Private Pain

I cannot believe it has been 3 years since I wrote the light hearted What Do You Call An Old Chicken. This was the absolute beginning of my journey. My journey to....

I'm presently still camped in the long stretch of Peri-Menopause. That is a real thing. Google it. I'm updating for two reasons; one, because it helps me to do some research and to write when I'm experiencing something and two, because I believe I have a voice (albeit a small one) and if I can help anyone else who is suffering from this...it makes everything worth it.

Suffering. I don't want to be heavy, but this is actually more serious than you may think. Well it has been for me.  Three years ago when I was first diagnosed with classic symptomatic perimenopause, I had only a handful of symptoms. 

Let's say I presently have 8-9 from the left column and all 7 from the right plus a few others like (irregular heartbeat, and a sense of being overwhelmingly overwhelmed.)

These are so fun. You feel like you are on fire on the inside of your body and then it just oozes out of your pores. Best when it happens in the middle of the night and you wake up with the fan blowing your soaking wet self, sheets and pillows. 

For me the physical symptoms are not as bad as the emotional ones. To sum it up, I have cried/sobbed hard close to 3-4 times a week since September. I've run away 3 times (not getting very far), I have felt like my life was falling apart at the seams. I have kept this all inside for the most part. I have a couple friends who really know what I'm going through (and they have either gone through it or are experiencing some similar symptoms). I've confided in my husband...although it wouldn't surprise me if he recognized my symptoms before me.

Is this the same lady that wakes up in the morning, spends her time with the Lord, journals her prayers and believes God with supernatural faith? YES! One in the same. 

So that I'm not depressing you, I should put out there that I have serious thyroid issues too. When I was giving birth to my twins I lost over half of my body's blood, putting me into a coma for 4 days. I had 8 blood transfusions to help save my life. With those transfusions I inherited an antibody that ate my thyroid. I've been on medication since. Sadly, my numbers are so crazy out of whack..I'm sure this is just exacerbating the perimenopausal issue, so perhaps your journey will not look as bleak as mine.

Just look at how long that blue box is. We have to get through all of this first.

Ladies and gentlemen (if any read this) we need to be aware that when we are feeling this way (or when your wives are feeling this way) it is fertile ground for the enemy to attack. 

My husband told me that that's just what the enemy wants. He wants me to be alone like a wounded gazelle so he can devour me. I have totally felt alone and wounded...totally (but the toothless lion has yet to devour me - I'm thinking He despises the taste of the blood of Jesus - praise God!)

The truth is this is very private pain. I think its so private because we feel like we're going crazy and we don't want anyone to know it. SO if and when we can, (and that's a big if/when) we put on our happy face, suck it up and muddle through until we can get alone and cry again. I know it sound pathetic, believe me it feels pathetic, but it is really very real. 

SO now what? Well for me, I have options. I can go the medication route...and I have tried some of that. We can eat right, exercise and continue to stay on our face in prayer. I think it is important to remember some key things when we're in the middle of this. OK here is the part that I call therapy, the reason I'm writing this is first for myself remember. I don't have this mastered, I just got back from running away for 4 hours to the river first and then to a friend's house (today) where she promptly, prayed with me, then called an endocrinologist and an OBGYN.  SO I'm writing this for myself, and if you happen to be reading and need to be encouraged...it's for you too.

Encouragement #1 - although as you can see from the graph above, this process can take YEARS, but it will eventually end. My closest friends tell me - it is actually quiet wonderful when it does.

#2 - Because we are children of God, we can take comfort in the knowledge that it is who we are the inside that matters to Him. (Prov. 31:30) We shouldn't fear the aging process. 

