Remember with Peace Not Pain

October is an awareness month. We have Breast Cancer Awareness and Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness going on this month. I thought about it last night as I was lying in bed. When I lost my babies, there was no awareness month, yet I and those who walked that journey with me were aware every day...of every month. I'm glad there are awareness months. I have a son on the autism spectrum, I love to help educate others during Autism awareness month. Losing a pregnancy or a child, there is so much private pain, and it is so incredibly individual. To hear my story of the loss of my babies, I wrote a piece a few years ago called There is a Time For Everything. I hope you find hope and comfort in my experience and my words.

I love how many people I know have memorialized their babies in different ways. Some people have pictures, some have paintings, some have baby blankets, many have named their unborn children.... Not that we would ever forget, but there is something that happens in our hearts when we look at whatever it is that we have as a memorial. Something so endearing that it is almost impossible to find the words. You have to trust me on this.

My memorial of the loss of my 14 babies is this jar. This is a special jar, given to me by a special lady in my life after I lost my first two babies. Sadly, it is cracked and very delicate - yet it has endured the past 20+ years. In this jar are little shells, each shell representing one of my babies that now reside in Heaven. Interestingly enough, I can look at each one and remember the first 2 that I put in this jar so vividly. I actually remember placing each one in the jar, but for sure I remember what the first two look like. This jar is so special because at the top of it is a magnifying glass, so when you look into the jar, you can see the details of each shell, the uniqueness of each one. I think to myself, each of my babies were so unique, I'm sure so different in many ways, but as I look in the jar I know that my love for every single one is the same - so deep, so sincere, so emotional.

Do I look upon this with sadness each time. No. It is not because I am presently raising 3 teenage boys right here on earth. I know this because throughout the 10 years that I lost these children to Heaven, I had to slowly fill the jar and I remember being comforted by the Holy Spirit and the Word of God.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted." Psalm 34 (indeed He was). "There is a season for every activity under the Heavens, a time to be born and a time to die..."  Ecc. 3 "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 4:11 

I know my babies were created for His Glory (Rev. 4:11). I find great comfort in knowing that one day, I have a very LARGE family, one day my children will meet me, one day when I go home they will know me and recognize the love that I have for each of them. 

My journey of infertility and loss was long, but it was a time that the Lord did an amazing work in me. Oh I remember how patient and loving He was towards me. When I cried, screamed, got angry, hurt, envious...times when I would soak my pillow with my tears...He was there to remind me of His love. He spoke words to me and comforted my soul. There really are never words anyone can every speak that can comfort you the way the Lord can. I count myself blessed and honored to have carried these little ones for as long as the Lord allowed. 

If you've read this and you know someone who has been in this place of loss...pray for them, send them a card, give them a hug. Trust me when I tell you, it doesn't matter if it is 3 days ago, 1 year or 20+, never fear that you are going to remind us...we've not forgotten. 

If you are someone who has lost a baby, a child, or a pregnancy...take time to feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit. Let Him wrap His arms around you. There is no time limit on grief...but be aware of the Love of Jesus as He hold's you in His arms. Give Him access to your heart so He can begin the healing process.  We tend to want to hold our hand over our wounds don't we? We don't want to expose them to anyone, for fear of the pain. I can tell you, if you let go of those wounds and let the Healer do His thing...He doesn't put a bandaid on it...He heals the wound completely. Don't worry, you will not forget, but you will remember with peace and not pain. I promise. ♥

There Is A Time For Everything...

...And a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die,a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

December is all in itself a season: the winter season, the Christmas season, a busy season. I think of all the songs that talk about the season..."Tis the season to be jolly!" I actually love LOVE this season, even though it hold bittersweet memories. I am convinced that each and every memory whether happy or sad, plays a part in making you who you are. Although...I understand how this "season" can be difficult. I want to encourage you to take it all in.

