The Spirit of Love

Look at that love between brothers...on their way to Fort Matanzas .

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in a spirit of love." -- Henry Drummond

Our lives have been so unusual these past few years that I find myself being ever so purposeful in my actions at home. Where once upon a time I would say yes, to just about anything to escape my four walls, I find myself, saying no so I can be here, with the ones I love the most.

It's the little things. Like making special breakfasts, or cookies every week.

The day I made all different flavored pancakes.

Bacon, Egg & Cheese Cups!

Breakfast Cookies...for when we're on the GO!

Coconut Macaroons...made with love!

Baked Smores...a huge hit!

Writing love notes in the middle of their things to do...

Taking tons of time to help them learn, they way they learn...not they way I learn.

With Mrs. Barbara - at our new Science Co-op on Fridays!

Playing checkers in Fort Matanzas

Making sure his uniform is washed, dried and not wrinkled. Waking up even earlier to have coffee with Mr. Incredible before he leaves for the hospital.

Mr. Incredible

Playing dodge ball with the cutest superheros on the planet...or if not dodge ball...certainly nerf gun wars or my personal favorite...the damsel in distress...so my superheros can come rescue me.

Reading one extra chapter, knowing that partly its because they love the story, but partly they do not want to do handwriting practice.

Waking them up in the morning with soft kisses and sweet whispers.

This is how we do everyday things...with the Spirit of Love!

Metamorphosis

A child's description of change!

If we look at where we were and where we are today...can we see change? Is it for the better or for the worse? I love reflecting. I've learned a lot in times of reflection. I can totally see where I have changed...some for the better and some not so much. When we don't change...we must be stagnant. I want to be moving forward..changing..growing..learning. I think that is what gratitude does for me. Keeps me moving forward..keeps me hopeful.

So I continue penning the words of my grateful heart...my list of 1000 Gifts...

Father, I thank you for...

260. Friends. Of all walks of life, all ages, all different personalities...keeps my life so colorful!

261. Laughter. Joy that floods my heart and home.

262. Perspective. I am not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was...thank you for times of growth.

263. Fire. The Holy Spirit who burns in me, keeps me ablaze to shine the love of Jesus to everyone I come in contact with.

264. Purpose. In You I live, and move and have my being. In You I have purpose.

265. Feelings. Though fickle and unreliable, they make me move, they stir something in me...to change, to recreate, to reach out.

266. Love. The unconditional love from You, my husband, my children and the love you have lavished so freely upon a fallen world.

267. Rest. I am neglectful at times to get my proper dose...so those are the times You are faithful to remind me....of my need for rest..for my body, my soul, my mind.

268. Change. Your River flows and brings refreshing...it is a mighty river...when I start my days with you I am aware of the current and how desperate I am for You to keep me moving, changing, growing...no moss growing here. I'm jumping in!

269. Worship. Our true and intimate friendship..the one that we share..together..Oh how I'm thankful for our relationship...I love you too Lord.

Amen!

Pinch Me...I'm Middle Aged

I'm comfortable in my own skin!

To some degree, I've always been "old." Even when I was young, I was old (at heart). Partly because of my childhood, growing up very quickly because of the turmoil in my formative years, and partly because I've always had a slant for the "mature."

Then I had children. I never wanted to be an "old" Mom. It took me 10 years to get pregnant and hold a pregnancy, so I was 32 when I had my twins. Recently it hit me....I'm middle aged. Wow! When I turned 40 (3 years ago) - sad but I just had to write down...2012 - 1969 to make sure I was going to be 43 - I had a very difficult time, you can read about it here. My friends, who were in their 40s always said how liberating it was, I didn't get it. The truth is up until a few days ago, I still didn't get it. I didn't want to admit that, so I got really good at believing I got it, but I don't think I really did. I would say that your 40s were fine...but liberating, freeing...I wasn't feeling it.

