and one of the songs played/sung by our dear friends...Here & Now by Phil Keaggy.

Pastor Hersey: "The greatest treasure that anyone can have in this world is the undivided love of another person. Today, Michael and Lisa have come with their family and friends to begin married life."

"How beautiful, then, the marriage of two Christians, two who are one in Hope, one in desire, one in the way of life they follow, one in the God they serve. Side by side they partake of God's banquet; side by side they face difficulties and persecution, share their consolations. They have no secrets from one another; they never bring sorrow to each others' hearts. They never shun each others' company. To such as these He gives His peace. Where there are two together, there also He is present."

Michael: "I love you Lisa, and it is because of this love that I make these vows to you. I Michael, take thee Lisa, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. To love and to cherish, till death us do part...according to God's holy ordinance...I pledge thee my trust!"

Lisa: "I love you Michael, and it is because of this love that I make these vows to you...."

Pastor Hersey: "Michael, indicating your responsibility to Lisa to receive her into your care and keeping, I give you this ring that you may place in on her finger as a token and pledge that you are to receive her.... Thus you are to compass her life with strength and protecting love."...."Lisa...indicating your responsibility to Michael to receive him into your care and devotion, I give you this ring that you may place in on his finger....Thus you are to encircle his life with affection and tenderness..."

"I pronounce you husband and wife....Therefore, let all men take care in the sight of God that this holy covenant shall ever remain sacred."

I'm still holding his hand, and he is still holding mine....22 years later. I love you Michael Engel...♥

Kentucky: Corn Mazes, Cookies and Catching Up (Roadtrip Series)

 Instead of taking it day by day...I figured I would condense a little and show/tell what we did while staying the week in Kentucky. If you haven't had the chance to read about our Road Trip Adventure you can start here and then go here. That should get you all caught up! Now that we have safely arrived...the meat of our trip has begun.

The best part of the trip was watching two families merge into one. We've known Karen and her daughters for probably 9 years. Karen and I have walked through some incredible storms together, holding each other as we bravely sought the face of God together and did serious battle with the enemy. When you come through something like that, well, you can't help but bond a friendship that will last for eternity.

Watching my boys, bond with these special people...is something that can never be taken from them. Immediately I knew that I wanted Karen to feel like she had family visiting, not a friend that she had to entertain. So I took to the kitchen, baked cookies, washed dishes and my boys happily did chores too. We fit right into the daily life of the Foldy family. Our time together was priceless!

 

 Some of my most favorite times were early in the morning. Shane and I would wake up and have our coffee before Karen and Anna would be awake. We would sit and pray together and talk about how much we loved being right where we were.  

Here are a few of the things we did together:

We visited Asbury University and Asbury Theological Seminary where Karen and Lauren (and Mark) all work. What a beautiful campus, and beautiful facility!

We did a Civil War Corn Maze. So much fun. Took a hay ride out to the corn fields that were shaped as the confederate states in the Civil War. Our mission was to get through the maze and find clues by reading about the battles and facts about each state. I'm glad I'm writing this, because now I can remember that we may not have done any "official" school while we were gone for 10 days...but we did indeed learn!

 
 Here is Anna, reading out loud before we enter Virgina! We laughed, got lost and were freezing, but we loved doing it together! Plus, really we were all a little competitive so between having 2 former teachers and a teenage with technology...we were going to get back to base with all the answers for sure!

 Kyle would run ahead and try to blend in with the corn...such a cute scarecrow! So we decided that we should be a scarecrow family!

 

When we got back to the base, we had to answer a few questions. If we got the questions right we could shoot from the corn gun! YES...that was fun. What was more fun was watching the golden retrievers run and retrieve the corn and bring it back!

 Lots of awesome photo opportunities for sure! We watched a pig race, saw all kinds of animals, and even stopped at a quaint little country store on our way home. This is where the boys got their treasured boxes.

You know, the boxes were only $3, but the sentimental value is priceless. Karen bought the boys these boxes to thank them for doing chores around the house. Made from a rugged tree, these boxes hold memories on the inside and out!

 We also had an opportunity to visit the Alliance Church that the Foldy/Reyes family all attend. Surprisingly my boys went straight to Sunday School as if they had been going there their whole life. WOW! So proud! After church we spent the afternoon at Mark and Lauren's home.

Enjoying the view from their beautiful property. We had a wonderful time catching up, having a delicious lunch (I brought cookies...because..that's what I do)...the boys played with Moxey and Lewis (the dogs)....

 Karen and I had a few pictures taken...

 

And yes...the highlight for the boys was the intense Nerf Gun War with Mark. Lots of property equals lots of ways to tire out all the men!

 What a wonderful couple of days. We still have Shaker Village, Raven Run, and High Bridge to cover before we head home from Kentucky. Stay tuned.....
 

 ...and hang in there like Butterscotch...we'll be back with more reflections of our road trip!!