I'll Be There Tomorrow

Five years ago, 2012, I wrote this piece, "What Do You Call an Old Chicken?"  it marked the beginning of this part of my journey. Then in 2015, I was still parked in the middle of Menopause Lane, right smack in the middle of peri-menopause and I wrote this: "Private Pain".  Boy I needed to reread that again today. I know it's been almost exactly a year since I've blogged anything. I am conflicted when it comes to this forum, because I really need to be getting my book published (another one of those things I know I should have done YEARS ago)..I've stopped asking why. However, when I'm struggling with something, and I need a revelation, it often comes when I begin to write. Something tells me that typing is going to be way faster this morning. OK Lord....I need a revelation.

Well, tomorrow two surgeons are going to work together and I'm going to be having  a....(are you sitting down, I'm about to impress you with this medical mumbo jumbo) Laparoscopic Supracervical Hysterectomy with Bilateral Oophorectomy along with a Cholecystectomy.  Layman's terms: I'm getting my uterus and ovaries removed and leaving behind my cervix, then I will be getting my gall bladder removed as well. About 6-8 small incisions on my abdomen and over 560 internal stitches.

Back in February of this year I had a different doctor, she, at the very last minute (like the day before my surgery was scheduled) changed her mind and told me she was afraid to do the hysterectomy and instead gave me an ablation. The ablation, sadly didn't work, not even for one month. I've been having to get monthly iron infusions and this surgery has been a long time coming.

SO why am I emotional this morning? 

Possibly because I've seen some beautiful young women give birth this week, my babies are all growing up and I also spoke to a dear young woman who lost her second baby this week. I can't believe that 26 years ago I had a woman lay hands on my womb and tell me that the Lord wanted her to pray for me. I never knew the journey it would be for me to conceive and give birth. 10 years of infertility treatments, 14 babies in Heaven waiting for me, the greatest joys in my world are still sleeping down the hall.....and NOW I'm about to lose that womb and jump directly into menopause.

I've had endometriosis, fibroids, 100s of cysts on my ovaries, have bled all over myself and other peoples homes despite the enormous amount of protection, I've had severe pain, I'm anemic because of this and have suffered tremendously in this past year because of anemia and thyroid condition combined. IT IS TIME - I'M EXCITED ABOUT THIS!!  I really am...I'm not sure why I'm crying.

This morning in my chair I cried to Jesus. He loves me you know. He understands my hormonal mind, my womanhood, my tears,  he doesn't mind when I cry on his shoulder. Really what this entire journey (infertility and peri menopause) has taught me is that NO ONE but Jesus can really comfort your soul. Have you ever needed to be reminded of something you have said yourself? I cannot be the only one. Well, even if I am I'm okay with that. SO here I go:

Lisa, you are a child of God, take comfort in the knowledge that it is who you are the inside that matters to Him. (Prov. 31:30) You shouldn't fear the aging process.  You have the assurance that God's grace is sufficient to get you  through whatever life throws at us. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2nd Corinthians 12:9. Remember Lisa, you find your peace at the foot of the cross.

Am I afraid of the surgery. NOPE! Well, I don't look forward to that gas pain everyone keeps telling me about. The gallbladder coming out and figuring out what I can eat and cannot eat isn't too exciting either, but I have NO FEAR!

I truly think for me today, it is that I loved all things about being pregnant (and I had some very tumultuous stories too), but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I love my uterus. Even though it has caused me pain and suffering - it held my babies...all of them. I miss babies. I do. I miss that smell and feeling that comes from holding your own baby and that comfort that only a mommy can bring to their baby. ::sigh:: I know I will never give birth again, and I really don't want to, but for some reason, I guess a little part of me feels like "Gosh, I'm finally here at this place and there is no turning back to what's familiar." Isn't that like us. WOW. STOP!

WHOA! Now there's my revelation. God has great things in store for me. The children of Israel looked back in their trying times and thought slavery in Egypt was better than their journey to the promise land. NOPE! I'm not going there. I want my promise land. God has been so good to me. He's granted me the desire of my heart and now it is time to take back my health. I am excited about tomorrow and I'm believing God for a quick recovery and little to no hormonal symptoms. Either way...He's got me! OK...now I think I'm ready for my day to begin.  Tomorrow, surgery, menopause, new life, new beginnings, health....I'm ready as I'll ever be.

