Silent Pain Brought to Light

Kyle, Brendan and Shane

As if the transformation from boy to man isn't difficult enough, add on the social pressures, hormonal changes, and well meaning parents and it's the making of a perfect storm.

(This post was shared with Kyle prior to my posting.)

This isn't going to be an easy post, but I feel strongly that I have a small voice and if I can help someone else....well,  you understand. This has been, hands down the most difficult year of Kyle's life. As most know, Kyle is my son who was diagnosed at 3 years old with PDD-NOS (a spectrum disorder). Recently the Lord has been revealing His Word to me as it relates to our body, mind and spirit. The Lord brought to my memory today of words I've spoken in the past - words that both Kyle and I had to reread. Here is that post - He's My Superhero.

This past year Kyle has been under certain torment. Imagine the square peg in a round hole. He was finding it easier to be "himself" among people that do not know him, that can not see him, and that only know him by the words he types on a screen. So as a parent you see a pull to this environment, you naturally want to limit his exposure because after all, "these people aren't really your friends Kyle," you don't really know who they are...they are...words typed on a screen.

So, I may not know everything there is to know about all things techy, but that is why I work extra hard to be sure I'm on and in everything my kids do. They know that with every device they have - I have the ability to access it at any given time. That's the way its done around here. I had a parent tell me that their child would not appreciate knowing that I can look at a chat that they're involved in. Well, sorry - pick up the telephone and chat the old fashioned way...I'm not listening to phone calls. We all need accountability....and they are all minors. Anyway, with that said I had read some of the most beautiful words written by my son to others in this building game that he plays. His heart for people astounds me. His heartfelt prayers for people....I know it is kind of a ministry for him. However, he was getting lost in that world. I had to help bring him back.

We went to counseling and he was/is loved by his counselor. She adores him. Kyle will tell you, he had so much anger pent up inside of him. He would lash out, uncontrollably. We started not to recognize him at all.

Mike and I tried to help him by showing him different ways to handle himself. In the most loving way a parent can, we would try to help Kyle "change" so he could perhaps be more socially accepted. We didn't understand. An example would be, Kyle had this "thing" where he would want to give everyone a high five but at the last minute move his hand so you would miss. Okay, not bad right? Well, not the first 20 times, but after a while we kept thinking, everyone is going to get so tired of this. Or his crazy dancing that he would do - people may think that is odd or goofy. So we would suggest, "hey buddy, why don't you try to mix it up a bit, surprise people, shake their hand instead." Things like that. We would try to give him alternatives. Different ways to help him, so he didn't "stand out" because he was different. We just wanted him to feel loved by others. We wanted him to feel accepted, like he had friends. We were afraid that kids were not wanting to be around him. He didn't want to go to co-op, church anywhere...he just wanted to stay home and be with his online friends.  We were just trying to get him to hold back on the things we interpreted as "unusual behavior" or "awkward".

All the while, not understanding what was happening, we were trying to squeeze this very special peg in to a box that he wasn't ever meant to fit into. Well, that's painful isn't it. When the counselor said to us, "You are probably the only people who think Kyle has to change, everybody else in that youth group, or co-op or anyone that knows Kyle is not expecting Kyle to be any different." I wept and wept. My son, who was tired of living, who told me it would be better if he were not alive and if he went to be with Jesus. My boy who smiles and makes people around him smile, was dying on the inside...and the people who love him the most were just trying to make him into something he was not. As if what he is...wasn't enough. OUCH!

He is enough. He is perfect. He is a teenage boy, with a sense of humor, a style of his own. He is this child who marches to the beat of his own drum. The same boy who drew this 5 years ago...

So, as the video shows below shows, we have embraced Kyle's uniqueness. We actually try to remember to encourage it. In this we were at a coffee house and it was 80s night. My boy got up and danced his own special dance and people just came out and joined him. He was on top of the world. So we did what any proud parents would do..we cheered him on (even though it reminded me of some 80s version of jazzercise). We laughed, clapped and cheered and it was FUN! When we got in the car that night he said, "The best part about this night was when I heard you guys cheering me on - that made me feel awesome." Lesson learned! So, we love our Kyle so much. He's going through some serious stuff, I would rather have crazy Kyle, the Kyle that God created, the one that was chosen and who is greatly loved, holy, a child of God than a boy who doesn't know who he is.