Here is my theory and my most recent lesson on being middle aged. (The following paragraphs are penned with the help of my 40 year old brain..my opinions..my theories..my ramblings... Don't hold too much weight...obviously these are generalities...we are all very very unique!) When you are 11-12 years old, you are somewhat of a misfit. You are not really a "child" anymore, but you're not quite a teenager either...where do I fit? Then you are in your twenties...still very young...still hanging on to a number of those things that you did when you were in your late teens (18-19)..20s no big deal. In your twenties too, I think you could still get away with having all your "drama"...still kind of fall into that trap of "it's all about me" stage. For some their graduating college, others who have chosen different paths have chosen their life direction by their late twenties (have children, got a job...).

Then come the thirties. I think this might be a kind of a misfit age too. Not in my young twenties (extended late teenage), not quite in my forties (oh goodness NO!), kind of a strange level place. Probably a very necessary place to find our footing and our place to handle our next phase.

You see I totally skipped my twenties. So when I had toddlers, I had to find others who had toddlers too. Most of them came in their 20s. I'm so glad for those young people in my life that helped make my 30s..purposeful...helped me stay..."young". So no wonder when 40 came, it felt scary.

I'm here to tell you, 40 really is fabulous. And I'm not at all exaggerating. I woke up one morning last week and realized...I love being old. There is a comfort in this age...it fits me! I'm not into petty drama, I don't want to be consumed with being overly critical..(that starts building in the late teen years..because of course you know everything when your 16...) Just kidding!...kind of. When you reach 40...you know you've hardly ever been right, you've made tons of mistakes, your body is not yours anymore and as my friend once put it.."it's work to stay dignified on a high fiber diet." Well, lots of grace abounds as we get older!

Being in your 40s of course you are looking at your 50s. I know for me, I'm digging in my heels and enjoying this place of freedom. Freedom to be mature (or act goofy), have gray hair and maybe not hide it (I'm not there yet), freedom to not feel like your too young to have wisdom and letting go of trying to fit in places I don't really belong....after all, I'm not 20 anymore.

I know I'm not the only one who grapples with my age now and again. Here is the bottom line, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I don't know everything, but I do know some things. Life has taught me lots of things of which I chose to learn lessons - (you know sometimes we chose not to learn and have to repeat lessons over and over again). I'm a Jesus lover, a wife of 21 years and a Mom of 10.5, I have lots of lessons to continue to learn. I love people, people of all ages & I'm thrilled to still have young people in my life - hip young people who still want to do "coffee"...it makes me smile! I still feel like I could fit anywhere, but realize where my main source of encouragement will come from. I do have peers..and in your 40s...that is just as important as it was in your 20s.

Pinch me...I'm totally thrilled to be middle aged...I really really am! I feel like I've just gotten my passport and I'm headed for a great new adventure. I know I'm weird! That is OK, because I'm in my 40s and it really is liberating! :)

Prayer, Petition, Present

My special prayer warrior.

There we were, sitting on my boy's bed, all 5 of us. He was in agony because of these strange welts all over his body that were terribly itchy. My heart was breaking for him. We had done all that we could, a cool shower, topical anti-itch, and Benadryl. As we sat on his bed, my son Kyle begins to pray something like this...

"Lord, please help Brendan not itch anymore, make all of his bumps go away, and please make his tears go away too. Tell him you love him and will make him feel all better so he can sleep. Since you are doing all of that please give him good dreams too. Thank you Lord for how much you love us, in Jesus name, Amen."

Later that night I went into his room and sat by his bed again. He was still awake (he is usually the one that is still awake) and he says, "Mom, if the Lord knows already what I need, why do we pray for things that seem so obvious?

I find it so interesting that children are quick to respond to their environment. Babies immediately cry when they are hungry. Toddlers are very open and carefree to communicate what they do and do not want. However, as we grow older, we are somehow taught to use discernment in making our desires known.

As I responded to my boy I told him that the Lord tells us we are wise to always come to Him as little children - telling Him precisely what we need and want. Remember in Mark chapter 10 the story of the blind man that Jesus heals....Jesus was looking straight at the man, He knew he was blind, but yet He asked him, "What do you want Me to do for you?" He basically asked him to make a request. Yes, God does know what we need "before we ask Him" yet He says in Philippians 4:6 "...in every situation, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God."

