Private Pain

I cannot believe it has been 3 years since I wrote the light hearted What Do You Call An Old Chicken. This was the absolute beginning of my journey. My journey to....

I'm presently still camped in the long stretch of Peri-Menopause. That is a real thing. Google it. I'm updating for two reasons; one, because it helps me to do some research and to write when I'm experiencing something and two, because I believe I have a voice (albeit a small one) and if I can help anyone else who is suffering from this...it makes everything worth it.

Suffering. I don't want to be heavy, but this is actually more serious than you may think. Well it has been for me.  Three years ago when I was first diagnosed with classic symptomatic perimenopause, I had only a handful of symptoms. 

Let's say I presently have 8-9 from the left column and all 7 from the right plus a few others like (irregular heartbeat, and a sense of being overwhelmingly overwhelmed.)

These are so fun. You feel like you are on fire on the inside of your body and then it just oozes out of your pores. Best when it happens in the middle of the night and you wake up with the fan blowing your soaking wet self, sheets and pillows. 

For me the physical symptoms are not as bad as the emotional ones. To sum it up, I have cried/sobbed hard close to 3-4 times a week since September. I've run away 3 times (not getting very far), I have felt like my life was falling apart at the seams. I have kept this all inside for the most part. I have a couple friends who really know what I'm going through (and they have either gone through it or are experiencing some similar symptoms). I've confided in my husband...although it wouldn't surprise me if he recognized my symptoms before me.

Is this the same lady that wakes up in the morning, spends her time with the Lord, journals her prayers and believes God with supernatural faith? YES! One in the same. 

So that I'm not depressing you, I should put out there that I have serious thyroid issues too. When I was giving birth to my twins I lost over half of my body's blood, putting me into a coma for 4 days. I had 8 blood transfusions to help save my life. With those transfusions I inherited an antibody that ate my thyroid. I've been on medication since. Sadly, my numbers are so crazy out of whack..I'm sure this is just exacerbating the perimenopausal issue, so perhaps your journey will not look as bleak as mine.

Just look at how long that blue box is. We have to get through all of this first.

Ladies and gentlemen (if any read this) we need to be aware that when we are feeling this way (or when your wives are feeling this way) it is fertile ground for the enemy to attack. 

My husband told me that that's just what the enemy wants. He wants me to be alone like a wounded gazelle so he can devour me. I have totally felt alone and wounded...totally (but the toothless lion has yet to devour me - I'm thinking He despises the taste of the blood of Jesus - praise God!)

The truth is this is very private pain. I think its so private because we feel like we're going crazy and we don't want anyone to know it. SO if and when we can, (and that's a big if/when) we put on our happy face, suck it up and muddle through until we can get alone and cry again. I know it sound pathetic, believe me it feels pathetic, but it is really very real. 

SO now what? Well for me, I have options. I can go the medication route...and I have tried some of that. We can eat right, exercise and continue to stay on our face in prayer. I think it is important to remember some key things when we're in the middle of this. OK here is the part that I call therapy, the reason I'm writing this is first for myself remember. I don't have this mastered, I just got back from running away for 4 hours to the river first and then to a friend's house (today) where she promptly, prayed with me, then called an endocrinologist and an OBGYN.  SO I'm writing this for myself, and if you happen to be reading and need to be encouraged...it's for you too.

Encouragement #1 - although as you can see from the graph above, this process can take YEARS, but it will eventually end. My closest friends tell me - it is actually quiet wonderful when it does.

#2 - Because we are children of God, we can take comfort in the knowledge that it is who we are the inside that matters to Him. (Prov. 31:30) We shouldn't fear the aging process. 

#3 - We have the assurance that God's grace is sufficient to get us through whatever life throws at us. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2nd Corinthians 12:9

#4 - God will never leave us or forsake us! (Heb. 13:5)

#5 - Let's remember when we are feeling like we are unravelling - we need more than ever to take all of those anxieties to the Lord in prayer, seeking His wisdom and strength in order to overcome. (1 Peter 5:7)

#6 - If we're married, we should confide in our husband and communicate as best we can why we might be behaving erratically or why we suddenly cannot cope anymore. Listen, after 25 years of marriage as much as I don't like to accept the reality of it, husband's are NOT mind readers. God has the perfect design for marriage - and so if you are married, review that design in Eph. 5:25 and adhere as closely as possible to that.

#7 - If peace of mind is what you're after (and trust me we are) Philippians 4:6-7 says it best "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

#8 - Approach the throne with confidence and as often as needed! (Heb. 4:16)

#9 - Make Him your dwelling place, your refuge and He will command His angels concerning you... (Psalm 91:9-11) Running away to the river can help sometimes and/or to a friends house (I did both of these today), but be sure that your friend runs to the cross with you...because that is where I always find peace. 