Parenting. It's not for wimps. He still has limitations on his technology, I still try to encourage other avenues of entertainment. He had a life altering encounter with the Holy Spirit while he was away at camp with our church youth group. He went up for prayer for a broken heart and he came back whole! He feels like he has friends at church now, brothers. He knows what the Lord has done for him. He wants to share his story with others. He even asked if I thought he could be a youth pastor. Ummm....YES!! I have always believed Kyle was special and unique and that God created him for greatness. I got a little lost in the every day teenage hormonal storm, but I'm standing strong now. It's not easy...I'm a human being...but every single day I rely on the Holy Spirit to get me through. I am working on "supernatural parenting" as our youth pastor would call it. I'm thankful for those that have supported us during this time, this very silent time. I encourage you, do not make the mistakes we've made. Just like Kyle never wanted anyone to ever know he spoke of suicide, we never wanted anyone to know the anguish and level of discontent we were living with either. When you put that stuff in the light, the enemy loses his power. Find people you can trust, people you know will storm Heaven on your behalf. People who will speak life over your family and over you. People who will put you in your place and tell you what is what. I'm so thankful. Kyle is still going through puberty, he still struggles with many things. No question. But I see a huge change in him. I see him trying to get past the limitations his disorder has claimed in his life. We now declare over him what God's word says. Autism Spectrum Disorder...its got nothing over my boy! He is created in the image of God, whole and perfect with a destiny that will astonish the next generation!

Someday I'm Gonna Be!

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."  1 Thes. 5:11

He's the object of much of my learning and much of my writing. I love him so much! With all of his challenges, learning disabilities and social issues, he continues to draw most everyone he meets to see Jesus in a special way. I can't really explain it. He is just a genuine love, uniquely created to bring Him glory!

As I have written in the past, this boy was my last to pull out of school to homeschool. Yes, I was fearful, I admit it. Could I possibly help him more than he is already being helped? If I can't, then I am the only one to blame.

Throughout the past 9 years since he was first diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder an autism spectrum disorder) I have been very conscious of how we have encouraged him. We have cried and pondered and hoped and wondered and prayed about his future. There is no doubt that we have made the right decision to bring him home. He has grown so much academically, but most importantly he has grown up so much more in so many other areas of his life...we are so incredibly blessed to be a first hand witness to the miraculous hand of God in this child's life.

The truth is, my sweet boy is getting older. (I know...I don't like this part!) He is becoming so much more aware of his abilities and even his disabilities. He is having a hard time accepting that he is "behind" others in his age or grade (including his twin brother...and even his younger brother in some areas). Typically we have always accentuated each of their strengths. "Oh you are an amazing artist!" or "You are such a studious child!" or "You have a gift for athletics!" They even realize each others gifts...and encourage one another by praising each other in their differences.  What about aspirations for the future?

Well, in the past, I've concentrated on encouraging anything and everything he might be interested in. "I'm going to be a zookeeper when I grow up Mom!" You will be a great zookeeper! "I want to be a 'smoothie guy' (a guy who makes smoothies)" You will an amazing smoothie guy if that is what you want to be. See, that would be my encouraging him in whatever he wants to pursue.

In my prayer journal I write about my children and their future. I prayed about Kyle's concern about being..."behind". It was breaking my heart! Even though I would tell him, that he wasn't behind..he was right where he should be...it is only natural to compare yourself...not healthy but certainly natural.

I have had to dig deep, and try many ways of teaching this child so that he can remember something. Kyle suffers from short term memory problems. We're trying something new...and I think its working. After one of our school day's this week I said these words to him...and little did I know the impact. "Kyle, you are doing so well! I'm so proud of you. You know, you would make a great teacher some day!"