#3 - We have the assurance that God's grace is sufficient to get us through whatever life throws at us. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2nd Corinthians 12:9

#4 - God will never leave us or forsake us! (Heb. 13:5)

#5 - Let's remember when we are feeling like we are unravelling - we need more than ever to take all of those anxieties to the Lord in prayer, seeking His wisdom and strength in order to overcome. (1 Peter 5:7)

#6 - If we're married, we should confide in our husband and communicate as best we can why we might be behaving erratically or why we suddenly cannot cope anymore. Listen, after 25 years of marriage as much as I don't like to accept the reality of it, husband's are NOT mind readers. God has the perfect design for marriage - and so if you are married, review that design in Eph. 5:25 and adhere as closely as possible to that.

#7 - If peace of mind is what you're after (and trust me we are) Philippians 4:6-7 says it best "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

#8 - Approach the throne with confidence and as often as needed! (Heb. 4:16)

#9 - Make Him your dwelling place, your refuge and He will command His angels concerning you... (Psalm 91:9-11) Running away to the river can help sometimes and/or to a friends house (I did both of these today), but be sure that your friend runs to the cross with you...because that is where I always find peace. 

Do we have to suffer in private pain? NO Do I sometimes still? YES However, I'm encouraged just by writing these scriptures down, because His Word is alive and active in me and it is TRUTH!! And we all know the truth sets us FREE!  Write down those scriptures ladies! And remember to bear with those who may be suffering in private pain - pray for them, don't be too hard on them, it will pass.

♥

Just a Small Jar of Oil

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I - Psalms 61:2

Overwhelmed? I've been studying 2 Kings and I love, absolutely love Elisha. He has taught me so much. As I'm in my 4th week of homeschooling my superheros, perhaps it is my theory of education of homeschooling that gets in my way sometimes, but I have a 7th, 8th and 9th grader now. I'm running a household, running a business, serving at church, keeping up with relationships, trying to stay healthy....life can be overwhelming. (could be why I've not written in a while) :)

I was walking with a friend this morning and we agreed that everyone has issues in their lives that can easily bring them down. It's how we deal with those issues, how we look at our situation, what we focus on.

Whatever stage of life we are in, there are moments when we feel like we are faced with too many responsibilities facing us at every turn, or like we've run out of options and we're doing life on empty. I imagine that is how the lady in 2 Kings 4 felt. With her husband's death, she was in terrible financial trouble. When you think your financial problems are bad, read about this woman, it puts it in perspective. She was desperate, in fear of losing everything she had including her boys - to creditors.

We know the story. She asks Elisha for help, and he asked her what she had to work with and she said nothing! Just this small jar of oil.

Wow! Can you relate? Have you ever been in that place where you don't think you have enough, you feel desperation in your gut...what happens? We tend to focus only on our limitations don't we?

God sees our situations much differently than we do. I promise you, I serve a God that specializes in doing a lot with a little! 

God took one jar of oil and multiplied it so the widow cold pay her debts.

I just felt like someone needed to be encouraged this morning. When you feel like you've run out of options, or you are drowning and feel there is no way out,...remember you have all God needs. He's given you everything you need. Practice gratitude for those things in life that you do have...it totally changes our focus.  It's outrageous faith that Elisah teaches us! I want outrageous faith - I've got all I need and that's all God needs to do miraculous things in my life! Take a moment and write down what you have, what is your small jar of oil? That's all He needs.

When We're Wobbly

I haven't skated in over 30 years. Last week was the first time and I had the time of my life. I'm still waiting to fall although I pray before I go out there that I don't. Tonight my husband actually joined us on the floor, I'm so proud of him.

As I skated around today (I haven't remembered how to stop, actually it is quite possible I never learned how to stop!) I noticed a few things that made me smile.

My children are so courageous. I know they are boys, and they are young, but really, I'm so proud of them. They really are my superheros! They all put skates on for the first time last week and now look forward to going every week! Watching them is part of the fun for me! All so different in personalities.

Shane, my youngest and most athletic, he is so incredibly determined to conquer this. Last week was his first time EVER on skates. This week he could go around the entire rink in 40 seconds. Wobbly? Yes! Did he fall? Lots! Did he get back up?...YES! He is amazing! It won't be long...he'll be out skating his Mom!