Do we have to suffer in private pain? NO Do I sometimes still? YES However, I'm encouraged just by writing these scriptures down, because His Word is alive and active in me and it is TRUTH!! And we all know the truth sets us FREE!  Write down those scriptures ladies! And remember to bear with those who may be suffering in private pain - pray for them, don't be too hard on them, it will pass.

♥

Finding Joy in the Journey

Just one of the things I saw on our hike down Stone Mountain. See how distractingly beautiful that can be!

This morning I laid it down again. My journey. Not my battle, but my journey. According to Webster, a journey is a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time; passage or progress from one stage to another. We are ALL on a journey of some sort. Just coming home from my latest vacation it made me reflect on the fact that when we're on a journey we must be ready to accept the fact that we may find ourselves encountering things that may slow down our traveling. For example, we may hit traffic, detours, road construction (someone else in your party may get really sick)...all of which will slow us down. We may just be tired and need to pull over, or we may get distracted by all the things we can see and do on our trip. We may just be totally enjoying ourselves and the life that this journey has taken us and we've gotten out and pitched a tent for awhile. Now, when we do that....it makes sense that "traveling from one place to another" will take longer. Just a fact.

That's what has happened with my journey. I've gotten out, pitched a tent and have truly been enjoying all the things that life has shown me for the past 4 months or so (I've gotten a little distracted). Don't get me wrong...there have been some storms, and that can totally do a number on the tent. So, I'm just confessing today that I've put my tent back into the car, I'm not going to be discouraged about the time loss (or the weight gain), I know this is a journey...but its time to get back on the road. Time to set my eyes straight on my goal. No looking back, just forward. Its a new day. I'm not going to beat myself up for the pause in my journey...I haven't given up.

That is where you can find the joy in the journey. I'm still on the journey, I'm not in a race...but I know there is a goal to meet...and I'm not lost...I've just pitched a tent for awhile...but I'm back in the car..ready to do this!

How about you? Where have you been on your journey? Are you discouraged because you are not where you thought you should be by now? OK, so when we begin to feel discouraged - take an inventory, perhaps its time to pick up your tent and move on. Get back on track. Just don't sit there and be miserable and beat yourself up, reach up for the Lord's outstretched hand, He will pick you up (all the while He is smiling...He's not condemning you know)...HE LOVES you!! He's always thrilled when we reach out to Him. I've said I'm in the car and ready to go...but I didn't say I was the one driving. I know myself, I get WAY too distracted. I see a pretty mountain, or an interesting historical landmark and I can't help myself. This is why we need to let Him do the driving. So here you go Lord, I'm giving you the keys. I know you love me, I know that there may even be times when I beg you for the chance to drive and you may even let me...I get it. I'm just glad I'm doing it with YOU...and I'm not alone! Here WE go!

Friends, EnJOY your journey!

The Sex Talk

Shocked by the title. I know...it was hard to type too. I knew that day would come. I knew just covering "the Mum machine & the Dad machine) periodically in the Usborne Books wasn't gonna cut it! I secretly hoped that Dad could really just teach this to our boys...but alas...he is a nurse now..and works all wonky hours. So it's all up to me. (I urge you to PLEASE read all the way through as I have copied a claim by my curriculum towards the bottom of this blog...it is very important...Sonlight carries a unique edition of this book.)

Grant it, I will give this to Mr. Incredible, he did take my "oldest" (well, most mature) child out for "the talk" because we knew he would be needing to know what was going on with his hormones, his body, and the rest of the world too. We want our boys to feel comfortable talking freely with us about this important change in their lives.

Well, that didn't go so well. He was "embarrassed", said that did not count as a "Dad Date" at all, said it was all good until "Dad mentioned girls!" This coming from the child who, when he was 8 or 9, responded to me when I asked him if he thought he might get married some day by saying this...and yes..I can quote this..because I wrote it down..."Oh Mom, I'm gonna walk around and keep my hands in pockets, and if some girl picks me, I'll marry her!"

Well, as a Mom...I like the whole..keep your hands in your pockets thing!

On Monday, it was a little uncomfortable. We hadn't opened Almost 12 yet, we were just reading their science book and labeling the body parts. So one boy hid behind his cereal box, one kept reminding me he was only 9 and this was for his brothers, and the other told me he would rather clean his room or write his "final copy" of his paper on Florence Nightengale. (That's one way to get them not to complain about writing!) Oh and a side note...after teaching details about the boy's and the girl's reproductive system...my boys have a greater respect for me. They are so glad to be boys - "girls have it way worse"!