A few days later I'm teaching another superhero at the table and I hear Kyle and his Dad chatting in the other room. As he sits in his Dad's lap, he says these words..."You know, someday, I'm going to be a teacher. Probably I will teach reading!" I was overwhelmed with joy (which of course manifested in tears)! I didn't just encourage him, but clearly, I spoke life into him.

That night as I prayed, the Lord reminded me of a memory stored way deep in my heart. I was a high school teacher, teaching interviewing skills about 15-16 years ago. I had many of my students in several classes. This one girl in particular struggled academically. I remember always trying to say something positive to every student - its important to find something. THERE IS GREAT POWER IN OUR WORDS! They can be used to build up or destroy! I remember saying to her one year when she was in my keyboarding class that she was a great speller. She would rarely have spelling mistakes in her timed writings - so that is where I was able to "speak life" into her - I know..it wasn't much. The following year she was in my class where I was teaching interviewing skills. We had a mock interview with the vice principal and I always video taped it and we would watched them together in class the following week. When the VP asked her what her strengths were, I remember she paused, thought about it, sat up straight in her chair and said..."Well, I'm a really good speller!" I have no idea of the lasting impact of those words in her life. How those words could have made a difference.

I have no idea what Kyle will be when he grows up. But I am going to be more purposeful in planting seeds in his precious heart. I'm going to be more diligent than ever in watering and nurturing the soil of his heart. Finally, I am going to continue to not only agree and encourage all of my children in their aspirations for their future, but also dream big and pray big about what they can/will do and continue to encourage them to reach beyond what seems just a reality! I never want to limit my dreams for them or their own dreams for themselves! I trust God! I've seen him do miraculous things already! Of course you can be a police officer. You could be a lawyer, mayor, yes even president!

You could be a teacher Kyle! Yes you could. In fact, you would be an amazing teacher. So encouraging, so loving, so caring! So able! I don't know what he will be when he grows up...but I do know...he's gonna be!

Wake Them Up With The Word

I read a great article that a friend posted for me on facebook. It took me back to the reasons why we homeschool. The name of the blog post is Homeschooling Held Hostage. If you get a chance-read it.

Being a former teacher, the first year of homeschooling, I put my one son through university. He however, was a self motivated, lover of learning. It worked well. Then came my next child to bring home. My very active, very athletic, very kinesthectic learner. He rocked my world. LOVED having my baby home from preschool - he started homeschooling in kindergarten...but there were days when I thought...I really really liked preschool, why can't he go back?

Then I finally brought my third (who incidentally is my oldest...by 2 minutes) home from public school. He came home with all kinds of learning disabilities, on the autism spectrum, but probably the one that most needed to be home all along. Finally we got to see the best of him, not the worst. Best decision I have ever made for this child...however, there are days when I wonder what in the world did I do...I am failing him.

He doesn't learn like everyone else. He doesn't learn like me. He doesn't learn how I like to teach. He stretches me. He makes me dig deep in my heart to find the thing that will help make history click in his brain. I don't always have it. (Please note that I didn't say, he makes me dig deep into my great college education because I was a teacher....NO...I must dig in my heart...a Mother's heart...that is where we find what we need to school our children - not my BA degree in Education).  We talked about it tonight. He learns better by reading...but doesn't enjoy reading. GREAT! He doesn't remember half of what is spoken (short term memory issues coupled with very non auditory learning style).

Oh how I could labor on all of these points. This morning after my quiet time, my time when I talk/listen and spend time with my Maker. He reminded me why I do this homeschooling thing.

I looked at the notebook filled with pages entitled..."The Psalms of Shane". I hear the prayers of my boy who can't remember one thing about history, but seems to recall everyone's need so he can earnestly pray for them. Then there is the child who remembers everything, who loves to read, who is sensitive to the Holy Spirit and wants to grow deeper in his relationship with Christ. My middle schooler whose heart is precious and not hurt by the social drama and pressure of our society. That is why I homeschool.