I think sometimes when we pray and state precisely what we want, our needs and desires become obvious to us. If we stop and listen to our own "petitions" we come face to face with our priorities, our hurts, and our excesses. We can see ourselves more clearly thus at times giving us an opportunity to repent, make things right, or take action. Just being able to hear ourselves sometimes sheds light on our situation.

The good news is, He always responds to us!! Amen?!

I pray that my children's prayer life becomes a dialogue with their Heavenly Father...back and forth...speaking and listening. It takes time to listen...that will be another lesson for another time...for now...make it a habit...pray without ceasing.

Oh How He Loves You & Me

A Father's Love

...Oh how He loves you and me.

He gave His Life what more could He give?

Oh how He loves you,

Oh how He loves me,

Oh how He loves you and me.

Jesus to Calvary did go,

His love for mankind to show,

What He did there, brought hope from despair.

Oh How He loves you and me.

As a child I learned that song and every once in awhile (on a morning like today) I wake up singing that very song.

Cultivating a heart of gratitude, I continue my 1000 Gifts...

Father, thank you for...

250. A husband who models Jesus to me and my boys.

251. For giving us confidence even when we are unable to see the path before us!

252. For moments when we are humbled by your grace.

253. For being my everything, and allowing me to be just me.

254. For our special times, when I crawl into your lap early in the morning, and you just shower me..Oh how you love me.

255. For a heart of compassion..that only comes from Christ.

256. For one more free haircut.

257. For time spent away with my men, building love, life, memories and cultivating the fruit of the Spirit.

258. For being so trustworthy that fear has no room in me right now. You are my supply.

259. For our daily portion. Sometimes it is just that...what you've provided for us to get through the day.

Father, I sing back to you...Oh how I love you too!

I Don't Care About That Red Squiggly Line!

Image: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Journaling. If you were to look up that word in Mirriam-Webster's dictionary, she/it would tell you that it does not exist. No such word! Irritatingly, when I type the word it gets that red squiggly line underneath that screams.."PLEASE SPELL CHECK,"  yet it is a verb that has been a vital part of my life for so many years. It is, among other things, therapeutic as well as an ongoing source of encouragement (if not at least entertaining).  I have tons of journals that look much like the one above. I love to look back and read what (and when) I was writing years ago. My journals are precious to me and hopefully someday to my children as well. My boys love the journal I wrote to them in my  "Journey To Become Your Mom" journal and I enjoy reading the mountaintop and valley experiences over and over again...it puts things in perspective and reminds me of where I've been and some of the lessons I've learned.

My journaling looks a little more like this picture below nowadays. Iinterestingly enough (and quite off topic) "nowadays" is a word and journaling is not...go figure!

Image: luigi diamanti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Recently I began to look back of some of my journals, both penned and keyed and it has brought me so much joy, so much depth and understanding, so much gratitude.

I remember Miracles on My Street happening like it was yesterday..the joy I had in writing it, came flooding back to me as I reread that story.  Keeping my head on straight and my eyes are heart focused on things above is what I was reminded when I reread Focus on The Negative..Why. My Strength and My Song and The Value of Things Eternal I obviously needed to read..this week. What a great time I've had reading and rereading!

Then someone on Facebook was struggling with something that tends to be a recurring issue of my own, and I chuckled because I remembered writing about it once in 2008 when I wrote My Heart-And Those Crystal Balls but then I wrote about Those Balls Again in 2010 and that totally made me laugh out loud!

So as I was reading I thought, this is the best way to go to sleep....reading entries like...How Wide, How Long or I'm Lost Without You.

It was fun taking a little trip down memory lane, but even more than that, it was encouraging to my soul to look back on my life and see all that the Lord has done. Journaling, I don't care about that red squiggly line, I'm so thankful for the art!!

