Private Pain

I cannot believe it has been 3 years since I wrote the light hearted What Do You Call An Old Chicken. This was the absolute beginning of my journey. My journey to....

I'm presently still camped in the long stretch of Peri-Menopause. That is a real thing. Google it. I'm updating for two reasons; one, because it helps me to do some research and to write when I'm experiencing something and two, because I believe I have a voice (albeit a small one) and if I can help anyone else who is suffering from this...it makes everything worth it.

Suffering. I don't want to be heavy, but this is actually more serious than you may think. Well it has been for me.  Three years ago when I was first diagnosed with classic symptomatic perimenopause, I had only a handful of symptoms. 

Let's say I presently have 8-9 from the left column and all 7 from the right plus a few others like (irregular heartbeat, and a sense of being overwhelmingly overwhelmed.)

These are so fun. You feel like you are on fire on the inside of your body and then it just oozes out of your pores. Best when it happens in the middle of the night and you wake up with the fan blowing your soaking wet self, sheets and pillows. 

For me the physical symptoms are not as bad as the emotional ones. To sum it up, I have cried/sobbed hard close to 3-4 times a week since September. I've run away 3 times (not getting very far), I have felt like my life was falling apart at the seams. I have kept this all inside for the most part. I have a couple friends who really know what I'm going through (and they have either gone through it or are experiencing some similar symptoms). I've confided in my husband...although it wouldn't surprise me if he recognized my symptoms before me.

Is this the same lady that wakes up in the morning, spends her time with the Lord, journals her prayers and believes God with supernatural faith? YES! One in the same. 

So that I'm not depressing you, I should put out there that I have serious thyroid issues too. When I was giving birth to my twins I lost over half of my body's blood, putting me into a coma for 4 days. I had 8 blood transfusions to help save my life. With those transfusions I inherited an antibody that ate my thyroid. I've been on medication since. Sadly, my numbers are so crazy out of whack..I'm sure this is just exacerbating the perimenopausal issue, so perhaps your journey will not look as bleak as mine.

Just look at how long that blue box is. We have to get through all of this first.

Ladies and gentlemen (if any read this) we need to be aware that when we are feeling this way (or when your wives are feeling this way) it is fertile ground for the enemy to attack. 

My husband told me that that's just what the enemy wants. He wants me to be alone like a wounded gazelle so he can devour me. I have totally felt alone and wounded...totally (but the toothless lion has yet to devour me - I'm thinking He despises the taste of the blood of Jesus - praise God!)

The truth is this is very private pain. I think its so private because we feel like we're going crazy and we don't want anyone to know it. SO if and when we can, (and that's a big if/when) we put on our happy face, suck it up and muddle through until we can get alone and cry again. I know it sound pathetic, believe me it feels pathetic, but it is really very real. 

SO now what? Well for me, I have options. I can go the medication route...and I have tried some of that. We can eat right, exercise and continue to stay on our face in prayer. I think it is important to remember some key things when we're in the middle of this. OK here is the part that I call therapy, the reason I'm writing this is first for myself remember. I don't have this mastered, I just got back from running away for 4 hours to the river first and then to a friend's house (today) where she promptly, prayed with me, then called an endocrinologist and an OBGYN.  SO I'm writing this for myself, and if you happen to be reading and need to be encouraged...it's for you too.

Encouragement #1 - although as you can see from the graph above, this process can take YEARS, but it will eventually end. My closest friends tell me - it is actually quiet wonderful when it does.

#2 - Because we are children of God, we can take comfort in the knowledge that it is who we are the inside that matters to Him. (Prov. 31:30) We shouldn't fear the aging process. 