This morning, I went into their bedroom. They were sleeping ever so sweetly. I love their faces, love looking closely, just like I did when they were in their cribs. I said good morning to them. I know they were up talking last night, probably after I fell asleep. The rule is, I'll stop "good morning" them to death as soon as they say it back to me. "Good morning Mom!" "Good morning." "Good morning!" Blankets still covering their faces because I had to open the blinds. I sat on one of their beds, with Bible in hand and decided that I would wake them up with the Word. Started reading John this morning. By the time I got to chapter 4 there were thoughts and questions and comments all around and they were excited about the Word...before they even thought about Life cereal.

"The Jews then responded to him, “What sign can you show us to prove your authority to do all this?” Jesus answered them, “Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.” They replied, “It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?” But the temple he had spoken of was his body. After he was raised from the dead, his disciples recalled what he had said. Then they believed the scripture and the words that Jesus had spoken." John 2:18-22 

I've read that to them before, but they were in awe this morning. Such joy! Tonight before going to bed, my one boy comes in and says to me..."Will you wake us up with the Word again tomorrow?" Yes...that is why we homeschool.

He Is Just Misunderstood

My precious boy..and the bird we rescued!

My emotions have been all over the place today. I know it is probably pre-menopause for the most part, but I have laughed hard today and even cried a little. I felt blah then amazing. I felt like a failure and then a winner. Crazy what one day can bring.

Kyle and his snickerdoodles!

My friend Allison has planned our Homeschool Christmas party for tomorrow..and one of the things she encouraged us to do is bake cookies together with our children (thank you for that Allison). I love to bake!! I love to bake with my boys. However, my sweet and precious Kyle has never shown an interest in baking. He would rather draw, play legos, make paper airplanes....700 of them. He is such a sweet and wonderful boy...it is over him that I wept today. Tonight as he mixed his ingredients..he was very awkward. I noticed, he didn't stand right...this is not his thing. I gave him the scoop to scoop out the dough and for the life of him he couldn't figure out how to squeeze it so the dough would drop off. I demonstrated it about 5 times...I watched him struggle...I got all choked up.  I told him, how much I loved baking with him tonight. I held his hands in mine and squeezed the scoop..and out plopped the ball of dough. He was so excited...like the first time he learned to use the water fountain. Everything to Kyle is....amazing!

Always so genuinely thankful - he loves nutcrackers!

Coming home from the park one day, Kyle's twin brother says to me..."Mom, I think that Kyle is just misunderstood by people. They don't understand his ways." OH that weighed heavy on my heart.

Toilet paper contest at Grapple!

 When he was very young, before he had words (he didn't speak on his own until he was 3 years old), when he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) PDD-NOS I wanted to wear a shirt that said...please don't mind him...he's on the spectrum.

What he does with his legos...He made Cruella DeVille and some dalmatians.

 I tossed and turned about how to explain him, if I should bother explaining him. How do I explain him? Well, he is precious beyond words. He is honest and good. He has an innocent heart, one that cares deeply for all things. He loves animals and art and adores nutcrackers. He genuinely cares about people. He loves God...and really really knows Jesus. He prays like nobody's business. He sees what nobody else notices! He cares about the details!

"Oh how embarrassing" His love/hate relationship with the Paparazzi!

He use to stand on his head in new situations. No, I'm serious, that is not a figure of speech. When Kyle was uncomfortable, for many years he wore a batman mask. Yes, even to sing in the children's choir. He did grow out of that and moved on to carrying a magna doodle with him...so he can draw...when he was uncomfortable. A few years back..the boy would stand on his head..it is quite impressive. He was warming up to different situations and people by showing his talent. Now he carries a composition notebook..it helps to keep him centered.

I just had to show the detail!

 He can be very "silly", seem immature, say things just a little differently. It is his way of making his world seem...safe..when he feels out of his comfort zone. He is funny and his is very polite. Many people, many children have said unkind things to him. I think Brendan is right...he is just misunderstood.