My Life Theme

"Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my HOPE is in you all day long." Ps. 25:5

Every year I love to read through the Bible chronologically, and January always begins with Genesis and then short jaunt over to Job. I love Job. God loves Job. He's real, authentic, and confused at why all of this tragedy has occurred in his life, yet he remains steadfast in his faith!  He has a Hope!

I am confident in my Hope..the person of Jesus Christ. I believe Him, His Word (Romans 15:3-5 "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have...HOPE") and His faithfulness. When we've had nothing He has provided. When there was no way, He made a way. We are indeed at this place again...where my faith must be strong. I have Hope! People at times wonder how it is we have such hope as they peek into our little world...

1 Peter 3:15 “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the HOPE that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,”

It is He who we have Hope in. I am not sure how we are going to make it for the remainder of this semester as my husband finishes school. I will do what I can, I have a small job and will be teaching guitar...Yet we will praise Him!

Psalm 71:14 “As for me, I will always have HOPE I will praise you more and more.”

Isaiah 40:31 “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a future."

Since God provided the way and means for my husband to complete his degree, so many strange things have happened. Regarding my family in particular. My son, praise God is doing so much better, however there were unexpected expenses that went along with his healing. I must include myself...in the past 3 months medical bills have mounted like crazy...one odd thing after another until finally our home had an obstacle of its own. All the while we have trusted in the Lord to make a way and He is faithful!  Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the Hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."

Romans 8:24 “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?” Romans 12:11-13 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”


I lay it all down, every day, I remind Him of His Word...I think He smiles when I do that! I'm so in love with Him. I am grateful for His blessings that come in so many ways, including opportunities to give and bless others! We can never out give God!! I can honestly say, that there is no room for fear. I have something to look forward to, the Almighty God of the universe loves us, loves you. "We wait in HOPE for the Lord: He is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20

Psalm 39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My HOPE is in You!"


No surprise that my theme this year for Bagels & Blessings would be...HOPE! It is my Life, He is my Life! I know I'm not alone, there are those who suffer financially, physically, emotionally, mentally....those of you who need Hope.
Psalm 33:22 "May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our HOPE in you."

For you and for me...I pray Ephesians 1:18 "..that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,"

The Creation of a Vacation

The day, the hour, the minute...finally arrived. January 2, 2012 - VACATION!  If you follow my life at all, you will know that it has been a very long time since our last vacation. Even our last vacation (3 days in Miami) was wonderful, but it took me 2 days to stop crying and then I only had one day of pure enjoyment. I don't know how else to explain the emotional, physical and mental exhaustion that comes from caring full time for an advanced Alzheimer's loved one can be (but that is what caused my 2 days of crying on our last vacation). We absolutely are grateful to the Lord for the opportunity to care for Pop for all of those years. It was an honor and our way of honoring our elders. We would do it again without question. However, even the facility director of the home where Pop and happily resides and Pop's physician told my husband and I that we went way above and beyond what anyone would ever expect. We didn't know...we wouldn't have even considered putting him in a home if God didn't orchestrate every detail leading up to that decision. My family unit is blessed to be able to know that we loved and cared for Pop for so long and we continue to love and care for him, he just doesn't live with us anymore.

With all of that said, the thought of going on vacation seemed like a distant reality. With Mike in school and our finances extremely tight, we really couldn't justify going on any vacation...our day would come...when Mike got a job.

Well, as the Lord would have it, we were blessed by another family who were unable to use their entire stay at their condo this particular week and they offered for us to stay in Kissimmee, Florida. I remember the day I was approached about this, I felt like Jimmy Stewart from "It's A Wonderful Life."  We happily agreed.

The week or two leading up to this particular day found my dog very sick and in need of x-rays and medication and 2 vet visits, my need of 3 medical exams, (a brain scan, mammogram & an ultrasound...all without health insurance), and finally the day before we left found out that we were never sent our homeowner's insurance bill and our policy lapsed and we now owed more money and a new policy had to be drafted. Whew there blew our budget, like in no time at all. I really didn't think we could do anything that resembled a vacation. I cried a river at how rapidly our funds were disappearing, but after my quiet time three days before we left, I had a new vision about our stay in Kissimmee. My goal was not to spend more than $50 a day on anything. We did it and I am amazed by God's favor once again!

