Silent Pain Brought to Light

Kyle, Brendan and Shane

As if the transformation from boy to man isn't difficult enough, add on the social pressures, hormonal changes, and well meaning parents and it's the making of a perfect storm.

(This post was shared with Kyle prior to my posting.)

This isn't going to be an easy post, but I feel strongly that I have a small voice and if I can help someone else....well,  you understand. This has been, hands down the most difficult year of Kyle's life. As most know, Kyle is my son who was diagnosed at 3 years old with PDD-NOS (a spectrum disorder). Recently the Lord has been revealing His Word to me as it relates to our body, mind and spirit. The Lord brought to my memory today of words I've spoken in the past - words that both Kyle and I had to reread. Here is that post - He's My Superhero.

This past year Kyle has been under certain torment. Imagine the square peg in a round hole. He was finding it easier to be "himself" among people that do not know him, that can not see him, and that only know him by the words he types on a screen. So as a parent you see a pull to this environment, you naturally want to limit his exposure because after all, "these people aren't really your friends Kyle," you don't really know who they are...they are...words typed on a screen.

So, I may not know everything there is to know about all things techy, but that is why I work extra hard to be sure I'm on and in everything my kids do. They know that with every device they have - I have the ability to access it at any given time. That's the way its done around here. I had a parent tell me that their child would not appreciate knowing that I can look at a chat that they're involved in. Well, sorry - pick up the telephone and chat the old fashioned way...I'm not listening to phone calls. We all need accountability....and they are all minors. Anyway, with that said I had read some of the most beautiful words written by my son to others in this building game that he plays. His heart for people astounds me. His heartfelt prayers for people....I know it is kind of a ministry for him. However, he was getting lost in that world. I had to help bring him back.

We went to counseling and he was/is loved by his counselor. She adores him. Kyle will tell you, he had so much anger pent up inside of him. He would lash out, uncontrollably. We started not to recognize him at all.

Mike and I tried to help him by showing him different ways to handle himself. In the most loving way a parent can, we would try to help Kyle "change" so he could perhaps be more socially accepted. We didn't understand. An example would be, Kyle had this "thing" where he would want to give everyone a high five but at the last minute move his hand so you would miss. Okay, not bad right? Well, not the first 20 times, but after a while we kept thinking, everyone is going to get so tired of this. Or his crazy dancing that he would do - people may think that is odd or goofy. So we would suggest, "hey buddy, why don't you try to mix it up a bit, surprise people, shake their hand instead." Things like that. We would try to give him alternatives. Different ways to help him, so he didn't "stand out" because he was different. We just wanted him to feel loved by others. We wanted him to feel accepted, like he had friends. We were afraid that kids were not wanting to be around him. He didn't want to go to co-op, church anywhere...he just wanted to stay home and be with his online friends.  We were just trying to get him to hold back on the things we interpreted as "unusual behavior" or "awkward".

All the while, not understanding what was happening, we were trying to squeeze this very special peg in to a box that he wasn't ever meant to fit into. Well, that's painful isn't it. When the counselor said to us, "You are probably the only people who think Kyle has to change, everybody else in that youth group, or co-op or anyone that knows Kyle is not expecting Kyle to be any different." I wept and wept. My son, who was tired of living, who told me it would be better if he were not alive and if he went to be with Jesus. My boy who smiles and makes people around him smile, was dying on the inside...and the people who love him the most were just trying to make him into something he was not. As if what he is...wasn't enough. OUCH!

He is enough. He is perfect. He is a teenage boy, with a sense of humor, a style of his own. He is this child who marches to the beat of his own drum. The same boy who drew this 5 years ago...