One of my happiest memories would be my wedding day...December 15th, 1990. One of my saddest memories would be December 12th, 1997.  This December 12th will be the 15th anniversary of the loss of our first child. (I lost his twin three weeks after that). Then we have so many wonderful memories that go with celebrating the birth of our Savior.

I'm thankful for those words from Ecclesiastes above...they speak volumes to my heart.

I was in school, teaching...when it happened. I tried to deny it! Rushed to the specialist...I saw the screen! I remember not wanting to go to the hospital. I remember having to deliver in my pastor's home with a doctor who went to our church. I remember the tears and the prayers of my dearest friends who laid on that bed and prayed over me as I was in labor...too stubborn to go to the hospital. Too emotional to give up on this long awaited baby. I had been trying to get pregnant for 5 years already. My first attempt at insemination...and I was pregnant. I had started a baby book, received blankets and cards. My entire church family rejoiced (a time to dance) at the news that I was in fact going to have a baby! Now here I was, late first trimester, in the spare bedroom of our pastors/friends, going into labor...(a time to mourn)! I finally went to the hospital and remember feeling dead inside. Three weeks later I would find that I had an ectopic pregnancy too. This baby had died many weeks prior, but we weren't aware that he/she lay lodged in my tube (life and death situation)...which was about to burst.

December 12th was indeed a time to be born, and a time to die. Not just the death of my son, but my dream of having one, my hope of holding him. Shortly after this, a new hope was born in my heart. I understood that everything that He created (even my first son), was created for His pleasure. For now..my son..was created for His pleasure only.  A precious woman of God, my mentor, spoke at a retreat shortly after my miscarriage. She spoke about how everything was created...to bring Him Glory (Rev. 4:11). Even every grain of sand, or every shell upon the earth...was made special and for the purpose of bringing Him Glory. She even handed out little tiny shells that were to remind us that everything was created for His pleasure. This spoke straight to my heart.

I remember coming home and showing Michael the shells. I took two, one represented my son and the other the baby lost in my tube. At first I had them in a little baggie tucked away in my baby book. I would panic when I couldn't find them. Kept asking Mike..."Oh my gosh..where are the babies?!!" When I really meant "Where are the shells!" I realized that these little shells became my memorial of the babies, who for now, would wait for me in Heaven.

Another friend of mine gave me a very unique jar. It is a magnifying glass on top so when you look through the top you can see more detail of the items that are in the jar. This very special jar holds 14 little shells...each serving as a memorial of the babies who wait for us in Heaven...each created in the image of God...and for His pleasure.

Yes, I do have 3 amazing and precious sons now. Three boys who know this story and understand that they have been chosen to live here...for a great and wonderful purpose...a destiny that I anticipate will indeed bring Him honor. Not unlike their brothers/sisters...they too have been created in God's image and for His Glory and pleasure!

Oh, if you need comfort today...here it is! He is on His Throne. He was on his throne on December 12, 1997, He was on His throne when my mother and father died. He was on His throne when I lost each of those babies. He is still on His Throne. He is my Redeemer, my Hope, my Rescuer! He is my Healer, my Restorer!  I look forward to the day I see Him face to face. I look forward to the day I see all of my babies, my parents....one day I will...He has set eternity in my heart  --  that is a precious and wonderful gift - for which I'm eternally grateful!

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 4:11 

Invitro Babies

Recently a friend was discussing her daughter and the fact that she had some "mild issues" that they were just starting to perhaps pinpoint and read up on. As you know my Kyle has some "issues" as he is on the autism spectrum. By the way, that does not mean he is autistic at all. When you meet Kyle, he is the friendliest, most lovable little guy in the world. When you get to know him, aside from his learning disabilities, he loves to be with people most of the time...unlike most autistic children who are content and sometimes more comfortable alone. Kyle just shows some of the sign of autism....sensory integration dysfunction, speech and language delay, and obsessive compulsiveness.