#3 - We have the assurance that God's grace is sufficient to get us through whatever life throws at us. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2nd Corinthians 12:9

#4 - God will never leave us or forsake us! (Heb. 13:5)

#5 - Let's remember when we are feeling like we are unravelling - we need more than ever to take all of those anxieties to the Lord in prayer, seeking His wisdom and strength in order to overcome. (1 Peter 5:7)

#6 - If we're married, we should confide in our husband and communicate as best we can why we might be behaving erratically or why we suddenly cannot cope anymore. Listen, after 25 years of marriage as much as I don't like to accept the reality of it, husband's are NOT mind readers. God has the perfect design for marriage - and so if you are married, review that design in Eph. 5:25 and adhere as closely as possible to that.

#7 - If peace of mind is what you're after (and trust me we are) Philippians 4:6-7 says it best "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

#8 - Approach the throne with confidence and as often as needed! (Heb. 4:16)

#9 - Make Him your dwelling place, your refuge and He will command His angels concerning you... (Psalm 91:9-11) Running away to the river can help sometimes and/or to a friends house (I did both of these today), but be sure that your friend runs to the cross with you...because that is where I always find peace. 

Do we have to suffer in private pain? NO Do I sometimes still? YES However, I'm encouraged just by writing these scriptures down, because His Word is alive and active in me and it is TRUTH!! And we all know the truth sets us FREE!  Write down those scriptures ladies! And remember to bear with those who may be suffering in private pain - pray for them, don't be too hard on them, it will pass.

♥

Know Your Place

No pictures today. I'm going to draw them with my words...I promise.

So far, I've been awake for over 33 hours. I'm not joking. My body is adjusting to a new "help-you-get-through-menopause" medication. It is suppose to help with my emotional/mental/get-up-and-go symptoms. Well, it has been...interesting.

Went to the doctor...thinking...I don't want to take anything..I just want to talk about my symptoms and have you make me feel better. Like...by saying I'm normal. She said I was completely normal...and welcome to perimenopause.

She said I was textbook. I don't have to suffer these things (and make everyone suffer around me either) because "this stage could last up to 10 years". I started to well up (because that's what I do now...all the time), and I said "I don't want to be medicated." She said the magic words..."Don't think of it as being medicated..think of is as leveling your hormones out." OK. She gave me options. I evaluated those options. I like somethings of both...so I walked out with...both. More on that later.

This menopause phase of life can be...such a private...personal...and painful battle. Unless you've been through it...it sounds...pathetic. So..I'm choosing this forum to be a little open. It's not been pretty.  I've cried...for hours..I've been irritated easily, I've had no motivation at all and I've not been able to recover from things very well..emotionally. (that isn't even mentioning the physical symptoms).

Needless to say, I started taking the medication that is supposed to give me energy, some motivation (because I was SERIOUS lacking that!). This is how it has gone thus far.

Tuesday morning...2 hours after taking it...I fell deadly tired. I mean...like crawl into bed and nap for 4 hours...suddenly. (That was strange!) Well, we can't be doing THAT every day. Wednesday...I decide sleeping is for night time..I will take it at night. I slept pretty good. NICE. Thursday night..why rock the boat..do the same thing you did last night. I did. I've been awake and energetic ever since. YES...34 hours later..and I'm blogging. From 1:00 - 4:00 I was thinking..I wonder if they need me to rake the local parks around town..because I feel like I could do just that. Then I might run a marathon...oh whatever...triathlon! I am a little tired now..and I WILL NOT be taking anything.

So..that has been my trip so far. What is the purpose of this post...."Know Your Place"?

My husband is so dear. He takes this meat out of the freezer and I'm sure was scoping pinterest and has been salivating about red meat. Men do that with red meat. There it was, a beautiful eye round roast. I get home from co-op (remember I've not slept in well over 24 hours by this point in my day)..and I have these instructions printed for me.  That was nice of him right? Why is he wanting me to do this? I've never in my life cooked pot roast. I followed the directions carefully...and it never reached the temperature it was supposed to reach. I stuck that thing with 3 thermometers...just in case they weren't working right. Blood just came out of the holes I was making. I'm a baker...we follow the directions...always! I made a few phone calls, shed a few tears. I tried a few things...my friends...one walked me off the kitchen cliff and another friend came over and took my boys to dinner...I sat and ate the salad that I made.