Kyle, who didn't walk until he was well over year old, still holds on to the wall quite a bit, but for it only being his second week...he was seriously doing great! He has totally conquered the carpet and could have kept going even after an hour and a half of skating! He is so proud of himself..and that makes me smile! I couldn't be more proud. He and his sweet friend Reese skated around together and encouraged one another! I could eat them up they were so precious!

Then there is Brendan. He is my tallest child and my most cautious! He only fell once tonight. He wanted to give up, but I'm proud to say he didn't! He skated until the very end. One of his best friends is such a great skater, he is one of the reasons why we go on Tuesdays now. Brendan misses his friend Chase! I watched the two of them tonight. My how they have both changed since kindergarten - in some ways, but in some ways not (that makes me smile!)! I love these boys! Chase was so sweet to skate with Brendan and they caught up and talked (the benefit of Chase being such a good skater is that he can skate backwards and carry on a complete conversation)! I just love everything about it!

Then there is the reason I skate every week now.

This woman came into my life seven years ago, when our boys were in kindergarten together. I have to say, it has been a God inspired friendship, and I'm so thankful for the blessing it has been. We both have boys, she gets to have a bonus girl on occasion, you can see her blog at My Blended Recipe, but I love her so much! Our boys have been special friends all of these years and we've been able to walk through each others storms, and miracles, one after another. Watching the Lord work in this woman's life has been such a blessing to me - I have watched her faith walk grow by leaps and bounds in the past 7 years..it has been such an honor. We have so many many memories of times of prayer together...WOW! We've called each other for encouragement in homeschooling we just do life very similarly...I'm so thankful I get to have her in my life.

I watched her skate with her boy today and as she held his hand, I was reminded that that is what we're called to do for each other. Sometimes, we get wobbly legs during our faith walk...those are the exact moments when a sister can come along side and take your hand. I do hope that I am that way to others. I feel like part of who God has called me to be is someone who loves enough to stand next to you, cover you a little until you get steady enough to find the next person to help. Discipleship. I love that there are women in my life to help steady me, to pray for me, to love me right where I'm at! To remind me of who I am in Christ and to encourage me in my walk. Whatever the walk! Homeschooling, weight loss, parenting, faith...whatever the walk we're walking, it is always good to have someone to come along and encourage you once in awhile.

I have that with my weight loss journey too. There are two pretty special women in my life that I drive to Weight Watcher with (and one that meets us at the meeting). I wouldn't want to do this without them. Last week, we sat in our meeting missing our friend Ann who just broke her knee a few weeks back. Michelle took a picture of Beth and I to send to Ann to show her some love and let her know we miss her! You know what I love about them...it is the same thing I noticed about our boys tonight...there is no competition, just flat out encouragement. Even while some are succeeding faster than others (or can skate better than others) there has never been a feeling of competition. Competition has its place, but when we're walking these kinds of walks, its better just to have a non judgmental, loving friend to stand beside you and encourage you on your walk! OH I love it!

Who can you encourage today? Be mindful of the fact that just because someone seems to wear a smile and "have it all together", does not mean they don't need a word of encouragement too.

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 

 1 Thessalonians 5:11

The Power of Words

As I reflect this week on all that I am grateful for, I keep reaching over to the lamp next to my bed and picking up this card. I have this amazing spirit filled friend whom the Lord uses mightily to saturate my soul in my love language..words of encouragement. I know whenever I receive something from her, it is because the Lord Almighty has spoken to her obedient heart...and I'm always incredibly blessed. I do hope she doesn't mind me sharing her personal sentiments to me with the readers of this blog. I just felt like it was a huge part of my 1000 Gifts..my gratitude this week..and I couldn't pass it by..I had to pass it on.

There is amazingly great power in words...

 as they fall off of the page and into my heart I read these POWERFUL words...

 "Your difficult times end up being an encouragement for others because we always see God do IMPOSSIBLE things to answer your prayers." WOW! God!!! To You be all the Glory & Honor! That my life song may be a blessing to others - what an encouragement to "remain faithful to waiting on God."