All this to say that after my friend was telling me that the book I suggested made her feel better, she ended our conversation with...."I don't know....these invitro babies....high tech." This is the second or third time those words have rung in my ears and heart. When I was pregnant and on 6 months of strict bed rest, another friend of mine who had had twins via invitro had found out her daughter was having seizures. She wondered if it was because of invitro fertilization. (In case you don't know, invitro fertilization is when they take the sperm and the egg (in my case husband sperm--my egg), place it in a dish and allow them to fertilize, then "shoot" them back into the already prepared uterus for "natural" implantation to take place.)

It took 10 very long years of trying to get pregnant for Mike and I. We prayed and prayed and pursued international adoption, and prayed and we knew this was the route we were to take. In the course of 7 years we did fertility pills (the BBT chart method, alone and coupled with fertility drugs, Artificial Insemination (3 times), Frozen Embryo Transplant-2 times, and Invitro Fertilization 3 times. 750 needles later, 14 babies gone to heaven, Kyle and Brendan seem to stick. The rest of my pregnancy was quite the miracle after miracle.

Why do I struggle when I here those words with the tone of blame? Maybe because I wonder if I did this to Kyle by having invitro. I know that is silly to think...and Kyle is perfectly and wonderfully made by the Lord Himself. I know too that this was the route the Lord wanted Mike and I to take. I am solid in all of this, but still. My babies didn't happen by surprise or even "naturally".

Nonetheless, when you look at these two babies, fraternal twins...yet different in so many ways...I am reminded that the were fashioned and created exactly the way the Lord intended. I am thankful for Kyle's love for Jesus and his love for people. I am thankful, in a sense that we have had (and continue) to travel this road of discovery for and with Kyle. I am grateful for others who have supported us and other still who can empathize with me. One of the challenging things that I had to overcome (yea right...Kyle is the one overcoming) is that he looks like any other kid, but at times acts like, well lets just say, different or unique. It's overcoming other peoples comments that is most difficult, people immediately jump to our parenting skills or lack there of. We have come to love and even adore some of his "issues"....he even laughs when we point out his odd behavior sometimes. He is becoming so much more aware, but he knows he is KYLE...sometimes his brain hurts...most of the time he just tries to make us laugh...sometimes he tries to make us mad though too! HA! He knows that he is a mighty man of God and he shares his love so effortlessly...he knows Jesus lives in his heart...and really those are the important things for us.

So are his disabilities my fault? No, but even if they were do to the "unnatural" way Kyle was conceived...there is nothing "unnatural" about the spirit that lives within him--and that alone came from the Lord. He is a child of God...and he is mine! I am thrilled that the Lord chose Mike and I to be his parents. I celebrate the fact that the Lord enable me to hold these babies in my womb and to give birth to them...I am eternally grateful that the Lord answered my prayers and granted me the desires of my heart. There is no mistake about it...all of this was intentional and purposeful and planned!

How God Can Use A Pen

Anyone who knows me knows my passion for reading. I am addicted to a few things, reading is one of those things, my kids/husband (family) and this computer are the other things. So, I have handed many a book to share with others. I just couldn't imagine someone not knowing about my favorite authors. I have been to Book Teas and have brought books from this particular author and have had many people thank me for handing them these books. So here are a few of my favorite authors, Randy Alcorn, C.S. Lewis, Gene Edwards, Frank Peretti, Francine Rivers, Bodie & Brock Thoene, and the list could go on, but lets keep it at my top 6. Each author brings something different to my reading pleasure. Today I want to share a story of how one author ministered through the written word in a fiction book. Randy Alcorn. I have read almost everyone of his books. He has never written a fiction book that I haven't purchase right away. I have read everyone of of those. I have also read many of his non-fiction books as well.