I love this boy, his heart, his face...every single thing about him!

So..tonight as I stood by him at the table, we talked. I told him how much I loved him. How special it was for me to have him join me in something I absolutely love to do. I told him that he has enriched my world so much. He looked at me...right in my eyes (he didn't do that when he was 3 years old)..with that gorgeous smile and said "Mom, I want to be wherever you are...always. You know, you are beautiful Mom...and I love you!" I hugged him...he in his green apron, me in mine! You know what I don't care if you don't understand my Kyle. I don't care if he annoys you with his "oddness". This boy shows me Jesus...every single day! I sit here right now..with tears..running down my face..because I'm the one that is blessed. He belongs to me. Yes, he has challenges. He doesn't know everything a boy his age should know. I don't care. He knows how to love...how to treat people with respect...how to touch your heart. He's mine...misunderstood or not...his brothers, his Dad and I understand.

Thank you Lord for giving Kyle to us. May we do right by you Jesus in the way we continue to raise this boy. May you fashion him and perfect him to do whatever it is you have planned for him. May he continue to have your heart Lord...and shine Jesus wherever he goes!

We Love It Like This! (Day 1)

I decided since I will have all kinds of time not playing board games, geocaching, taking lego pieces apart with my fingernails, washing tons of laundry, fixing breakfast (2x), lunch and dinner  (insert blushing smile face) for 3 adorable and  very missed superheros, I thought I could journal my experiences...without them.

Today, I sent all 3 of my boys off to camp. (The one in the green is our friend). I've never been in my home without my children for this long. Tonight it feels like they are at a sleepover (which rarely happens but occasionally).  In preparation for their trip I did the following. Labeled every item in 3 suitcases with a sharpie or fabric marker (tedious by the way), wrote 3 cards (one to each boy) and hid that in each suitcase, wrote 3 more letters and mailed them out today (so they will get it during camp). I also spent time snuggling with each one, speaking life into them (as well as reminding them oh...100+ times about proper hygiene care) and prayed with each one for their individual experiences. UGH...starting to well up now...hold on...composing myself...ok!

My best friend Lorrie drove her van packed full of boys and suitcases. We took the 2 hour journey, and we finally arrived...along with all of our friends. The boys went crazy. I had visions of teary goodbyes and hugs. Nope. They ran off in 10 different directions while I quietly made their bunk beds. I realized as they popped in and out of the rooms and I rattled off some detailed command...that I totally micromanage them...just a bit.

They are going to be fine. The picture below is the swim test for the lake. You see you can go tubing, swim out to the doc, canoeing...it is a glorious place. I really wanted all of my boys to experience this. This was Brendan's 3rd time going to camp, but my other two..it was their first.

This would be my Kyle. He just completed his swim test (I knew then I should have not stayed). I watched, he is my...special...boy. I saw him swim out and then swim back. The lifeguard told him to get a certain color wrist band...red. He went to the next life guard and she says.."What color?" and he sweetly tells her with a beautifully big grin (and I overheard)..."Oh, I don't know, surprise me!" I piped in and said..."Kyle, she told you red." The life guard proceeds to put a red wrist band on his wrist and off he goes to join his brothers and friends out by the dock. It wasn't too long when I saw him on the shore, covering his wrist looking forlorn (see I knew I shouldn't have stayed). His twin brother was standing next to him, explaining something, so I go and micromanage investigate. Apparently you are not allowed out by the dock without a green wrist band. My heart was broken. I told him to get back in line and try again..."Do your very best Kyle...you can do this...you are a good swimmer." Then with tears in my eyes, I told Lorrie..I better leave. I couldn't handle seeing him look all rejected. It was breaking my heart.

As we walked back, I grabbed my other superhero and told him to encourage his brother. Tell him its gonna be ok. I went up to the benches by their cabin and our Children's Director, Jamie saw me sitting there....with tears in my eyes...well...lots of tears. I told her what happened and she said..they will reevaluate him...no worries. Before we left, Lorrie and I went over to the Anniversary Lodge where we always stay on women's retreats...so beautiful, so peaceful. I felt better and knew..no matter what...everything was going to be fine.

