Silent Pain Brought to Light

Kyle, Brendan and Shane

As if the transformation from boy to man isn't difficult enough, add on the social pressures, hormonal changes, and well meaning parents and it's the making of a perfect storm.

(This post was shared with Kyle prior to my posting.)

This isn't going to be an easy post, but I feel strongly that I have a small voice and if I can help someone else....well,  you understand. This has been, hands down the most difficult year of Kyle's life. As most know, Kyle is my son who was diagnosed at 3 years old with PDD-NOS (a spectrum disorder). Recently the Lord has been revealing His Word to me as it relates to our body, mind and spirit. The Lord brought to my memory today of words I've spoken in the past - words that both Kyle and I had to reread. Here is that post - He's My Superhero.

This past year Kyle has been under certain torment. Imagine the square peg in a round hole. He was finding it easier to be "himself" among people that do not know him, that can not see him, and that only know him by the words he types on a screen. So as a parent you see a pull to this environment, you naturally want to limit his exposure because after all, "these people aren't really your friends Kyle," you don't really know who they are...they are...words typed on a screen.

So, I may not know everything there is to know about all things techy, but that is why I work extra hard to be sure I'm on and in everything my kids do. They know that with every device they have - I have the ability to access it at any given time. That's the way its done around here. I had a parent tell me that their child would not appreciate knowing that I can look at a chat that they're involved in. Well, sorry - pick up the telephone and chat the old fashioned way...I'm not listening to phone calls. We all need accountability....and they are all minors. Anyway, with that said I had read some of the most beautiful words written by my son to others in this building game that he plays. His heart for people astounds me. His heartfelt prayers for people....I know it is kind of a ministry for him. However, he was getting lost in that world. I had to help bring him back.

We went to counseling and he was/is loved by his counselor. She adores him. Kyle will tell you, he had so much anger pent up inside of him. He would lash out, uncontrollably. We started not to recognize him at all.

Mike and I tried to help him by showing him different ways to handle himself. In the most loving way a parent can, we would try to help Kyle "change" so he could perhaps be more socially accepted. We didn't understand. An example would be, Kyle had this "thing" where he would want to give everyone a high five but at the last minute move his hand so you would miss. Okay, not bad right? Well, not the first 20 times, but after a while we kept thinking, everyone is going to get so tired of this. Or his crazy dancing that he would do - people may think that is odd or goofy. So we would suggest, "hey buddy, why don't you try to mix it up a bit, surprise people, shake their hand instead." Things like that. We would try to give him alternatives. Different ways to help him, so he didn't "stand out" because he was different. We just wanted him to feel loved by others. We wanted him to feel accepted, like he had friends. We were afraid that kids were not wanting to be around him. He didn't want to go to co-op, church anywhere...he just wanted to stay home and be with his online friends.  We were just trying to get him to hold back on the things we interpreted as "unusual behavior" or "awkward".

All the while, not understanding what was happening, we were trying to squeeze this very special peg in to a box that he wasn't ever meant to fit into. Well, that's painful isn't it. When the counselor said to us, "You are probably the only people who think Kyle has to change, everybody else in that youth group, or co-op or anyone that knows Kyle is not expecting Kyle to be any different." I wept and wept. My son, who was tired of living, who told me it would be better if he were not alive and if he went to be with Jesus. My boy who smiles and makes people around him smile, was dying on the inside...and the people who love him the most were just trying to make him into something he was not. As if what he is...wasn't enough. OUCH!

He is enough. He is perfect. He is a teenage boy, with a sense of humor, a style of his own. He is this child who marches to the beat of his own drum. The same boy who drew this 5 years ago...

