Remember with Peace Not Pain

October is an awareness month. We have Breast Cancer Awareness and Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness going on this month. I thought about it last night as I was lying in bed. When I lost my babies, there was no awareness month, yet I and those who walked that journey with me were aware every day...of every month. I'm glad there are awareness months. I have a son on the autism spectrum, I love to help educate others during Autism awareness month. Losing a pregnancy or a child, there is so much private pain, and it is so incredibly individual. To hear my story of the loss of my babies, I wrote a piece a few years ago called There is a Time For Everything. I hope you find hope and comfort in my experience and my words.

I love how many people I know have memorialized their babies in different ways. Some people have pictures, some have paintings, some have baby blankets, many have named their unborn children.... Not that we would ever forget, but there is something that happens in our hearts when we look at whatever it is that we have as a memorial. Something so endearing that it is almost impossible to find the words. You have to trust me on this.

My memorial of the loss of my 14 babies is this jar. This is a special jar, given to me by a special lady in my life after I lost my first two babies. Sadly, it is cracked and very delicate - yet it has endured the past 20+ years. In this jar are little shells, each shell representing one of my babies that now reside in Heaven. Interestingly enough, I can look at each one and remember the first 2 that I put in this jar so vividly. I actually remember placing each one in the jar, but for sure I remember what the first two look like. This jar is so special because at the top of it is a magnifying glass, so when you look into the jar, you can see the details of each shell, the uniqueness of each one. I think to myself, each of my babies were so unique, I'm sure so different in many ways, but as I look in the jar I know that my love for every single one is the same - so deep, so sincere, so emotional.

Do I look upon this with sadness each time. No. It is not because I am presently raising 3 teenage boys right here on earth. I know this because throughout the 10 years that I lost these children to Heaven, I had to slowly fill the jar and I remember being comforted by the Holy Spirit and the Word of God.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted." Psalm 34 (indeed He was). "There is a season for every activity under the Heavens, a time to be born and a time to die..."  Ecc. 3 "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 4:11 

I know my babies were created for His Glory (Rev. 4:11). I find great comfort in knowing that one day, I have a very LARGE family, one day my children will meet me, one day when I go home they will know me and recognize the love that I have for each of them. 

My journey of infertility and loss was long, but it was a time that the Lord did an amazing work in me. Oh I remember how patient and loving He was towards me. When I cried, screamed, got angry, hurt, envious...times when I would soak my pillow with my tears...He was there to remind me of His love. He spoke words to me and comforted my soul. There really are never words anyone can every speak that can comfort you the way the Lord can. I count myself blessed and honored to have carried these little ones for as long as the Lord allowed. 

If you've read this and you know someone who has been in this place of loss...pray for them, send them a card, give them a hug. Trust me when I tell you, it doesn't matter if it is 3 days ago, 1 year or 20+, never fear that you are going to remind us...we've not forgotten. 

If you are someone who has lost a baby, a child, or a pregnancy...take time to feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit. Let Him wrap His arms around you. There is no time limit on grief...but be aware of the Love of Jesus as He hold's you in His arms. Give Him access to your heart so He can begin the healing process.  We tend to want to hold our hand over our wounds don't we? We don't want to expose them to anyone, for fear of the pain. I can tell you, if you let go of those wounds and let the Healer do His thing...He doesn't put a bandaid on it...He heals the wound completely. Don't worry, you will not forget, but you will remember with peace and not pain. I promise. ♥

My Second Chance

Yesterday was an incredible day. November isn't just the month I remember to give thanks, but yesterday is going to be a memorable beginning to our "Thanksgiving Season".

I realize that according to my blog counter my audience is minimal, approximate 80-100 hits a day when I post a blog and about 10-20 random hits throughout the weeks I don't post. OK..so I know that isn't that much, but a comment on my Facebook page in relation to the events of yesterday made me think it could possible help someone else if I described my experience. Someone had said that she wondered what might happen if a person was stung by a bee/wasp and went into anaphylactic shock or experienced anaphylactic symptoms and they didn't have an epi-pen. Well, I'm gonna share just what your experience could be like. Also, I talked with a friend on the phone last night who sadly, when she was younger watched her grandfather get stung by a bee, and die. They lived a bit away from the hospital and the ambulance didn't get there in time. This really could be very serious.