I could end the story there...but it wouldn't be my transparent self that everyone enjoys so much. Children are gone...husband is sleeping...I killed the roast...so...I threw that piece of meat in a bag, got in my bed with the large bowl of salad, a diet cream soda (in a nice fancy glass) and a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!  If that doesn't scream menopause...I don't know what does!  Don't judge me! I'm working on no sleep for the past 34 hours...and attempting to make a dinner that my husband won't even be able to eat with us. I know my place...it is NOT in the kitchen....unless I'm baking. So I ask...why can't they eat cookies for dinner?

Joy To The World

Honoring our Pop...missing him this Christmas!

I'm about to open the blinds into my soul once again. The email response and discussions I received from my writing about pre-menopause reminds me that I am not alone. However, my personal encounters with people this week made me realize that great need for joy certainly transcends the affects of menopause.

In light of what has recently happened in our world, the tragedy of Newtown CT, the lack of words are only shadowed by the shed of tears of grief. Yet we sing the song, Joy to the World. Remember, joy is possible...because the Lord has come. (OH He is coming again...and for that the Spirit and the Bride...say COME!)

The most recent affects of my body going through a change that occurs around my age has been somewhat physical, but mostly emotional/mental. I am watching my symptoms very closely, keenly aware..yet somehow unable to stop them.

Yesterday we took this pie to a dear sweet woman. She struggles with her health and thus with her emotions. I understand, to a degree. She told me her friends are afraid that she is depressed...she won't admit that...she is "just sad" she says.

Needless to say the special delivery and our extended visit certainly brought cheer to her heart. We left her laughing and promising to see her at the end of the week. She was at a point just a week ago...just wanting to "Go Home"..not wanting people to fuss over her, not wanting to see anyone, go anywhere, do anything. But the Lord has come.

We spoke of my latest symptoms (with the hope that she would share what is going on in her psyche). The feeling of not being able to recover...both physically (like when I was sick with the flu) and emotionally. While months ago something could happen and I would let it roll, and move on. Now when something happens, I'm disappointed or disapproving I can't seem to let it go as easily. My recovery time...is so much greater. That is SO frustrating - after all, I live in a world of pre-pubescent boys and a husband who sleeps during the day and works when I'm sleeping...there is lots of room for disappointment.

The other symptom I'm noticing besides the occasional hot flash is feeling paralzyed. I can't seem to accomplish the things I use to accomplish. Kind of like attention deficit I guess. I will start out in my mind thinking I'm going to accomplish this list of things...and be very fortunate to get one or two things done. Again...not me at all!

Then there is the weepy thing. UGH! Enough is enough. I weep when I'm happy, sad or sometimes over absolutely nothing at all.

Then just today, this morning a woman called me, someone who read my previous blog and on her way to work, she needed someone to pray with her. She too is experiencing similar symptoms. She just wants to hide, withdraw, she feels like she can't recover from her emotions.

I am aware that our Creator, the one that formed us in our mother's womb, did not make a mistake. I am certain that when we are feeling this way, whether it is from menopause, depression or anxiety...if we spend time with our Maker...he will help us stay centered. Remind us that we are created in His image....He did not make a mistake. Sometimes this world marks us, harms us, dents us...but our Creator...he knows how to fix us, heal us, polish us. 

So, I centered myself once again on scripture. The one thing that is an anchor, dependable and true.
1 John 17:13 "But now I am coming to you, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves." 

Joy you see is a fruit of the Spirit. Not something we work for...it is just there for us, accessible, no matter what is going on in our world, lives or others' lives. It is because He has come...the glory of His righteousness and the wonders of His Love. I think the more I center on that...the more joy I begin to feel. So...Joy To The World...and yes...The Spirit and The Bride say...COME LORD JESUS!