So, as the video shows below shows, we have embraced Kyle's uniqueness. We actually try to remember to encourage it. In this we were at a coffee house and it was 80s night. My boy got up and danced his own special dance and people just came out and joined him. He was on top of the world. So we did what any proud parents would do..we cheered him on (even though it reminded me of some 80s version of jazzercise). We laughed, clapped and cheered and it was FUN! When we got in the car that night he said, "The best part about this night was when I heard you guys cheering me on - that made me feel awesome." Lesson learned! So, we love our Kyle so much. He's going through some serious stuff, I would rather have crazy Kyle, the Kyle that God created, the one that was chosen and who is greatly loved, holy, a child of God than a boy who doesn't know who he is.

Parenting. It's not for wimps. He still has limitations on his technology, I still try to encourage other avenues of entertainment. He had a life altering encounter with the Holy Spirit while he was away at camp with our church youth group. He went up for prayer for a broken heart and he came back whole! He feels like he has friends at church now, brothers. He knows what the Lord has done for him. He wants to share his story with others. He even asked if I thought he could be a youth pastor. Ummm....YES!! I have always believed Kyle was special and unique and that God created him for greatness. I got a little lost in the every day teenage hormonal storm, but I'm standing strong now. It's not easy...I'm a human being...but every single day I rely on the Holy Spirit to get me through. I am working on "supernatural parenting" as our youth pastor would call it. I'm thankful for those that have supported us during this time, this very silent time. I encourage you, do not make the mistakes we've made. Just like Kyle never wanted anyone to ever know he spoke of suicide, we never wanted anyone to know the anguish and level of discontent we were living with either. When you put that stuff in the light, the enemy loses his power. Find people you can trust, people you know will storm Heaven on your behalf. People who will speak life over your family and over you. People who will put you in your place and tell you what is what. I'm so thankful. Kyle is still going through puberty, he still struggles with many things. No question. But I see a huge change in him. I see him trying to get past the limitations his disorder has claimed in his life. We now declare over him what God's word says. Autism Spectrum Disorder...its got nothing over my boy! He is created in the image of God, whole and perfect with a destiny that will astonish the next generation!

On The Day That You Were Born...

To celebrate the birth of my twins, I decided to write a blog, one devoted to each child! I will publish one today and one tomorrow. I've written about their miraculous story in the past. How, unable to get pregnant for 10 years, losing 14 babies along the way, finally, our last hope with In-vitro-ferlization, we were able to carry Kyle and Brendan to a healthy birth (albeit pre-term). I don't recall holding my babies when they were born, I was in a coma for 4 days due to postpartum hemorrhaging. But we all came home on Father's Day - about 7 days after they were born. Kyle was diagnosed with PDD-NOS an autism spectrum disorder, learning disabled and developmentally delayed. Some people criticize us for having Kyle tested, but the truth is, knowing what was going on in his world, helped us help him. Kyle is an overcomer and is perfectly created by God, fashioned and formed in my womb with a destiny and a calling upon His life! And the great part is....that he knows it!

Every year, since the year my children were born, we have only ever given them a book for their birthday. A very special book, a book that represents their interests, or significant in some way. Then we write a letter in the book, reminding them of their accomplishments and friends and milestones reached throughout the year. Finally ending it with a written prayer for their present and future. I've copied portions of my letter below, along with pictures of Kyle growing up! Enjoy!

Dear Kyle,

God has been using you in my life since before you came into this world. We loved you since you were just a little embryo. (Not too many parents can say that!) My sweet little miracle that because the doctors couldn't find your vitals, and because I had already lost 14 babies...I went to see Dr. Khoury and he found that Baby "A" did indeed have a heartbeat. Little did anyone know, just how amazing and loving and huge your heart was going to be!

Foretold in several prophetic words, that I would have "babies",  by several people...indeed God gets all the glory! Born early in the morning, 120 seconds (as you say) before your brother Brendan...I still can't believe it after all those years of trying..no one can understand the absolute elation you Dad and I felt!  Today we celebrate 13 years of your life! I cannot type this without crying. What a huge milestone! Kyle you are fun, funny and very unique. You have overcome so many obstacles in 13 years, we couldn't be more proud to call you son!