I've been teaching on Hope this past year at our Bagels & Blessings. As always the Lord is faithful to teach me so I can effectively teach others. To Him be the Glory!!

Then she goes on to pray provision over me....that "He do things that blow my mind!...He rewards my patience as I wait on Him...and Healing will take place in all of us!" Thank you Lord for such saturating my soul..for friends that really pray for me!!

Then look at this final paragraph..."Lord take this IMPOSSIBLE situation and SHOW OFF with it!...Show the world...NOTHING is too hard, too difficult, too impossible...another opportunity Lord, do it...BIG!!" Even as I type, these powerful Spirit-filled words move my heart that tears are falling once again.

We do have a very BIG God...who cares immensely...and who has a PERFECT plan. Even when I do not see where my next foot will fall...I walk by faith..not by sight!! He has ordered my steps and He will provide for each one. We continue to look for part time employment for my husband and I am about to embark on a new endeavor with teaching guitar. We understand fully that we are living on 5 loaves and 2 fish. If I remember the event as it is written in the Word...they had enough and even some left over. GO God!!! Do it BIG!

Thank you Father for...

270. Caring for little me and my little family, that you would place us on the hearts of others whom you trust to obey your will.

271. All the persons that are you. The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.

272. The words of a friend, moved by the Spirit, that have saturated my soul with encouragement.

273. Your provision, and your Word that says..you will continue to provide for our every need.

274. Making memories with my arrows....the bonus..education.

275. Scripture memory...as each member of my family pours into your word...it becomes alive and active in us.

276. The mystery that You are Lord...although you have revealed Yourself fully, I keep wanting more and more of you.

277. Your perfect plan that includes, hope and a future.

278. A husband who is trying and working so hard...hold on to Him Lord as he continues to hold on to you!

279. Teachable moments in Your curriculum...lessons on love, hope and giving. ♥

Amen!

....and the gifts keep growing on...

I Don't Care About That Red Squiggly Line!

Image: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Journaling. If you were to look up that word in Mirriam-Webster's dictionary, she/it would tell you that it does not exist. No such word! Irritatingly, when I type the word it gets that red squiggly line underneath that screams.."PLEASE SPELL CHECK,"  yet it is a verb that has been a vital part of my life for so many years. It is, among other things, therapeutic as well as an ongoing source of encouragement (if not at least entertaining).  I have tons of journals that look much like the one above. I love to look back and read what (and when) I was writing years ago. My journals are precious to me and hopefully someday to my children as well. My boys love the journal I wrote to them in my  "Journey To Become Your Mom" journal and I enjoy reading the mountaintop and valley experiences over and over again...it puts things in perspective and reminds me of where I've been and some of the lessons I've learned.

My journaling looks a little more like this picture below nowadays. Iinterestingly enough (and quite off topic) "nowadays" is a word and journaling is not...go figure!

Image: luigi diamanti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Recently I began to look back of some of my journals, both penned and keyed and it has brought me so much joy, so much depth and understanding, so much gratitude.

I remember Miracles on My Street happening like it was yesterday..the joy I had in writing it, came flooding back to me as I reread that story.  Keeping my head on straight and my eyes are heart focused on things above is what I was reminded when I reread Focus on The Negative..Why. My Strength and My Song and The Value of Things Eternal I obviously needed to read..this week. What a great time I've had reading and rereading!

Then someone on Facebook was struggling with something that tends to be a recurring issue of my own, and I chuckled because I remembered writing about it once in 2008 when I wrote My Heart-And Those Crystal Balls but then I wrote about Those Balls Again in 2010 and that totally made me laugh out loud!

So as I was reading I thought, this is the best way to go to sleep....reading entries like...How Wide, How Long or I'm Lost Without You.

It was fun taking a little trip down memory lane, but even more than that, it was encouraging to my soul to look back on my life and see all that the Lord has done. Journaling, I don't care about that red squiggly line, I'm so thankful for the art!!