Mother Teresa said it best...

"The coming of Jesus at Bethlehem brought us joy to the world and to every human heart. May His coming this Christmas bring to each one of us that peace and joy that He desires to give!"

He Is Just Misunderstood

My precious boy..and the bird we rescued!

My emotions have been all over the place today. I know it is probably pre-menopause for the most part, but I have laughed hard today and even cried a little. I felt blah then amazing. I felt like a failure and then a winner. Crazy what one day can bring.

Kyle and his snickerdoodles!

My friend Allison has planned our Homeschool Christmas party for tomorrow..and one of the things she encouraged us to do is bake cookies together with our children (thank you for that Allison). I love to bake!! I love to bake with my boys. However, my sweet and precious Kyle has never shown an interest in baking. He would rather draw, play legos, make paper airplanes....700 of them. He is such a sweet and wonderful boy...it is over him that I wept today. Tonight as he mixed his ingredients..he was very awkward. I noticed, he didn't stand right...this is not his thing. I gave him the scoop to scoop out the dough and for the life of him he couldn't figure out how to squeeze it so the dough would drop off. I demonstrated it about 5 times...I watched him struggle...I got all choked up.  I told him, how much I loved baking with him tonight. I held his hands in mine and squeezed the scoop..and out plopped the ball of dough. He was so excited...like the first time he learned to use the water fountain. Everything to Kyle is....amazing!

Always so genuinely thankful - he loves nutcrackers!

Coming home from the park one day, Kyle's twin brother says to me..."Mom, I think that Kyle is just misunderstood by people. They don't understand his ways." OH that weighed heavy on my heart.

Toilet paper contest at Grapple!

 When he was very young, before he had words (he didn't speak on his own until he was 3 years old), when he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) PDD-NOS I wanted to wear a shirt that said...please don't mind him...he's on the spectrum.

What he does with his legos...He made Cruella DeVille and some dalmatians.

 I tossed and turned about how to explain him, if I should bother explaining him. How do I explain him? Well, he is precious beyond words. He is honest and good. He has an innocent heart, one that cares deeply for all things. He loves animals and art and adores nutcrackers. He genuinely cares about people. He loves God...and really really knows Jesus. He prays like nobody's business. He sees what nobody else notices! He cares about the details!

"Oh how embarrassing" His love/hate relationship with the Paparazzi!

He use to stand on his head in new situations. No, I'm serious, that is not a figure of speech. When Kyle was uncomfortable, for many years he wore a batman mask. Yes, even to sing in the children's choir. He did grow out of that and moved on to carrying a magna doodle with him...so he can draw...when he was uncomfortable. A few years back..the boy would stand on his head..it is quite impressive. He was warming up to different situations and people by showing his talent. Now he carries a composition notebook..it helps to keep him centered.

I just had to show the detail!

 He can be very "silly", seem immature, say things just a little differently. It is his way of making his world seem...safe..when he feels out of his comfort zone. He is funny and his is very polite. Many people, many children have said unkind things to him. I think Brendan is right...he is just misunderstood.

I love this boy, his heart, his face...every single thing about him!

So..tonight as I stood by him at the table, we talked. I told him how much I loved him. How special it was for me to have him join me in something I absolutely love to do. I told him that he has enriched my world so much. He looked at me...right in my eyes (he didn't do that when he was 3 years old)..with that gorgeous smile and said "Mom, I want to be wherever you are...always. You know, you are beautiful Mom...and I love you!" I hugged him...he in his green apron, me in mine! You know what I don't care if you don't understand my Kyle. I don't care if he annoys you with his "oddness". This boy shows me Jesus...every single day! I sit here right now..with tears..running down my face..because I'm the one that is blessed. He belongs to me. Yes, he has challenges. He doesn't know everything a boy his age should know. I don't care. He knows how to love...how to treat people with respect...how to touch your heart. He's mine...misunderstood or not...his brothers, his Dad and I understand.