Your Dad and I love you more than words could ever do justice! Thank you Kyle, for making us laugh, for seeing the world differently and for enjoying even the simplest of things with great magnitude! This particular year, life has thrown you some serious curve balls. You have had to learn very difficult and painful lessons, but watching you grow from each one, and rely on God...honestly, I think it was me who learned the most!

Not everyone gets what an incredible friend you can be. The way you LOVE people Kyle is inspirational! Thank you for trusting God with your heart! Thank you for allowing God to work through you. What 13 year old, get out of bed, night after night, to pray for their parents. The words you have prayed over me specifically, Kyle, have ministered to my heart in more ways than you will ever know! I love doing this journey with you Kyle! You have gifts that God gave you and you are not afraid to use them!

Homeschooling you may have been one of the biggest steps of faith that I have ever taken, but it certainly has come with some of the most enormous rewards! Thank you for being patient with me as I learned to step out of the boat...it is a joy to walk on water with you every single day!

Lord, please continue to work in Kyle's life. May this year he grow closer to you than ever before. These next few years in Kyle's development Lord, we just ask that you guide him, give him the wisdom of Solomon, wisdom beyond his years and experience! Direct his steps Lord. I pray for his future wife, that she would love the Lord above all else! That she would desire to please God and likewise be a blessing to her husband! I pray that Kyle would continue to learn to hide the Word in his heart! Lord, help him to overcome some of his memory issues and help me to be the best Mom/teacher he can have!

Thank you Lord for placing people in Kyle's life that love him. His new friends at DYG, who accept him and love him...exactly how you have created him! Thank you for the men of God in his life, his Dad, Pastor John, Pastor Ray, Mr. Chuck and others. I do not believe it is accidental at all...that you have placed these men at this time in His life!

Thank you for creating him to see things differently, because he has an ability to see beauty in people and things that become lessons for those of us that are close to him. What a gift!

Thank you for his heart for prayer, for child like faith, for boldness to pray the things that many want to believe in but fear are too big! Kyle never fears things are too big! He prayed for Ms. Aleatha, that she would never have a limp after her foot was broken and she was told she may very well walk with a limp her whole life. She never had to limp...ever! He believes in healing and in the Healer! Perhaps believing in the healing power of God comes easy for Kyle because he is a walking, talking miracle himself!

Lord, protect him from the enemy! Set a hedge around him and guard him all the days of his life! Father, we trust you to weed out the people in his life, surround him with encouragers, protect him from trouble and all kinds of evil or malice!

Thank you God for giving Kyle brothers that love him, and love being by his side. Brothers who look after him, and sacrifice at times because "he's my brother"! Thank you for the special relationships he has with Brendan and Shane! May they continue to grow closer and may they have a bond that is not easily broken. Protect them from division, lies and deception! Keep them close Lord, all the days of their lives!

Father grow the call of discipleship in Kyle's life! Grow the gift of healing and intercessory prayer in this child! May he always be bold and never back away from an opportunity to share the love of Jesus with others!

Continue to grow his talents and gifts and may you teach him to be a good steward of those things in which you have placed in him when you formed him! Mold him, make him more like you Jesus!

Thank you for this precious young man! On his birthday, every year, I think....Lord, on June 12th, 2001, you gave me two of the most amazing gifts...and I celebrate your generous heart towards me! May you grant to Mike and I wisdom to be the best parents you have called us to be. May we always have the sensitivity to hear you Lord. Thank you for loving us through the difficult times and the mistakes we've made in parenting! You are a wonder worker...and I see that every day in the lives of my boys!

In the Mighty Name of Jesus....Amen

He is My Superhero

My cute baby "A" at 2 years old.