While I was in the car on my way home...Jamie texted me the above picture. HE DID IT! He got the green wrist band. There is nothing that is going to stop him now. You see, there is a part of my heart that carries Kyle just a little differently. There were times and talks about if Kyle would ever talk, would ever function in society, would ever get married, have a career...we just didn't know. We knew he had to get to know Jesus..that was the important thing. He has overcome so much in his young life...and I'm enormously proud of him. This picture was a defining moment for my week. I've entrusted him to others...others that don't know him like I do. He's going to try new things, eat new foods, swim in a lake, off a dock and probably go tubing. I can hardly contain my joy.

Ok..so what did I do besides cry today. Well, I got home to find my husband slaving over the stove for our company on Thursday. (It's complicated)...and we talked about the kids...looked at all my pictures...prayed for the Lord to move in their lives..then I wanted to go running. So I went running on Riverside Drive as my husband and dog went for a walk. We came home and...

 I had popcorn for dinner at 8:00pm. (I know, don't be jealous). We didn't have to cook tonight. Yesterday I bought some twizzlers for the boys to take to camp and I bought a little bag of black. My youngest superhero says to me..."Mom, why are you buying black twizzlers..nobody likes those?" I responded with.."Your Dad and I do! You know when you leave..we're gonna watch movies, stay up late, eat popcorn for dinner and candy for dessert!" He just stared at me in wonderment! So I didn't have twizzlers for dessert, but I did have popcorn for dinner! This was my view towards the end of my run this evening. Perfect huh?

I miss them. They light up my life. I guess I like a house full of noise. Funny, Mr. Incredible and I were married for 10 years before children came into the picture. We were quiet people...we liked it..we thought our children would be like that. They are not & we're glad, because we love it like this!

Welcome To Engeland

No..I didn't spell it incorrectly. This is a little something I wrote (thought I blogged it, but can't find it)....way back in 2007. My son Kyle was diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified) way back in 2003/2004...that diagnosis explained a lot, but totally rocked my world at the time. I have spoken about Kyle so many times...love that boy as he shows me Jesus in so many ways. I have a friend who read something that I once read...a long time ago. It blessed me way back then, just as it has blessed her most recently - It was called Welcome To Holland. When I read it, it prompted me to write something of my own. I called Welcome to Engeland!

I read it again tonight...it made me laugh. Oh how I remember those days of being misunderstood. How hard it was for me, but at the same time really loving what God was doing in me. I remember how I use to pray for a healing for Kyle. Still believe God totally heals. But what I believe was more powerful is the change God has done in my life & the lives of the rest of my family. Kyle is absolutely amazing. Does he have challenges? Of course. He still struggles, but nothing like he use to. If you ask my family (the citizens of Engeland)...we will say, Kyle has issues, but don't we all!?! That is what we say. Anyway, I thought I would share what I wrote back in 2007. In case anyone else wants to relate or needs to relate to what goes on in our world. (REMEMBER I WROTE THIS IN 2007) :)

Engeland 

By Lisa Engel

January 2007 

Engeland (kind of like England, but with the extra "e" that makes it my special country). I recently read a description that someone wrote about what it is like to have a child with a disability. It is called "Welcome to Holland". It is basically saying that when we were pregnant and waiting the day of our delivery it was like planning a trip to Italy. You get all excited about going to Italy, you read the books, talk to others who have been to Italy, you buy the clothes for your trip and you are beyond excitement after months of planning this trip and finally the day arrives for you to land it Italy and you get off the plane and the flight attendant says "Welcome to Holland". You can imagine the shock and then all the things that go into having to learn a new language, meet new people, learn new customs...... you get the idea, all the while wondering what life would have been like in Italy. If you’d like to read the full story just let me know, I can show you where to find it. There is an update to that story that someone else wrote, that brought even more comfort to my heart and that was entitled "Holland Shmolland". Basically, that having a child with a disability is not always pretty and spotted with windmills (like Holland) and yes though, we can find the joy in our lives even while in Holland, it still is splattered with trials and turmoil.