The first book I found on a sale rack in our Christian Book store in New Jersey. It was Deadline. For the first time I got a real glimpse of what Heaven and Hell just might be like. Randy Alcorn's ministry is called Eternal Perspectives Ministry and if you read any of his books, you will begin to think as you should - eternally! Many years ago, I would say probably 10 or 11 years ago, as was my tradition, I purchased a Randy Alcorn Book to go on vacation with me to Vermont. This time it was Dominion the second in a series of three using the same core character. As many of you know my husband and I had to fight the fertility battle for many years. We tried to get pregnant and lost so many babies along the way. I had a condition, that made it very difficult to produce healthy eggs. So, until I had sought the help of a fertility specialist and had surgery on my ovaries, I was unable to hold a pregnancy longer than 3 months. In the middle of those 10 years of trying to get pregnant, was when I picked up this book. At first glance I would never had thought it would minister to me the way it did, other than getting my mind off of trying to get pregnant.

I sat pool side looking at the amazing beauty of Vermont's mountains as I read the words of a character in this book who is seeing Jesus for the first time face to face. She is noticing the hands of her Savior, marred and disfigured, hands of a Carpenter and Creator. This character had suffered a wound that scarred her on earth. A wound that came from violence that literally and emotionally scarred her. The following is the quote that brought new understand to a me, a woman who was scarred by infertility and feeling all alone.

" She wept again, dropping to his mangled feet and caressing them with her hands. He put his fingers under her chin and turned her eyes up toward his. "For you," he said to her, "I would do it all again." She could not stop weeping. She was surprised she could cry here, one of the first surprises in an eternity that would bring endless ones. If some tears would never be cried again, she thought, then tears of love and joy and fulfillment were among heaven's pleasures.

She searched the Carpenter's face as one searches a face she has yearned for, which she has seen in her dreams as long as she can remember. On the right side of his throat, she saw another scar, a mark of discoloration, not prominent, only an inch long. The scar looked remarkably like....She reached suddenly to the side of her neck to feel the scar from the broken beer bottle. She couldn't feel it. Gone. He smiled at her, rubbing his finger on his scar, which used to be hers, just as she had so often done on earth. That quickly the scar on his neck disappeared. But the scars on his hands and feet remained. She knew they always would."


For the first time, I got it! I had been saved and serving my Savior for many years, and I understood healing and I understood that He has already taken our wounds to the cross. I knew that He understood my pain. However, I didn't really believe that the Lord could bear the scar of infertility. I don't know why I didn't believe that, after all He is my Creator. But I was a woman and I didn't think even the son of God could truly understand. I know that sounds limiting and shallow of me, but it is not that I thought that out loud. I didn't really say those words, they weren't even conscious to me at that stage in my juncture. However, I totally identified at that moment, to that character, as I sat poolside weeping. Weeping and thanking Jesus for truly understanding my pain. I knew then and there that He understood the pain and anguish of infertility and the loss of so many babies, so many dreams. I felt loved all over again. I remember it clearly, as if it were yesterday, sitting there with my towel wiping the tears, and almost feeling my sweet heavenly father holding me as he revealed yet another truth to me, his daughter.


The Lord took two little paragraphs of a non-fiction book to minister to me, his daughter, and to again reveal another facet of His love to me. I love the word of God. His word is truth. I am one to always find scripture to back up what I say to people when giving counsel or advice. I don't want to go outside the Word of God, because His word is true and the Truth will set you free!

Last night I went to the emergency room for cluster headache pain. It is so severe that even my hair hurts. Someone comment on my blog yesterday that shares my same love for this author and it prompted the memory of this book and the ministry of the truth in my life at that time. It couldn't have been more timely. I am blessed to know that my Jesus understand the pain I am in right now and I will rest in His loving care until He lifts my head (pain free) from my pillow.

Thank you Randy Alcorn for blessing me as you did then, and as you continue to do, through your pen. I am thankful for God inspired men and women who write for His pleasure and ours!

Gifts continued from previous posts....(thankful for...)