So, as the video shows below shows, we have embraced Kyle's uniqueness. We actually try to remember to encourage it. In this we were at a coffee house and it was 80s night. My boy got up and danced his own special dance and people just came out and joined him. He was on top of the world. So we did what any proud parents would do..we cheered him on (even though it reminded me of some 80s version of jazzercise). We laughed, clapped and cheered and it was FUN! When we got in the car that night he said, "The best part about this night was when I heard you guys cheering me on - that made me feel awesome." Lesson learned! So, we love our Kyle so much. He's going through some serious stuff, I would rather have crazy Kyle, the Kyle that God created, the one that was chosen and who is greatly loved, holy, a child of God than a boy who doesn't know who he is.

Parenting. It's not for wimps. He still has limitations on his technology, I still try to encourage other avenues of entertainment. He had a life altering encounter with the Holy Spirit while he was away at camp with our church youth group. He went up for prayer for a broken heart and he came back whole! He feels like he has friends at church now, brothers. He knows what the Lord has done for him. He wants to share his story with others. He even asked if I thought he could be a youth pastor. Ummm....YES!! I have always believed Kyle was special and unique and that God created him for greatness. I got a little lost in the every day teenage hormonal storm, but I'm standing strong now. It's not easy...I'm a human being...but every single day I rely on the Holy Spirit to get me through. I am working on "supernatural parenting" as our youth pastor would call it. I'm thankful for those that have supported us during this time, this very silent time. I encourage you, do not make the mistakes we've made. Just like Kyle never wanted anyone to ever know he spoke of suicide, we never wanted anyone to know the anguish and level of discontent we were living with either. When you put that stuff in the light, the enemy loses his power. Find people you can trust, people you know will storm Heaven on your behalf. People who will speak life over your family and over you. People who will put you in your place and tell you what is what. I'm so thankful. Kyle is still going through puberty, he still struggles with many things. No question. But I see a huge change in him. I see him trying to get past the limitations his disorder has claimed in his life. We now declare over him what God's word says. Autism Spectrum Disorder...its got nothing over my boy! He is created in the image of God, whole and perfect with a destiny that will astonish the next generation!

The Sex Talk

Shocked by the title. I know...it was hard to type too. I knew that day would come. I knew just covering "the Mum machine & the Dad machine) periodically in the Usborne Books wasn't gonna cut it! I secretly hoped that Dad could really just teach this to our boys...but alas...he is a nurse now..and works all wonky hours. So it's all up to me. (I urge you to PLEASE read all the way through as I have copied a claim by my curriculum towards the bottom of this blog...it is very important...Sonlight carries a unique edition of this book.)

Grant it, I will give this to Mr. Incredible, he did take my "oldest" (well, most mature) child out for "the talk" because we knew he would be needing to know what was going on with his hormones, his body, and the rest of the world too. We want our boys to feel comfortable talking freely with us about this important change in their lives.

Well, that didn't go so well. He was "embarrassed", said that did not count as a "Dad Date" at all, said it was all good until "Dad mentioned girls!" This coming from the child who, when he was 8 or 9, responded to me when I asked him if he thought he might get married some day by saying this...and yes..I can quote this..because I wrote it down..."Oh Mom, I'm gonna walk around and keep my hands in pockets, and if some girl picks me, I'll marry her!"

Well, as a Mom...I like the whole..keep your hands in your pockets thing!

On Monday, it was a little uncomfortable. We hadn't opened Almost 12 yet, we were just reading their science book and labeling the body parts. So one boy hid behind his cereal box, one kept reminding me he was only 9 and this was for his brothers, and the other told me he would rather clean his room or write his "final copy" of his paper on Florence Nightengale. (That's one way to get them not to complain about writing!) Oh and a side note...after teaching details about the boy's and the girl's reproductive system...my boys have a greater respect for me. They are so glad to be boys - "girls have it way worse"!

I'm glad I talked about it with them...apparently, even though we have discussed this...tenderly in the past...it didn't sink in with my two (youngest/less mature) children. They weren't quite clear on how babies were made. (Somewhere deep inside, I kind of wished I could let them live with those illusions..hoping it would keep them from ever doing some very innocent things that may progress to less innocent things! ::wink wink::)

Tuesday we actually cracked the "Almost 12" book that you see above. Very candid, very real, Some of my favorite quotes..just to give you a taste for the book were these...