That is why I call my little country Engeland. Because no two families, no matter how close in disability you get, are never ever the same. Ours is where the Engels reside and it is unique. Sometimes I weep when I think about Kyle. Will he ever conquer the challenges in his life?


Sometimes I laugh when I think about Kyle. He is such an individual with such a sense of humor and carefree spirit because black and white just make sense. Gray is hard. In Engeland, it is tradition to wake up each morning and go through the ritual of making yourself into an edible burrito with all the toppings just to get dressed and ready for school. Literally, it is the same corny jokes and same corny story that we must tell Kyle in order for him to get dressed in a timely manner. If not in a rush, Kyle will change 3-4 times when the room is at the right temperature and his clothes will match - oh yes, blue on blue or black on black. But, the citizens of Engeland, if you ask them, they would prefer to stay in their jammies! Oh yes, and where a mask. The other day at church Pastor Tim was thrilled that Batman would grace Edgewater Alliance Church with his presence while singing on the stage.


Ever give an Engeland citizen a fruit rollup. Oh dear. Beware. It has to be straight, no wrinkles, and it needs to go on a plate and fast. First we must look at it for some time and then we must try to eat it with a fork. Yes, a fruit rollup. Don't laugh.


You see to Mike and I these are the things we do to survive in peace and unity in our country. We understand, as do my other boys, that this is just how it is here and if we work on accepting some of the "isms" that our fellow citizen has, it makes for a pleasant and sometimes hysterically fun place to live.


The other day while at Disney, Kyle had to touch every person he came close to. Just a finger, a soft touch with a finger and then move on to the next person. Oh yes, he has been in the phase of tasting things too. Have citizens of your country ever tasted the monorail at Disney before? Well, that is an experience not many have encountered. He is ours. And we love him.


In fact it blessed me today, while trying to get one of our other "citizens" dressed and off to school, I asked Shane if his best buddy was a little boy Luca in his class. Shane said, Kyle & Brendan are my best buddies too. I pray that my boys will always be best buddies. We've been invited to dinner by a newer couple in our church and Mike & I always fear that our first invite will be our last, because not everyone understands the lifestyle of the citizens of Engeland. That has never happened yet; we have in fact been blessed to have some really wonderful friends. Some of our friends even volunteer actually ask to "hang" with our children for a while. WOW! 


The truth is, that the citizens of Engeland have an enormous capacity to love. We know love, we have felt it in real ways, we have experienced it in many arenas, and we are generous-genuine sharers when it comes to love. That makes the citizens of Engeland very special and I'm so glad to be a part of this country. 


Well, two of my citizens are home now, and I must go and welcome them and go through our afternoon of lining up the pennies, eating fruit rollups with a fork, and cutting fruit snacks with scissors. I can't wait. No really, I am saying that with a smile. It's going to be a full day. Oh yea, one other thing we do real well in Engeland is sleep. After a full day here in our country we get real tired and sleep comes easy.

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If you would like to read more of my posts about raising a special needs child, or children with ASD...please feel free to search at the top for those labels (special needs child or Autism Spectrum Disorder).

My Heart - And Those Crystal Balls

I have been unable to blog for awhile. The following should explain why.

About my heart.....
Sometimes I question the ability of a heart to handle all that is put on it! These past two weeks my heart has been pulled, tugged, burdened, aching, full of love, and broken into a million pieces, but yet it still stands. Amazing. God knew what he was doing when he created a mother's heart.