I want to preface all of this by giving glory to God. For as long as I can remember, I have had an irrational fear of bees. I even went for therapy - no kidding. You have to know, I couldn't even look at the page in my Charlie Brown Encyclopedia when I was 6 years old because there was a bee hive on the "B" page. I eventually ripped that page right out of my book. Not much has changed since then. I quit therapy after she told me I was going to have to encounter a bee eventually to get over this fear - I told her she needed therapy if she thought that would ever happen.(Well, I didn't actually speak that out loud, I just never rescheduled my appointments) I know I shouldn't have been fearful. I know perfect love casts out all fear. I know that the Lord doesn't give us a spirit of fear. OH I have heard it from so many people...just get over it. Well, today I'm not so sure it was a fear or just a little sensitivity to what my spirit man has known all these 44 years of my life. Thank you Lord! So...I never messed with bees. I never swatted them away, ok...sometimes I acted in some irrational ways (not from God I'm sure), but I did try to be brave for my kids. (I emphasize try!) OK...now...my experience:

There I was, sitting with friends at the park as our children played. Two diet sodas sitting behind us might have been the attraction to the local bees or (in my opinion based on my insentient reading up on it...I think it was a wasp). At any rate, after I felt a little tickle on my neck which I originally brushed off thinking it was just my hair, I felt it again (not hearing any buzzing) I honestly didn't think it was anything, until this burning, kind of numbing sensation was going up the side of my neck and down my shoulder. I got up and said, I think something bit me. I saw an ant on the ground and stepped on it and thought well, maybe it was that ant. Then as the pain was getting worse, I walked over to the side of the table and spotted a large yellow (bee/wasp) circling the diet coke. I don't think it registered until my friend said, "Wow, you have this rash going all the way up your neck and it looks like it is spreading." The pain was spreading to my ear and my head and I was having difficulty swallowing.

This all happened so fast. I fell to my knees, and tried to drink water. I could only get a tiny bit down and the rest started to pour out of my mouth. I was embarrassed. All my friends were surrounding me and I was dribbling water from my mouth. Nice Lisa! I started not being able to breathe and this is when I started to panic. By the way, you shouldn't panic it only makes things worse. If any of my readers figure out how to do this while your throat and lungs are expanding and you are not able to breath...please post a comment and let me know. :)

Here is where I'm so thankful that I have friends who do not listen to me. It's a theme in my life..but yesterday it came in handy. I was given benedryl three times..I thought to myself, OK, as soon as this benedryl kicks in you will be fine. Because I'm allergic to mosquitoes I know that benedryl works. My allergy to mosquitoes is usually just swelling in the sight, but at times when I've been bitten several times, I might have a little bit of a hard time swallowing. Very mild and benedryl does the trick. When my friends were insisting that we call 911 I was adamantly against it. I didn't want to make a fuss. Seriously, was sure I would be able to breathe at some point once that "fast acting melt in your mouth" benedryl kicked in.

Now, I'm sure I was a sight. Inside, I was terrified. I couldn't breath, I couldn't swallow and my boys where probably watching at this point. My 10 year old is already going through this phase of "Mom you're not going to die right?" All of this is going through my mind. My one friend was an ER Nurse and her daughter just happened to have gone through this a few weeks ago. She recognized the symptoms. Against my wishes, another friend called 911. I told them all..."JUST PRAY FIRST"! They did, but apparently while I was trying to grasp for air and she was praying over me...she signaled to my other friend to CALL 911. (SO THANKFUL I WAS NOT ALONE!)

Besides this rash/hive that was spreading up my neck and down my chest, I was struggling to take a breath, I felt like I was going to vomit and I surely felt like I was going to pass out. They convinced me that it was necessary for the ambulance to come, so I let them walk me back to the picnic tables. I remember going in and out like I was falling asleep or something. I couldn't keep my head up. That is when my nurse friend brought out her epi-pen. So much was going through my mind. Remember, I've never been stung before so I didn't realize what was going on in my body. My chest felt so tight, like an elephant was sitting on it, at one point I thought I might be having a heart attack. (I've never had one of those either). whew! :) So when she came at me with that epi-pen I freaked out. She said the only symptom would be rapid heart beat. NO WAY. I was NOT going to let my heart beat any faster...I was sure I was going to die. She was not happy with me and I know she secretly hoped I was going to just pass out already. (she told me so)...so she could have her chance to try and save my life the best way she knew how.

The paramedics arrived and gave me some sort of breathing treatment and oxygen and proceeded to put me in the ambulance. My blood pressure was 210/128 and my oxygen levels were way low. It was clearly an emergency. The paramedic said that he had heard that I would prefer not going to the hospital, he said he had no choice that this was more serious and I needed to go. While he was trying to put IVs in me...he was having a hard time finding a vein. He looks at me...face to face...as he was sitting on my legs and says this..."today is a day of second chances...you're friends were right to call...you could have very well died!"