So off we go! I was going to name this blog "Having a Blast on a Budget", but opted for the Creation.

In the beginning, God created an opportunity for us to get away...

Day 1 - found us drooling over the condo and feeling like giddy little children!

 My children could hardly wait to unpack their little bags and make their rooms "their rooms."

 Just being surrounded by "new to us" is always refreshing!

This little spot is where I wanted to do my morning devotions. However, it was way too cold, so I opened the blinds in the morning and stayed nice and warm in my blanket. Oh and I will save what the Lord taught me on this vacation for another blog...stay tuned. Powerful quiet time!

So on our first night, we knew we had to go grocery shopping, but we've never been to the Mall at Millenia and wanted to see what was so special. Well, it was indeed special...a very pricey mall, but so festive and beautiful.

We walked around, took lots of fun photos, dreamed big dreams, and my children rode the escalator several times. (Throw us into a closet and we could have fun..I kid you not!)

Took pictures of fun items. Some were not bad prices (not on my budget right now)...like those Star Wars cookie cutters from William Sonoma..aren't they cool?

Some were way way to pricey..but beautiful, like this table from Pottery Barn. Put your coffee down...$2,800, or something close to that!

No we did not stop at one of the 2 Starbucks at the mall. My gift cards are all gone and well, I just wanted to be careful. So the night ends in smiles because we went to Publix and bought ice cream for my boys and a whole bag of Starbucks Coffee (which I'm still drinking as of this morning).

And there was evening, and there was morning--the first day. - Under budget...success!

Day 2 - I can go a little crazy when I give myself my challenge - but we still had one of the best days ever..and spent NO money at all!

Kyle was the first one awake...he loves to find me doing my devotions..we started the day together, he sipping hot cocoa, me drinking coffee, both of us talking to Jesus.

Once everyone was awake we made homemade waffles for breakfast! YUM! Then it was time to get some energy out. We drove around looking for a park, couldn't find a public park so we took over the condo tennis courts and played for 2 hours.

Well, they played for two hours, I'm a lover not a fighter, so I gave up and went inside to do this....

and then I started getting dinner ready. When the boys came back they took showers and waited for me to finish dinner...all the while doing this...and it was peaceful, and we were happy and the house smelled of homemade pizza!

After dinner we settled in for some puzzle making and movie night! We had the absolute peaceful, free, fun day EVER!!

And there was evening, and there was morning, -- the second day.

Day 3 - After someone spotted my pictures that I posted on Facebook, via my phone..(did I mention that we didn't have wifi...another serious blessing actually) one of my friends mentioned that my vacation looked a lot like my normal life, minus the chores. I reflected on her words and thought...wow, she is right. Any given day you can find my household watching movies, engaged in nerf gun wars, or reading good books...so I've come to the conclusion that vacation is a state of mind. Day 3 found us doing things that we would do if we were home.

We hung out and finished that puzzle..we were all addicted! Then we went to one of our favorite places...Downtown Disney. It's free by the way..and although we would so much rather have been in Disney...Downtown Disney is far more relaxing and still gives the feel of the magic of Disney.

My children can't help but have a good time. When you see these two locking arms, you know its a good time!

Any and all photo opportunities...we are all about that!

I'm not sure what it is about us and trying on cool hats. It's just fun! Looking into the General Store at Fort Wilderness Lodge. You know you can go and visit any lodge or resort from Downtown Disney..yes you can!

We stuck around for Chip & Dale's Sing-A-Long and roasted marshmallows too. We brought our own marshmallows but did purchase the sticks...35 cents per stick. We also brought those sticks home with us..to use with our own fire pit!

They also offer a movie under the stars...we opted out and went back to the condo and watched "The Fantastic Four".