"When the Lord Jesus was twelve years old it was said of Him that He grew in grace and in favor with God and man. This means that He was becoming more and more useful and well-loved by all who knew Him. I hope that this will be your experience too." ♥

After clearly explaining the process/mechanics of sexual intercourse, it says this...

"This is God's wonderful way of growing His children, and we must be careful no to spoil the glory of His plan by joking about it or thinking wrongly about these things."

It proceeds to explain what to expect your body to do and feel during this stage of life. Talks about the day that God will give the gift of love for a boy or girl who will become your husband or wife and says this..

"God has made us this way, and it is right and good. But it is also a time to be careful.....God gives the gift of kissing and caressing primarily for two people who are married. He trusts you not to misuse this gift."

It talks about the dangers for people who don't wait until they are married; physically, emotionally and spiritually as well. We praise God for His redeeming love.

Then it ends with this..."If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgment and common sense, then trust the Lord completely; don't ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success."

Actually, I want to credit my curriculum, Sonlight, once again for broaching this subject so beautifully, really all throughout their science curriculum - even from earlier ages..just enough information at the right time. They have wonderful books, from a beautiful Godly perspective that really do a great job explaining sex and marriage. However,  "Almost 12", is my favorite thus far!

I have taken the liberty to copy what Sonlight has said about this book...Almost 12...:

"Written to be read page-by-page with a child, Almost 12 follows the progress of human life from conception to birth, highlighting key facts and important moral values. With its question-and-answer section, art, photography, and easy-to-read format, children ages 10-12 will discover the miracle of birth in an effective and non-threatening way. Sonlight carries a unique edition of this title. We do not recommend the current edition from the publisher."

 
We're going to be opening this book next week: The Boy's Body Book!

We've not gotten to this book yet...next week! I think I'm more excited than my boys!

Mr. Incredible, affectionately called Dad by the young superheros, came home today as we were finishing the Almost 12 book. When we finished, the boys had questions to ask Dad too. I love, LOVE, that my husband and I can be truthful with our children. I'm glad they can see that living according to God's plan is totally possible!

Best moment of the day was when we sat around our table, held hands together as a family and my husband prayed over my boys. He prayed for the Lord to bless them, guide them through all the changes, to keep their hearts and minds pure and always conscience of the Lord. He prayed for their bodies and the changes they will experience. He prayed for them and how they should respect girls. He reassured them of his love and the love of the Father for each of them. He prayed for protection from the enemy and from outside influences. He prayed for us as parents that we would have wisdom in parenting. He prayed very specifically. There was not one giggle, not was squirm. It was precious beyond words! 

Then I prayed. I prayed for the girls that will come into their lives. For the ones who will want to court my boys. I prayed for their future wives. I prayed and thanked God for my husband and the example he is to my boys. I prayed that we would always have open communication and trust with each other. My love for them grew in a way I didn't know possible. I love and care deeply for my future men. 

(Friends, don't worry, we also talked about how this is for discussing within our family only. We explained how just like we did, other families will want to talk with their children privately too. Its for parents to explain to their children...not children to other children.)

So often we get caught in parenting the 9 & 11 year-old's...and forget that they will be men someday. It can't always be about the moment. In order to parent intentionally...we have to be mindful of the men they will someday be. 

For now, we'll "just keep our hands in our pockets" and be kids! After school today we played games, watched Star Wars, built Legos, ate pudding parfaits and had fun being 9 & 11! Childhood is too precious to rush...there will be no rushing here!

What Do You Call An Old Chicken?

Well, if the word isn't out yet, it's going to be....I'm not a young chick anymore. Nope! I am in my mid-40s and I'd like to say it feels GREAT! However, as hard as I'm working on feeling great, exercising, getting fit...I can tell you...there is this force...and its working against me. I'm afraid its called Menopause.