I know I've written so much about Kyle in this "Journey of a Superhero Mom" blog. My boys are my superheros - and I'm simply their Mom - never make the mistake..I'm not a super Mom at all - just a Mom to superheros. They continue to teach me things I never knew...or things that I may have forgotten.  I write again, because this is the place I've chosen to log what is going on in his life - my journal so to speak - and if our experiences can ever help anyone, then...praise God!

I've mentioned before that Kyle is the gift God gave me to show me Jesus every day. I'll just mention briefly that Kyle was diagnosed at the age of 3 with PDD-NOS - an autism spectrum disorder. He was tested and found that he was developmentally delayed as well as severely learning disabled (short term memory issues, as well as sequencing issues). He has gone through speech, physical, and occupational therapy for years. If you know this child, he could easily steal your heart. Today, I would confidently say that he is an OVERCOMER. He is VICTORIOUS! He is perfectly made in the IMAGE OF GOD!

Around 5 years old...obsessed with making "sand"balls.

Today he is going to see a Neurologist because he has been fainting (passing out). We are trying to rule out seizures, because when I found him on the ground 2 weeks ago he just didn't look right. Tomorrow he goes to a cardiologist. I was hit with what felt like a ton of bricks 2 weeks ago while we sat with the second doctor and repeated some of the same things. As we sit in the room with my now 12.5 year old boy, it dawns on my husband and I that we've NEVER told Kyle that he has special needs, or that he is on the spectrum, or that he has learning disabilities. In our family...we ALL have issues. So to explain to my other children when Kyle acted odd, we would tell them, Kyle has issues.

All of this came out right in front of Kyle at the doctors. He heard me say all those things. These past two weeks I've worked hard to replace those words, with words of LIFE! Yes, these may have been true of Kyle's past, and yes he still continues to struggle in many areas, BUT he is God's favorite. He is free. He is chosen. He is a new Creation. He is a child of God. He is greatly loved. He is built up!

We all need to remind ourselves of these things which are true. All found in the Word of God...and we need to BELIEVE God at His Word!

My sweet boy...this past summer (2013)...truly my superhero.

I have heard this child say the most amazing things in the past three weeks. I do believe that God has revealed some truth of His Word...deep into Kyle's heart. One of the best thing about Kyle is that he has the most beautiful heart. I tell him all the time...like David...his heart is precious..and he is a man after God's very own heart!

This week he has had to wear the hat of humility. He made a mistake. Said somethings that he shouldn't have said. He confessed. Asked for forgiveness from the people that his words hurt. Then he asked the Lord to forgive him. He told me later. "Mom, I asked God to forgive me too. Now, it is like I never did it!"

Friends, if we could all understand the forgiveness of God like this...I think we would all feel that much lighter. We have ALL fallen short of the Glory of God, but when we seek His forgiveness, He forgives and that is it. The slate is clean. It is our own minds, or the people around us that remember. Oh to be more like Jesus. Kyle has been deeply hurt in the past - words have hurt him...all too often. Things said, behind his back and even to his face. I've watched this child cry his heart out on my sofa. He knows how to forgive and truly forget. I have watched him. Without apologies...he still forgives. I think that is why he easily asks for forgivness. He knows he is not perfect. He knows he makes mistakes, but he also knows he has a loving God that forgives him...because he trusts God to know his heart.

See...this boy shows me Jesus...all the time. He is my superhero.

He Ain't Heavy...

Brendan and Kyle...I love this picture so much...says so much about their relationship.

He's my brother. We've heard the song, if you haven't check it out...it was made famous by The Hollies in the mid 70s. I know, I'm dating myself. So years ago,when my sweet Kyle was first diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (PDD-NOS) I got myself in a support group where I felt right at home. These people understood me and my world. It was comfortable and I learned a great deal from others who have walked down this road.

Today, I don't have a support group and some say I don't need one. Truly, most every adult I know...absolutely loves my boy, and really cannot see any "special needs". I'm so thankful - he has come a long way!! We see it all, we see what others don't. I've turned to writing as my way of wrestling with the raw feelings that really only others who have walked this path can truly understand. Perhaps if you haven't had to walk this path, you will run into someone who is and can be a source of encouragement.