When we got back over to Downtown Disney, we caught a concert, and an opportunity to line dance with 75 other people. So much fun! Great night had by all - and way under budget.

And there was evening, and there was morning, -- the third day.

Day 4 - When we woke up there was this feeling of...this is our last "day" here. Kyle was the first to utter it in actual words, but we were all thinking about it. I tried to break the mood, by focusing on the fact that our day out wasn't going to be long and we still had one more movie night here in the condo.

So off we go...

Now Gatorland didn't break the budget. Nope..normally it would have, but this particular week tickets for Florida residents were $9.99 per person...that works for us! (Also, seeing as how we hardly touched our budget for the first 3 days, this was going to be our most expensive day out. Not bad!)

There were so many alligators and I happen to love them all! Really, they are so beautiful and I would love to be able to get real close...this one was right under my feet. There were shows throughout the day and they were hilarious. Such a fun time.

Shane however, spent $8.00 of his Christmas money so he could actually get up close and personal with a gator...he got to wrestle a live gator! That was COOL!!

Worth every single dollar if you ask him. I was a tad jealous, so happy for him! Next time I'm totally doing it!

 There were all sorts of snakes and birds...this really is our kind of fun!

 And of course hysterical photo opportunities...come on, we're the Engels, my kids are conditioned like Pavlov's dogs to smile and pose for the camera.

Ok..us too..I just don't post a whole lot of me. lol!

And there was evening, and there was morning, -- the fourth day.

Day 5 - The final day = Legoland

It was bittersweet. We knew we would be going to see friends, but leaving...was a tad more difficult for some of us. Particularly Shane, Kyle and myself. Maybe it was the bonding time, the sleeping arrangements, the lack of a cat, dog, 3 toads and fish to take care of, I'm not sure...but I sure am going to miss our little get-a-way! Off we were by 7:30am

Legoland, didn't bust the budget either. I organized a field trip and invited a bunch of homeschoolers and if we had a minimum of 15 children on this organized trip, we could get tickets for $5 per person. So for $25 my entire family got to experience a super fun filled theme park. All of it for less than the price of one ticket normally. We had an incredible time and even more special because we could share it with our friends, but I have to say, I would never pay $75 to come here...Disney, yes (even though that is hard to swallow too). However, my children would say YES..it was worth every cent! I agree it was awesome and I'm thankful we each paid $5.

Here are just a few of the pictures...trust me..some of those Lego creations were breathtaking! I won't show all of my pictures, don't worry!

 The weather couldn't have been more perfect!!

 If you start asking yourself, "Is that made of legos?" Just answer yourself..."yes."

 My pictures don't really do justice to the enormity of this place!

 We went of every single ride I think...some fast, some slow..all fun! I had the most fun walking with good friends, seeing our homeschool buddies in line at rides and sitting at lunch. I just love our community of homeschoolers. So blessed to have such great people in my life!

 This one made us laugh. This is Las Vegas...but our children see it and scream..."Look Africa!"

 We had our friend Seth join us & it made an even number..nice for riding rides!

 Look, Brendan got to sit under the nose of one of his heroes!

 The boys even got their "driver's license"!

You can see the shadows of all of us parents who were cracking up at the thought of these crazy kids ever getting their license. They were running stop lights and switching lanes, but by the end, they all got the hang of it!

The park closes at 5:00pm..which was exactly when we left. We had such a good time. We went a little over our daily budget because we had to buy lunch...too much thought going into making lunches and packing up my car. I wasn't prepared with the proper equipment to pack lunches on this day..so we bought lunch...the good thing was..it was a big enough lunch to cover two meals..so we went straight home after this.

We talked about how much we missed our pets and what a wonderful vacation we had. So thankful that the Lord provided a way for us to get a way, and provided people to take care of our pets! I almost cried when I picked up Dodger...I was worried he wouldn't remember me...no worries...his tail is still going!

And there was evening, and there was morning, -- the fifth day.

I look over all of these pictures and all of our memories and I can see that it was all very good! And there was evening and there was morning --