Last Friday I received a phone call from my Kyle 1st grade teacher. Concerned for him, she called me first thing in the morning. I of course, was not here. By the time I received the message, it was closer to noon. The message went something like this..."Mrs. Engel, I am very concerned about Kyle, he is cry hysterical and I cannot get him to stop. He says that he wants to come home. Could you please call me as soon as you get this message." By the time I got the message, I knew that he more than likely had stopped crying. So, I called and she explained to me again, that yes he had stopped crying, but that he seemed very upset. I explained to her that Fridays are always a challenge for Kyle, just expect that he needs a little extra grace on Fridays. He is exhausted from dealing with all the stimuli all week long, plus having to get up before the sun does not help. She put Kyle on the phone and this is what I heard, in the sweetest little voice you can imagine..."Mommy, I cried very hard this morning. I cried real tears. Mommy, can you come pick me up? I just want to come home. 1st grade is too hard Mommy, I just want to homeschool with my brothers? Is Brendan working? "Yes Kyle Brendan is doing school right now." How about Shane? Is Shane doing school too? "Yes honey, Shane is schooling too." Well, Mommy please can I just come home and do school with my brothers too? 1st grade is very hard and I just want to come home!"

Can you just imagine my heart? Being pulled and stretched to its maximum capacity, it literally hurt inside my chest cavity! My baby is needing me and I knew I needed to say this, (which is what I said) "Kyle, I love you so much! You are such a strong brave boy! You are a great 1st grader!! Mommy is going to come and get you in 2 hours only and so I really need you to put your smile face on for Mrs. Garrett and show her what a brave little man I have OK?" "Ok Mommy I will see you in parent-pickup!" I hung up that phone and cried every tear I had left! As a Mommy I wanted to go running to that school and pick up my baby! He totally knows that his brothers are homeschooled and he is not. He gets that this year. He never used to really understand that! It used to be fine that Brendan had his "special school", Shane had his and Kyle had his own special school. With all of Kyle's changes this year, he is having a challenging beginning, one of which absolutely needs to be soaked with prayers (and evidently a few Mommy tears as well).

I really have sought God on this and know that for now I am trying to do what is best for each of my children individually. Right now, Kyle needs the structure of every day being the same - knowing what to expect. This helps him function a little better. Shane and Brendan have their reasons for being homeschooled as well. Believe me when I tell you, I am not homeschooling because I'm being selfish with my kids. No way, it is just the opposite. For me the easier thing would be to send them to school, but that wouldn't necessarily be the right thing for my children at this point in our lives. As far as Kyle goes, I want to bring him home too. The day will come when he is home, I believe, but for now, until he is able to mature some of those coping skills, homeschooling might not be the best option for him.

About those crystal balls and rubber balls....
As well as being a God's girl, and a mother, I am a wife, a granddaughter, a friend, a sister, a small group leader (of two groups), an AWANAs leader, a sign language teacher (for a homeschool enrichment program), a homeschooler, in charge of primary events in our homeschool group, a women's ministry vision team member, a meal team coordinator and a connextion team leader, and finally I have the role of making phone calls/house visitation to women who are interested in becoming a Christian. Whew, I'm exhausted. I love all of those things, I really do! However, I know myself, when my I am feeling a lack of grace in any of these areas, I am not operating in the will of God, no matter what those things are that I'm doing. My husband's new job keeps him away from home for a good portion of the day and night. We live with his 90-year old grandfather who is really needing more and more of my attention. (Falling down, forgetting medications, drives to Dr. appointments) - I love being able to serve him and all of my other "acts of service" too, but I'm quickly feeling the weight on my heart.

We all juggle balls, all day long! Some are delicate crystal balls, you know the kind that if they are dropped, they will shatter! Then there are the rubber balls, those are the ones that if they are dropped, they just keep bouncing and bouncing, until you (or someone else) can pick them up again. I've been trying to determine which of my "duties or services or roles" are crystal balls and which are rubber. This needs so much reflection for me. I love all of my "balls" and want to juggle all of them, but alas we were not called to be "Marthas" we are called to be "Marys". More and more I am being reminded that I need to stay here at the feet of Jesus and allow him to hand me each "ball", for He is the one who taught me to juggle in the first place. So, I may be needing to rework my life a little. Would you pray for me today? I know I am not the only one in the world who takes on too much with the best of intentions.