Well, I didn't. In fact within the two hours of medication taking affect, I was able to breathe freely. My blood pressure went down to 115/77 (normal for me) and my Oxygen was 96. So all was good! My chest, even this morning hurts a bit, like a bruised feeling. I have my epi-pens (which by the way...are VERY EXPENSIVE! Ouch! But VERY NECESSARY. I'm going to trust God with the finances as I don't have insurance. But trusting God is easy after all the stones we have piled up over the years...it is easy to see just how many second chances God truly gives His children!

Wanted to end this long post with a picture that my friend sent to me. After they whisked me away she snapped a picture of the 35 or so children just gathering all over the pavilion in the park to pray for me out loud - all on their own - without adult prompting or supervision. My children told me all about it. Prayers of faith rising up from children's hearts. I know that made the Lord so proud. Every single one of those Moms and Dads I'm sure are also proud that their children are doers of the Word! To quote my son Shane's post of Facebook..."This was one of the most scary days of my life and the happiest days of my life. Scared that my Mom might die and happy because God healed her! I love that God does that!" Building a generation of prayer warriors and men/women of faith! Thank you Lord for starting this season of Thanksgiving with a reminder that you are a God of second chances!

Soul Ministry

Raw. Probably the best word to describe how I've been feeling lately. It hurts. It burns. I'm going through my own very private (for now), very painful journey. One that I'm confident will end up producing something beautiful. Isn't that how it usually is? I'm sure willing to go through the fire in order to come out refined.

He has worked so hard...against all odds..against all naysayers...he did it! It was very difficult towards the end. We lived a 5 loaf 2 fish miracle for almost 2 years. Now he has a job, a good job...but it is just the beginning. Time to make up for the last few months of famine.

I am able to see God's hand so easily when it comes to His provision. This time he is struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The horizon just over the mountain. The land beyond the boulder. It is January. We were very intentional during this season (so proud of my family). He sees everything as falling apart...all at once....

Have you been there?

Obstacles, mountains, crisis after crisis, things literally and figuratively falling apart right before your eyes. I can see where if you don't  keep your focus..you can look at these "light and momentary troubles" and think they are never going to get any better.

Friends. We can't choose which scripture to believe or not to believe. I BELIEVE IT ALL! It is all for me. MY God longs to BLESS me. I'm the head not the tail. My Father own the cattle on a thousand hills. He has stored up for us...He WILL provide. I look back at His FAITHFULNESS. HE IS the same, yesterday...today...FOREVER.

I laid my hand on his head before the sun was even up this morning. (like he has done for me in the past). I called out to our Daddy...Oh Abba...remind him who he is...and the plans you have for him...the plans that are good, full of hope and a future. "Thank you" he says.."for caring for my soul." (We need each other.)

His Word is ALIVE and ACTIVE! It is! It doesn't matter that I feel raw...or hurt...or that he cannot see beyond the boulder..or that you think this will never end...it doesn't change the fact that HE IS!

This might remind you. I have a friend. She lives states away...yet the Holy Spirit uses her as an instrument to minister to my soul...PRECISELY...when it is needed. I mean...ALWAYS EXACT!  Never fails, whether it has been a timely card, a plaque, CD or a song link...the timing and message is PERFECT.

Friends...ONLY God can do that! He is intimately involved in your life, in my life, in his life. Whether you believe it or not...doesn't change the fact that it is true! He longs to bless you. So just wait a second.....

You have to do it like I did. Push play...and then close your eyes. If you are brave...raise your hands just a little to receive what the Holy Spirit has for you. I pray this ministers truth to your soul...as it has mine.

My Life Theme

"Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my HOPE is in you all day long." Ps. 25:5

Every year I love to read through the Bible chronologically, and January always begins with Genesis and then short jaunt over to Job. I love Job. God loves Job. He's real, authentic, and confused at why all of this tragedy has occurred in his life, yet he remains steadfast in his faith!  He has a Hope!

I am confident in my Hope..the person of Jesus Christ. I believe Him, His Word (Romans 15:3-5 "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have...HOPE") and His faithfulness. When we've had nothing He has provided. When there was no way, He made a way. We are indeed at this place again...where my faith must be strong. I have Hope! People at times wonder how it is we have such hope as they peek into our little world...

1 Peter 3:15 “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the HOPE that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,”

It is He who we have Hope in. I am not sure how we are going to make it for the remainder of this semester as my husband finishes school. I will do what I can, I have a small job and will be teaching guitar...Yet we will praise Him!

Psalm 71:14 “As for me, I will always have HOPE I will praise you more and more.”

Isaiah 40:31 “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a future."

Since God provided the way and means for my husband to complete his degree, so many strange things have happened. Regarding my family in particular. My son, praise God is doing so much better, however there were unexpected expenses that went along with his healing. I must include myself...in the past 3 months medical bills have mounted like crazy...one odd thing after another until finally our home had an obstacle of its own. All the while we have trusted in the Lord to make a way and He is faithful!  Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the Hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."