Twins!

I have written quite a bit about Kyle. My oldest (by 2 minutes). I have written about the fact that I once prayed for healing...and realized that God made no mistakes when He created Kyle - the healing came in me. I would love for him not to struggle socially or academically, but honestly...the boy shows me Jesus all the time.  Tonight the boys came home and once again I am sitting here with a huge lump in my throat. I do feel for my boy and his challenges and Mr. Incredible and I work hard at trying to give him tools to help him work out those "issues", but it is getting more difficult now that hormones are getting involved, not to mention he is just getting smarter. He knows things now that he wasn't aware of before...and it is starting to hurt.

The lump that is in my throat has to do with his twin brother, Brendan. As we talked about what happened during the car ride tonight Brendan looked at me with tears in his eyes and explained to me that people do look at Kyle differently. People do raise eyebrows and people can be rude to him. Brendan says that often he will step in as his brother and explain "My brother has a form of Autism...he can't help it." He told me that most of the time, almost all of the time, people get it and understand. He said to me with a tear in the corner of his eye, "Mom, if people would just get to know him they would love him and accept him!"

This is why I am purposeful to teach them the truth about who they are in Christ!

Who Christ says he is!!

Then he asked me if I thought the Lord might heal Kyle, if I still pray for his healing like I use to. I haven't prayed for his healing. I guess I pray for his challenges and that he would be an overcomer...but I love him so much and often think...he is this way for a reason.  Most people do understand and most people love him. It is this age, 13 years olds, it is a weird phase, and boys this age...can be hurtful without even knowing it. We try to explain to Kyle that some of the things he does...can annoy people. You see he tries so hard to fit in, to make people laugh. Sometimes, if he feels even a bit uncomfortable he will resort to trying to be funny...that is his way of feeling better in social situations.

My pain is for Brendan, who at the age of six tells me..."Mom, don't worry, when you die my wife and I will take care of Kyle." Who says that at age six? Today, he hurts for his brother. He hurts when his friends act impatient and rude to him. He carries a burden that I never ever wanted him to have to carry.

Kyle feeding Brendan!

I told him tonight that I am so thankful that Kyle has him as a brother. He is an amazing kid with a incredible heart! He told me right back..."I'm glad I have Kyle...I love him Mom!" I really feel like Brendan doesn't feel like it is a burden. Like the song says...

"The road is long, with many a winding turn that leads us to who knows where. Who knows when, but I'm strong -  strong enough to carry him. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

So on we go, his welfare is of my concern. No burden is he to bear, we'll get there. For I know he would not encumber me. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

If I'm laden at all I'm laden with sadness, that everyone's heart isn't filled with the gladness of love for one another. It's a long, long road from which there is no return. While we're on the way to there why not share and the load doesn't weigh me down at all. He ain't heavy, he's my brother."

I can not even put into words how much I love this boy. How thankful I am for his heart for the Lord and for his family. He has stepped in an intervened on so many occasions. His precious heart hurts for his brother and being 12 years old himself...I'm sure he doesn't know how to deal with it all the time. I'm in my mid 40s and I don't even know. I'm glad that Kyle has found some new friends at our new church. They seem to love him and truly make him feel like he belongs.

Brendan absolutely loves his brothers. He would gladly carry them, wherever, whenever! Kyle and Shane just don't know how incredibly blessed they are to have Brendan in their lives. I pray someday they will! I pray that someday they will appreciate that they are amazing brothers...my true superheros.

He ain't heavy, he's my brother!

This is the perfect set of pictures! There is my sweet Brendan...pushing his brothers...and smiling the whole time! "He ain't heavy, he's my brother!"  I love you son....more than my words or actions could ever express! I'm so thankful you are in my life my sweet superhero!

He Is Just Misunderstood

My precious boy..and the bird we rescued!