116. The words penned by many of my favorite authors.

117. The truth spoken, just they way I could understand it.

118. A Heavenly Father who longs to be that real and that close!

119. Being reminded today that he knows intimately all about the pain we suffer.

120. Eternal hope that I have in someday going home and seeing my "sweet Jesus" face to face!

Submission

Ooooooh.....controversial title huh? Hmmmmmm? Actually, it hit me today while we celebrated my twins birthday (and I went out and purchased a Father's Day card for my husband) that I am very grateful for clear instruction in the Bible! Let me quote this time and not paraphrase: Ephesians 5:22-23 "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body; of which He is the Savior." I encourage you to look in your Bible at the rest through verse 27. I am not going to preach a sermon here, I am simply going to give my own example and why today I feel blessed to have a husband, equally yoked, one who desires God's best for his family, and one who is the spiritual leader in my home.

I'm not sure why it is that we as wives feel we must assist the Holy Spirit sometimes. I admit, I do play that role in this marriage on occasion and my husband is kind enough to say so very lovingly, like when we are praying and he says "...and thank you Lord that you called Lisa to play the role of the Holy Spirit in my life....::wink::wink::". I think it is because we as women are multi-taskers and we think through with such great detail all aspects of every circumstance in our lives! Hello, can I get a witness here?

The truth is, I am so glad that I have the umbrella of my husband in my life. He is here to protect me, to help me and to cover me. He knows sometimes, what is best, even when I don't see it! Fortunately, I learned that early in my marriage. I was reminded today that 4 months into my pregnancy with my twins I had a terrible experience with my obstetrician. The man had me in fear and in tears. Friends had their opinions, and possible solutions, but I was confused and emotional. I didn't want to be with this doctor, but at the same time I was terrified to find another doctor at this stage in my pregnancy. I had already lost 14 babies, had almost lost this one too and I had very high risk pregnancy! I finally decided after praying and crying that I would submit to the decision of my husband. Whatever he decided I would do. The decision was too difficult for me! After I relinquished that control to the spiritual leader in my home, I felt immediate peace! My twins are here today because of all the details the Lord played out in our lives at that time.

There was one other decision that I relinquished control of to my husband and honestly, I'm not sure that it was the absolute right decision, but I have no doubt that I was to submit to it and it still gave me much peace knowing I was under his umbrella. Everything didn't turn out exactly the way I would have planned, in fact some relationships have never been the same because of this decision, but my marriage is in tact (18 years of marriage mind you) and my husband made the decision he prayed about and fasted about and felt right about. Today, I still must say that I am thankful for that peace that comes in knowing that the Lord gave me a Godly husband in whom I can trust with my life!

As a side note here, you could ask my husband (whom I've been bugging to blog) and he would tell you that we make most every decision together, prayerfully and thoughtfully, and together! He respects me as much as I respect him and that is why this works. He respects that I hear from God too and so we talk things through almost every single time. It is in those rare and challenging times for me, that I sometimes (not all the time) just feel like my peace would come when I submit and release control to him! God directs and I follow! Same with Mike!

So in light of Father's Day coming up and my boys' birthday mingled in there too, I am grateful for the gift of a Godly husband and clear instruction in the Word of God.

1000 Gifts continued......(from previous post) I am grateful for....

51. Clear instructions in the Word of God

52. A Godly husband and my very best friend!

53. The freedom in submitting! ahhhh....

54. Seven years filled with hugs and kisses from boys I never thought I would ever hold! Thank you Jesus for the miracles named Kyle, Brendan and Shane! (getting choked up now)

55. Dr. Aldo Khoury and his amazing staff (Sharon you are still a blessing to me) ;)

56. The journey of infertility that caused me to grow so close to Jesus that I could hear the beat of the Father's heart! (I wouldn't change it for the world)

57. The testimony of God's amazing grace that He so graciously lavishes upon us!

58. That we are never left alone to flounder, that He is Emmanuel - and that never changes!!

59. That I am still His daughter (I forget that sometimes when I'm so busy being a wife and Mommy!) and He feels towards me what I feel towards my own children - even more! (tears flowing now....)

60. For my earthly Father who loved me very much and because of his unconditional love my leap to Father God was as natural as breathing! (ok totally getting wet now - I miss my Daddy)