Romans 8:24 “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?” Romans 12:11-13 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”


I lay it all down, every day, I remind Him of His Word...I think He smiles when I do that! I'm so in love with Him. I am grateful for His blessings that come in so many ways, including opportunities to give and bless others! We can never out give God!! I can honestly say, that there is no room for fear. I have something to look forward to, the Almighty God of the universe loves us, loves you. "We wait in HOPE for the Lord: He is our help and our shield." Psalm 33:20

Psalm 39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My HOPE is in You!"


No surprise that my theme this year for Bagels & Blessings would be...HOPE! It is my Life, He is my Life! I know I'm not alone, there are those who suffer financially, physically, emotionally, mentally....those of you who need Hope.
Psalm 33:22 "May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our HOPE in you."

For you and for me...I pray Ephesians 1:18 "..that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people,"

Harvesting Happiness

When you cannot leave your house together as family for more than 3 hours at a time, you forget what it is like to be spontaneous. Caring for our Pop required many sacrifices, one being that we were unable to leave him for more than a few hours a week, and if we left him, we had to arrange care for him. So much work for a few hours of alone time. There is a blog forthcoming regarding our decision to place Pop in a facility that is able to care for him better than we could, but for now, it has been difficult to write. It is coming however.

So I find myself trying to literally harvest some of these happy times because my superheros are so much in need of some quality family time (and so are their parents). The challenge of course is doing this all on a very restricted budget, but as you can see we manage just fine!

Last Friday, we took a field trip to a zoo (also a blog upcoming this week). It was in lieu of science class so we considered it a field trip. After our fantastic day together, we decided to spend the rest of the daylight over in Downtown Disney. Since we had the ability to do this (nothing keeping us from staring at our watches and a backpack full of sandwiches...we just spur-of-the-moment decided to go)! The best part was that we called Mr. Incredible to join us...and that was just the icing on the cake! Oh how we all love just being together outside of our home!! Mike joined us (he too is just getting use to this spontaneous mindset) after he finished his clinicals, and when we spotted him in the parking lot, it was as if we hadn't seen each other in years (even though we had just seen him 9 hours earlier). So cute, it almost made me get choked up, all the boys and myself just ran up to him and embraced him.

Yes, still in his scrubs, but that is a constant reminder of the amazing story of how God blessed our family by providing a way for him to go to school this year! (another blog...I have some serious catching up to do!)

Here we are with one of the living statues! So fun!

This picture makes me happy. My son Brendan has had the most difficult time this year. Because of his caregiver personality and his sensitive heart, he took on so much during the past few years of caring for Pop. We had no idea just how much his little heart was carrying. Being so close to Pop's room, Brendan could not sleep well at all, always awake and waiting for Pop to get up and call for Mike (Pop would get up all hours of the night and come wake us up on a regular basis--he even woke up the boys on occasion). Brendan was fearful that Pop would burn the house down, or have to call for Mike and Mike not hear him, so his sleep was fretful. Then right before we chose to place Pop in a home, my husband's Mom passed away from a 9 year battle with cancer and we had to say our "goodbyes"--so much for a little boy to handle. Needless to say, he has developed some coping mechanisms that have debilitated him in his everyday life. As of a few weeks ago, Brendan was diagnosed with Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He has struggled so much..just crying about his fears and anxieties..wanting this to be over.

So this is why this picture makes me happy. Throughout the evening at Downtown Disney, Brendan couldn't help but tell me, "Mom, I think I'm doing so much better! Mom, I think that God is really healing me! I'm so happy Mom!!!" He had so much fun. Three months ago we came to Downtown Disney and he had such a hard time being there! So here we are harvesting happiness.

Shane has struggled with everything that has gone on too, but he exhibits in different ways. Not so much debilitating like Brendan but you could tell once we placed Pop in a home everyone seemed to be shell shocked, as if we were living with post traumatic stress or something. Shane springs back quickly and here he is being the entertainer that he thrives on being. You know, he wants to be a missionary that sings!

Speaking of singing--our friend Dominic Gaudious he plays at Downtown Disney five days a week and since we frequent so often he actually remembered us. My boys love his music. No singing, just instrumental, but so much fun...the bamboo didgeridoo is loads of fun! We had a blast just dancing to the music, laughing and walking around all night long.

Then there is Kyle (very red lips from his Italian Ice), I think somewhat protected by his specialness, he too has struggled, but we can always see the hand of God in this boy. Don't they just make you smile? My superheros...overcomers in every way! Throughout all that we've been through the Lord was faithful to give us joy in the midst of our circumstances. Now that our circumstances have changed, we are having a wonderful time harvesting happy moments to cherish and meaningful memories! More to come!