My emotions have been all over the place today. I know it is probably pre-menopause for the most part, but I have laughed hard today and even cried a little. I felt blah then amazing. I felt like a failure and then a winner. Crazy what one day can bring.

Kyle and his snickerdoodles!

My friend Allison has planned our Homeschool Christmas party for tomorrow..and one of the things she encouraged us to do is bake cookies together with our children (thank you for that Allison). I love to bake!! I love to bake with my boys. However, my sweet and precious Kyle has never shown an interest in baking. He would rather draw, play legos, make paper airplanes....700 of them. He is such a sweet and wonderful boy...it is over him that I wept today. Tonight as he mixed his ingredients..he was very awkward. I noticed, he didn't stand right...this is not his thing. I gave him the scoop to scoop out the dough and for the life of him he couldn't figure out how to squeeze it so the dough would drop off. I demonstrated it about 5 times...I watched him struggle...I got all choked up.  I told him, how much I loved baking with him tonight. I held his hands in mine and squeezed the scoop..and out plopped the ball of dough. He was so excited...like the first time he learned to use the water fountain. Everything to Kyle is....amazing!

Always so genuinely thankful - he loves nutcrackers!

Coming home from the park one day, Kyle's twin brother says to me..."Mom, I think that Kyle is just misunderstood by people. They don't understand his ways." OH that weighed heavy on my heart.

Toilet paper contest at Grapple!

 When he was very young, before he had words (he didn't speak on his own until he was 3 years old), when he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) PDD-NOS I wanted to wear a shirt that said...please don't mind him...he's on the spectrum.

What he does with his legos...He made Cruella DeVille and some dalmatians.

 I tossed and turned about how to explain him, if I should bother explaining him. How do I explain him? Well, he is precious beyond words. He is honest and good. He has an innocent heart, one that cares deeply for all things. He loves animals and art and adores nutcrackers. He genuinely cares about people. He loves God...and really really knows Jesus. He prays like nobody's business. He sees what nobody else notices! He cares about the details!

"Oh how embarrassing" His love/hate relationship with the Paparazzi!

He use to stand on his head in new situations. No, I'm serious, that is not a figure of speech. When Kyle was uncomfortable, for many years he wore a batman mask. Yes, even to sing in the children's choir. He did grow out of that and moved on to carrying a magna doodle with him...so he can draw...when he was uncomfortable. A few years back..the boy would stand on his head..it is quite impressive. He was warming up to different situations and people by showing his talent. Now he carries a composition notebook..it helps to keep him centered.

I just had to show the detail!

 He can be very "silly", seem immature, say things just a little differently. It is his way of making his world seem...safe..when he feels out of his comfort zone. He is funny and his is very polite. Many people, many children have said unkind things to him. I think Brendan is right...he is just misunderstood.

I love this boy, his heart, his face...every single thing about him!

So..tonight as I stood by him at the table, we talked. I told him how much I loved him. How special it was for me to have him join me in something I absolutely love to do. I told him that he has enriched my world so much. He looked at me...right in my eyes (he didn't do that when he was 3 years old)..with that gorgeous smile and said "Mom, I want to be wherever you are...always. You know, you are beautiful Mom...and I love you!" I hugged him...he in his green apron, me in mine! You know what I don't care if you don't understand my Kyle. I don't care if he annoys you with his "oddness". This boy shows me Jesus...every single day! I sit here right now..with tears..running down my face..because I'm the one that is blessed. He belongs to me. Yes, he has challenges. He doesn't know everything a boy his age should know. I don't care. He knows how to love...how to treat people with respect...how to touch your heart. He's mine...misunderstood or not...his brothers, his Dad and I understand.

Thank you Lord for giving Kyle to us. May we do right by you Jesus in the way we continue to raise this boy. May you fashion him and perfect him to do whatever it is you have planned for him. May he continue to have your heart Lord...and shine Jesus wherever he goes!