OK...I'm not quite here yet:

However, I am on my way. Some call it....perimenopause. Great the red squiggly line for spell check underlines the word. I wish that if Webster didn't recognize it, we wouldn't have to either, but we do.

For 10 years I struggled with infertility. Why? Because I had two horrible hormonal issues called Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome and endometriosis. I eventually had my babies, and became...."normal" or "regular" as we like to call it. I still have no thyroid as antibodies have been feasting on that since I received 8 blood transfusions when I lost over half my body's blood giving birth to my twins.  Lots of "forces" are working against my goals. As I rested today because I'm feeling...not so GREAT...I came to realize a few things and thought I would record them.

I really prayed today because I have two boys who are entering adolescence...and we been spotting some pre-puberty symptoms:  like crying for no reason, aches and pains in body, feelings getting hurt very easily, worrisome, sad or depressed feeling..blah!

My husband has been praying too. He knows that I've been experiencing symptoms like, crying for no reason, feeling sad or blah, forgetfulness, weird aches and pains, and with his vast knowledge now he knows them to be pre-menopausal.

Pray for my husband if you get a chance. If pre-puberty and pre-menopausal must live in harmony...it is going to take Divine Intervention.

 Ok...I am not a classic menopausal person. I'm not really moody or crazy, however I have noticed a few symptoms creeping into my life. In case you are wondering what the symptoms of perimenopause are or if you are not certain what that even is...let me share what I've learned.

Perimenopause, or menopause transition, is the stage of a woman's reproductive life that begins several years before menopause, when the ovaries gradually begin to produce less estrogen. It usually starts in a woman's 40s, but can start in a woman's 30s or even earlier. Perimenopause lasts up until menopause, the point when the ovaries stop releasing eggs (hence the chickens at the top). In the last one to two years of perimenopause, this decline in estrogen accelerates. At this stage, many women experience menopausal symptoms.

Some perimenopause symptoms are: hot flashes, breast tenderness, worsening PMS, decreased libido, fatigue, irregular periods, weight gain, vaginal dryness, urine leakage, urinary urgency, mood swings and difficulty sleeping. Seriously, don't you just feel sorry for women right now. At least by writing this down, I've found some joy...I'm not experiencing even half of these symptoms...but I've got some.

So here it is ladies (I'm sure any male readers dropped out way up at the top), its time to pull out the truth! I'm not in a race to get to my goals...I just want to get there at some time. The scale has been teasing me with its ups and downs. My body has been acting like it is old or tired or pregnant. (I'm not...I checked...I'm not kidding!)

I have to make a decision NOW before it gets really bad interesting. So, I've talked it over with the Lord..and here's our plan.

Regardless of what emotions are whirling around inside, by God's grace, I can choose to fix my mind on Him and, trust and obey. When I do this, I know that I will indeed experience His peace.

I will rely on His Word and promises: "I am with you always" (Matthew 28:20), "My God will meet all your needs" (Phil 4:19), "Though the mountains be shaken and hills removed, yet His unfailing love will not be" (Isaiah 54:10) "Give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thess. 5:18). So many more that directly relate to those emotions (some I've already shared with my pre-pubescent boys).

Finally instead of dreading what is to come, I'm going to choose to understand that this is the way God made me. "You created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days (YES ALL OF THEM) ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139.

So I'm not going to fight this. I'm going to keep going, keep trying to get fit and not be in a race about it. I'm not in my 20s or 30s anymore. I'm not a young "chick"! I'm hoping to keep a sense of humor and surround myself with other women that can keep me laughing! And when the time comes and I take up residence on Menopause Lane and I begin to experience more symptoms (which by the way, I'm already praying will pass  me by...why not...God can do all things)...I'm going to try to take each one with a good attitude. It's all about perspective right?

Anyway, we'll see when the time comes. Remember to pray for my family during all of this pre-stuff happening...especially for Mr. Incredible. I mean he is incredible...but we all have our limitations!