Thank you Lord for giving Kyle to us. May we do right by you Jesus in the way we continue to raise this boy. May you fashion him and perfect him to do whatever it is you have planned for him. May he continue to have your heart Lord...and shine Jesus wherever he goes!

I Love Uncle Eric!

I know why I love Sonlight...this is one reason why! The books...the books are incredibly amazing! (I've been using Sonlight for the past 6 years...and don't ever see us changing!) We don't always get through every single read aloud (although I really really want to...and I own them all and plan too...someday). However, I rarely miss reading a history book.

Pictured above is Breaking Stalin's Nose (Brendan's reader this week) and Whatever Happened to Penny Candy...the history book I am reading to him this week. Brendan is studying The Eastern Hemisphere...where he has the opportunity to explore ancient and complex societies where the majority of the world's unevangelized peoples live. It has been so wonderful, so enriching for he and I both! While he is studying Russia he is learning about communism, this book Whatever Happened to Penny Candy by Richard J. Maybury...is showing the contrast by talking about capitalism, inflation, wages, money....the history of our economic system. This book is part of The Uncle Eric series of books written by Richard J. Maybury. Using the epistolary style of writing (using letters to tell a story), Mr. Maybury plays the part of an economist writing a series of letters to his niece or nephew. With stories and examples, he gives interesting and clear explanations of topics that are generally thought to be too difficult for anyone but experts. I will say again..BRAVO to Maybury for writing and to Sonlight for choosing this book!

I myself majored in Business Education in college then went on to pursue my Master's Degree by taking courses toward my MBA. I became a high school teacher and taught business economics, entrepreneurship and the like...this book....is by far one of the best I have ever read on economics.

We are reading this book and feeling like...we need to write our own letters to our government officials. Someone needs to shout out loud...that TANSTAAFL (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch)!! Really America...we need to wake up! I'm so excited because my children have been so involved in this past election, understanding what both sides were talking about, hearing both candidates make promises.

"TANSTAAFL, but few voters will face the fact that the real meaning of the cry, "I want! I want!" is "Tax me! Tax me!" In an election, it is important to be aware of The Lie. The Lie is, I will give you what you want, and you will never need to pay for it; I will force someone else to pay for it. The candidate who can tell The Lie most convincingly is the one who wins the election. In other words, at bottom, inflation is an ethics problem. The only way to stop the spread of inflation is to start the spread of ETHICS!..."

What a great quote from the book! Now, this coupled with the book I'm reading to my other two boys for their Early American History...is this...

The author Peter Marshall spoke at my church in New Jersey, years ago..and my husband and I remember thinking...WOW - this is how we want to teach history! I had forgotten all about this book...until this year. Another one of my favorite history books of all time! Indeed....we are one nation under God...we need to go back to that!

I have come to the conclusion that when I am through my perimenopausal crazy stage in life (because I'm just hanging on right now and couldn't add one more thing to my plate)...perhaps I'll run for mayor! Me and Uncle Eric. OH...Brendan has already agreed to be by my side! Here we are trying to raise boys who will be God fearing men, citizens, fathers, teachers and leaders in our world...should the Lord tarry of course. On the other side of my head and heart I read this morning from Revelation "The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price." Rev. 22:17. - I would prefer the latter...come Lord Jesus...Come!


It's a great day when all of our schooling meets up with all of what is going on in the world and all the light bulbs go on at the same time! 

What Do You Call An Old Chicken?

Well, if the word isn't out yet, it's going to be....I'm not a young chick anymore. Nope! I am in my mid-40s and I'd like to say it feels GREAT! However, as hard as I'm working on feeling great, exercising, getting fit...I can tell you...there is this force...and its working against me. I'm afraid its called Menopause.

