|borrowed pic from the globaldoorproject.org|
Every once in a while I pull back the curtains in my heart to reveal something totally vulnerable, I'm not sure yet if it is for whomever is reading this, or solely for me, either way it is therapeutic and sometimes an occasional reader gets blessed in the aftermath. This is one of those times when I can't get my thoughts straight, so in order to accomplish any housework, grade papers or bake cookies, I must get this out.
The Lord is working on either refining me or defining me or both. About a year ago He moved me from point A where I was content, to point B where I have found in some ways allowed me to grow. He has a way of moving us...we never want to be stagnant...because then we might start to stink. When I was moved from A to B, at first I felt stripped. Stripped of all that I loved, all that I knew I worked well in, all that was familiar and freeing. But I knew it was for a noble cause. I knew it was not about me at all...it was more about those I love. When love is involved, sacrifice is much easier.
So a door was closed. So closed, that even when I snuck back in for a brief moment, I knew I was not going to be able to go back. I have to accept that when God closes a door, He must be opening up a new one - that's what they say right? The crazy thing is, I think he is teaching me that not all doors have knobs, handles, and windows and they can look and operate very differently.
I'm 45 years old, felt like I've lost something that I'm never gonna recover and I have shed many tears and have even lost sleep because of this transition. I've started to do an in depth study of Psalms 91. Did you know that God promises so much in those 16 verses? The beginning of the chapter gives us one thing to do..."Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." That's it - choose to dwell in His shelter and rest in His shadow! Well, I do that. I spend time every morning doing just that...and sure enough He is showing me His many promises.
So while I'm running from door to door, while I'm weeping over the fact that "feel" I don't have a "home", He is showing me that I've been narrow minded in thinking that doors have to even be connected to a wall let alone a building. Wow! Mind blown (as my eleven year old would say)! Now don't think for one minute that the enemy isn't just having a heyday with my mind. OH He's such a liar. Thoughts like, are you ready for this?..."You don't fit here. He's not gonna be using your gifts any longer, your time is up. You left your family, now you are alone. These people don't need you or really even want you. Don't lie to yourself Lisa...they were getting tired of you that's why you left...that's why it was time." It can get pretty ugly....those lying arrows can hit your heart and make a mess if you let them. NOW, I knew exactly what they were...lies. Did you know that these arrows are deliberately sent by the enemy and intentionally aimed at the spot they can cause most damage? Usually targeted in the area in which are mind is not renewed by the Word -- like an area where we are still losing our temper, or where we are still easily offended, or and area of rebellion or fear (which is most likely where my weak spot is located). Good news...Eph. 6 reminds us that we have a shield of faith that will extinguish all the flaming arrows. That shield is strengthened by believing His Word. He will deliver us!!
So I've been focused on saturating my mind on His Word. My time with the Lord has been me asking Him to renew my mind to such an extent that I have more faith in His Word than in what I see or hear. You see faith is not a tool to manipulate God into giving you something you want, it is simply the means by which we accept what God has already made available. So...while I'm running here and there, feeling a little lost, this morning I found myself running right under the wings of my Father. "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."
This morning, by surprise or maybe not, I opened my door to a field full of chickens, cows and horses. I thought of a babe chick and how it runs under its Mama's wings to find shelter. Mama doesn't run after all of her chicks...they come to her. You see the Lord is always there, we are the ones that run around fearful looking for shelter...He is just right there...open arms..ready to shelter us and renew us to do the next thing.
God has shown me, as I opened my car door this morning, that I have found my family, in fact I felt like the Lord said..."Hold on Lisa, My faithfulness knows no boundaries, there are no doors to be open, I've opened all the doors and you are home now." I know I'm going to experience something amazing, something that the deepest part of my heart has longed for for a long time. Home, a home without walls or doors, a place open for new things, new people, new experiences. I'm at point B, I've not left there, and I'm happy to be there...but what I was searching for is not found in any "point" at all. God has shown me, that the gifts that He gave me, He has given me so He can use them, where He wants to use them, when He wants to use them. He hasn't stripped me of them. So...I will stay in His shelter and rest in His shadow..and enjoy my new wide open home.