I'm glad I talked about it with them...apparently, even though we have discussed this...tenderly in the past...it didn't sink in with my two (youngest/less mature) children. They weren't quite clear on how babies were made. (Somewhere deep inside, I kind of wished I could let them live with those illusions..hoping it would keep them from ever doing some very innocent things that may progress to less innocent things! ::wink wink::)

Tuesday we actually cracked the "Almost 12" book that you see above. Very candid, very real, Some of my favorite quotes..just to give you a taste for the book were these...

"When the Lord Jesus was twelve years old it was said of Him that He grew in grace and in favor with God and man. This means that He was becoming more and more useful and well-loved by all who knew Him. I hope that this will be your experience too." ♥

After clearly explaining the process/mechanics of sexual intercourse, it says this...

"This is God's wonderful way of growing His children, and we must be careful no to spoil the glory of His plan by joking about it or thinking wrongly about these things."

It proceeds to explain what to expect your body to do and feel during this stage of life. Talks about the day that God will give the gift of love for a boy or girl who will become your husband or wife and says this..

"God has made us this way, and it is right and good. But it is also a time to be careful.....God gives the gift of kissing and caressing primarily for two people who are married. He trusts you not to misuse this gift."

It talks about the dangers for people who don't wait until they are married; physically, emotionally and spiritually as well. We praise God for His redeeming love.

Then it ends with this..."If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgment and common sense, then trust the Lord completely; don't ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success."

Actually, I want to credit my curriculum, Sonlight, once again for broaching this subject so beautifully, really all throughout their science curriculum - even from earlier ages..just enough information at the right time. They have wonderful books, from a beautiful Godly perspective that really do a great job explaining sex and marriage. However,  "Almost 12", is my favorite thus far!

I have taken the liberty to copy what Sonlight has said about this book...Almost 12...:

"Written to be read page-by-page with a child, Almost 12 follows the progress of human life from conception to birth, highlighting key facts and important moral values. With its question-and-answer section, art, photography, and easy-to-read format, children ages 10-12 will discover the miracle of birth in an effective and non-threatening way. Sonlight carries a unique edition of this title. We do not recommend the current edition from the publisher."

 
We're going to be opening this book next week: The Boy's Body Book!

We've not gotten to this book yet...next week! I think I'm more excited than my boys!

Mr. Incredible, affectionately called Dad by the young superheros, came home today as we were finishing the Almost 12 book. When we finished, the boys had questions to ask Dad too. I love, LOVE, that my husband and I can be truthful with our children. I'm glad they can see that living according to God's plan is totally possible!

Best moment of the day was when we sat around our table, held hands together as a family and my husband prayed over my boys. He prayed for the Lord to bless them, guide them through all the changes, to keep their hearts and minds pure and always conscience of the Lord. He prayed for their bodies and the changes they will experience. He prayed for them and how they should respect girls. He reassured them of his love and the love of the Father for each of them. He prayed for protection from the enemy and from outside influences. He prayed for us as parents that we would have wisdom in parenting. He prayed very specifically. There was not one giggle, not was squirm. It was precious beyond words! 

Then I prayed. I prayed for the girls that will come into their lives. For the ones who will want to court my boys. I prayed for their future wives. I prayed and thanked God for my husband and the example he is to my boys. I prayed that we would always have open communication and trust with each other. My love for them grew in a way I didn't know possible. I love and care deeply for my future men. 

(Friends, don't worry, we also talked about how this is for discussing within our family only. We explained how just like we did, other families will want to talk with their children privately too. Its for parents to explain to their children...not children to other children.)

So often we get caught in parenting the 9 & 11 year-old's...and forget that they will be men someday. It can't always be about the moment. In order to parent intentionally...we have to be mindful of the men they will someday be. 

For now, we'll "just keep our hands in our pockets" and be kids! After school today we played games, watched Star Wars, built Legos, ate pudding parfaits and had fun being 9 & 11! Childhood is too precious to rush...there will be no rushing here!

I've Stopped Calling It A Battle

About 4 years ago, my doctor told me I probably would not be able see my children graduate high school if I continue down the road I was on. Truth! I was a walking stroke just waiting to happen. My cholesterol was 383, my triglyceride levels were 830 (I am not kidding..I have the blood work paper still here). My blood pressure never knew numbers below 140/90 and at times it was much higher. I was well over 80 lbs overweight and I couldn't hardly walk a mile. It is so hard to see me like this, but just to give you a peek into my past...this was me about 5 years ago.