OK...I'm not quite here yet:

However, I am on my way. Some call it....perimenopause. Great the red squiggly line for spell check underlines the word. I wish that if Webster didn't recognize it, we wouldn't have to either, but we do.

For 10 years I struggled with infertility. Why? Because I had two horrible hormonal issues called Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome and endometriosis. I eventually had my babies, and became...."normal" or "regular" as we like to call it. I still have no thyroid as antibodies have been feasting on that since I received 8 blood transfusions when I lost over half my body's blood giving birth to my twins.  Lots of "forces" are working against my goals. As I rested today because I'm feeling...not so GREAT...I came to realize a few things and thought I would record them.

I really prayed today because I have two boys who are entering adolescence...and we been spotting some pre-puberty symptoms:  like crying for no reason, aches and pains in body, feelings getting hurt very easily, worrisome, sad or depressed feeling..blah!

My husband has been praying too. He knows that I've been experiencing symptoms like, crying for no reason, feeling sad or blah, forgetfulness, weird aches and pains, and with his vast knowledge now he knows them to be pre-menopausal.

Pray for my husband if you get a chance. If pre-puberty and pre-menopausal must live in harmony...it is going to take Divine Intervention.

 Ok...I am not a classic menopausal person. I'm not really moody or crazy, however I have noticed a few symptoms creeping into my life. In case you are wondering what the symptoms of perimenopause are or if you are not certain what that even is...let me share what I've learned.

Perimenopause, or menopause transition, is the stage of a woman's reproductive life that begins several years before menopause, when the ovaries gradually begin to produce less estrogen. It usually starts in a woman's 40s, but can start in a woman's 30s or even earlier. Perimenopause lasts up until menopause, the point when the ovaries stop releasing eggs (hence the chickens at the top). In the last one to two years of perimenopause, this decline in estrogen accelerates. At this stage, many women experience menopausal symptoms.

Some perimenopause symptoms are: hot flashes, breast tenderness, worsening PMS, decreased libido, fatigue, irregular periods, weight gain, vaginal dryness, urine leakage, urinary urgency, mood swings and difficulty sleeping. Seriously, don't you just feel sorry for women right now. At least by writing this down, I've found some joy...I'm not experiencing even half of these symptoms...but I've got some.

So here it is ladies (I'm sure any male readers dropped out way up at the top), its time to pull out the truth! I'm not in a race to get to my goals...I just want to get there at some time. The scale has been teasing me with its ups and downs. My body has been acting like it is old or tired or pregnant. (I'm not...I checked...I'm not kidding!)

I have to make a decision NOW before it gets really bad interesting. So, I've talked it over with the Lord..and here's our plan.

Regardless of what emotions are whirling around inside, by God's grace, I can choose to fix my mind on Him and, trust and obey. When I do this, I know that I will indeed experience His peace.

I will rely on His Word and promises: "I am with you always" (Matthew 28:20), "My God will meet all your needs" (Phil 4:19), "Though the mountains be shaken and hills removed, yet His unfailing love will not be" (Isaiah 54:10) "Give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thess. 5:18). So many more that directly relate to those emotions (some I've already shared with my pre-pubescent boys).

Finally instead of dreading what is to come, I'm going to choose to understand that this is the way God made me. "You created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days (YES ALL OF THEM) ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139.

So I'm not going to fight this. I'm going to keep going, keep trying to get fit and not be in a race about it. I'm not in my 20s or 30s anymore. I'm not a young "chick"! I'm hoping to keep a sense of humor and surround myself with other women that can keep me laughing! And when the time comes and I take up residence on Menopause Lane and I begin to experience more symptoms (which by the way, I'm already praying will pass  me by...why not...God can do all things)...I'm going to try to take each one with a good attitude. It's all about perspective right?

Anyway, we'll see when the time comes. Remember to pray for my family during all of this pre-stuff happening...especially for Mr. Incredible. I mean he is incredible...but we all have our limitations!