 

Unfortunately, when you have a real weight problem, you have a tendency to see yourself like this..no matter what the mirror shows. I talked about that in last week's post. I've struggled with my weight my whole life. In 2009 I joined Weight Watchers. (I hate admitting this..but this is why I'm writing this). I decided that I really really needed to live, for my children, I needed to honor God with my health, I wanted to teach my children to ride their bikes. 

This was me 9 months after joining Weight Watchers. (I should mention I got off all 8 of my medications...NO diabetes, NO high blood pressure, NO high cholesterol, NO high triglycerides and I ran my first 5K during this year too...yes..that would be 3.1 miles) This was my lowest weight in years. I am not at my goal here. I was only 27 pounds away from my goal. So close. I started to feel confident, a little relaxed because..."I WAS GOING TO DO THIS!!" It was so close, I could...taste it. (poor choice of words, but it works). Oh I haven't gained all the weight back, but I did gain 18 lbs since 2009 to 2012. I am now 36 lbs. away from my goal today. How did this happen to me?

I am serious about personal reflection and I ask the Lord to search me too. Psalm 139 is powerful, the whole chapter. Sometimes I sit and read it back to God during my time with Him.  "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Here is what I've learned. I have said all along that "I have battled this weight loss thing for years.", "This is an ongoing battle!" "I'll probably have to battle this forever." "Every day is a new battle..faced with choices..food/exercise..." 

Even typing the word battle makes me feel worn out. It's true. Just say it. Oh come on..no one is listening. The term battle comes with a sense of heaviness. (and quite frankly who needs more heaviness..especially with a weight loss issue!..lol!) Think about a battle. Do we look forward to the battle? Probably not. You might feel strong at the beginning of the "battle" like "I AM GOING TO DO THIS!", but then you get weary because a battle wears you out - sometimes it feels like it is taking FOREVER! Eventually you may not even look forward to doing battle. You get out of bed and think...where is that white flag!?!

Well, I've stopped calling it a battle! It's not about winning anymore for me. It's not about defeating the old enemy called food or fat! 

I'm calling it a journey. This is my weight loss journey. Now say it with me...journey. Doesn't it kind of sound a little exciting? Like anticipating an...dare I say...adventure! Yes, it makes me feel invigorated, excited and hopeful. It's a journey. A journey, as my blog defines (go and peek over at the margin to your right) is a traveling from one place to another, usually taking a rather long time. This makes me smile. For me losing weight is a journey. I now look forward to getting up and starting each day. Guess what, its no surprise that it is taking a "rather long time." Oh but my perspective and attitude have changed. I'm excited. It's an adventure. Where once I dreaded going and meeting with my Weight Watchers friends (and it wasn't always like that by the way) and even the scale, now I see it as...hmmm...exciting.

Oddly enough since I've begun training for my 10K, (I only have two more weeks left) I haven't lost more than 1 pound a week and many weeks I've lost less than that. In fact two weeks ago, I gained a pound. (Jaw dropping to the ground!) I've been working my muscles hard...and they are getting stronger and harder and working to help my body burn even better. I'm writing this because I started to get discouraged, until last week in my reflection time I realized, I'm not in a battle, I'm on a journey...and then I found it exciting and positive again!

So this is me last month. Ten pounds from reaching my lowest weight on this particular journey. I am still off all medications (except thyroid..I don't have a thyroid..so I need one little pill a day forever.) Not only can I run a 5K and shave 5 minutes off my best time (I have one coming up in 3 weeks), but I can now run for 45 minutes....without stopping! Eight weeks ago I could only run 8 minutes and had to catch my breath. I'm still 37 pounds overweight, but I'm healthier now than ever and...I'm on a journey!

Finally, will my journey ever end? Will I get to that place where I am free to be me? The answers are NO and YES. This particular journey will never end. However, there will be challenges and rewards and different scenery...it will always be exciting! I will always have to be conscious of what I eat, and always do my best to make good choices. That is, if I want to enjoy a life of good health. So no, I will not be rewarding myself with a big old chocolate cake when I reach my goal weight! I can never do the things I use to do, or I will end up in the same place I use to be.  However, I will arrive at that place where I'm free to be me. The new me. The me I've been conditioning and training myself to be. The me that really enjoys a strawberry banana smoothie! I'm expecting by the time I've reached my goal weight, I will have changed in some other areas besides my size. My lifestyle will have changed...there is freedom in that. I'm not saying that I will NEVER SLIP UP...I'm saying I am going to do everything to remind myself that this is not a battle & I don't have to GIVE UP (find the white flag or throw in the towel)...because after all...its a journey!