Private Pain

I cannot believe it has been 3 years since I wrote the light hearted What Do You Call An Old Chicken. This was the absolute beginning of my journey. My journey to....

I'm presently still camped in the long stretch of Peri-Menopause. That is a real thing. Google it. I'm updating for two reasons; one, because it helps me to do some research and to write when I'm experiencing something and two, because I believe I have a voice (albeit a small one) and if I can help anyone else who is suffering from this...it makes everything worth it.

Suffering. I don't want to be heavy, but this is actually more serious than you may think. Well it has been for me.  Three years ago when I was first diagnosed with classic symptomatic perimenopause, I had only a handful of symptoms. 

Let's say I presently have 8-9 from the left column and all 7 from the right plus a few others like (irregular heartbeat, and a sense of being overwhelmingly overwhelmed.)

These are so fun. You feel like you are on fire on the inside of your body and then it just oozes out of your pores. Best when it happens in the middle of the night and you wake up with the fan blowing your soaking wet self, sheets and pillows. 

For me the physical symptoms are not as bad as the emotional ones. To sum it up, I have cried/sobbed hard close to 3-4 times a week since September. I've run away 3 times (not getting very far), I have felt like my life was falling apart at the seams. I have kept this all inside for the most part. I have a couple friends who really know what I'm going through (and they have either gone through it or are experiencing some similar symptoms). I've confided in my husband...although it wouldn't surprise me if he recognized my symptoms before me.

Is this the same lady that wakes up in the morning, spends her time with the Lord, journals her prayers and believes God with supernatural faith? YES! One in the same. 

So that I'm not depressing you, I should put out there that I have serious thyroid issues too. When I was giving birth to my twins I lost over half of my body's blood, putting me into a coma for 4 days. I had 8 blood transfusions to help save my life. With those transfusions I inherited an antibody that ate my thyroid. I've been on medication since. Sadly, my numbers are so crazy out of whack..I'm sure this is just exacerbating the perimenopausal issue, so perhaps your journey will not look as bleak as mine.

Just look at how long that blue box is. We have to get through all of this first.

Ladies and gentlemen (if any read this) we need to be aware that when we are feeling this way (or when your wives are feeling this way) it is fertile ground for the enemy to attack. 

My husband told me that that's just what the enemy wants. He wants me to be alone like a wounded gazelle so he can devour me. I have totally felt alone and wounded...totally (but the toothless lion has yet to devour me - I'm thinking He despises the taste of the blood of Jesus - praise God!)

The truth is this is very private pain. I think its so private because we feel like we're going crazy and we don't want anyone to know it. SO if and when we can, (and that's a big if/when) we put on our happy face, suck it up and muddle through until we can get alone and cry again. I know it sound pathetic, believe me it feels pathetic, but it is really very real. 

SO now what? Well for me, I have options. I can go the medication route...and I have tried some of that. We can eat right, exercise and continue to stay on our face in prayer. I think it is important to remember some key things when we're in the middle of this. OK here is the part that I call therapy, the reason I'm writing this is first for myself remember. I don't have this mastered, I just got back from running away for 4 hours to the river first and then to a friend's house (today) where she promptly, prayed with me, then called an endocrinologist and an OBGYN.  SO I'm writing this for myself, and if you happen to be reading and need to be encouraged...it's for you too.

Encouragement #1 - although as you can see from the graph above, this process can take YEARS, but it will eventually end. My closest friends tell me - it is actually quiet wonderful when it does.

#2 - Because we are children of God, we can take comfort in the knowledge that it is who we are the inside that matters to Him. (Prov. 31:30) We shouldn't fear the aging process. 

#3 - We have the assurance that God's grace is sufficient to get us through whatever life throws at us. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2nd Corinthians 12:9

#4 - God will never leave us or forsake us! (Heb. 13:5)

#5 - Let's remember when we are feeling like we are unravelling - we need more than ever to take all of those anxieties to the Lord in prayer, seeking His wisdom and strength in order to overcome. (1 Peter 5:7)

#6 - If we're married, we should confide in our husband and communicate as best we can why we might be behaving erratically or why we suddenly cannot cope anymore. Listen, after 25 years of marriage as much as I don't like to accept the reality of it, husband's are NOT mind readers. God has the perfect design for marriage - and so if you are married, review that design in Eph. 5:25 and adhere as closely as possible to that.

#7 - If peace of mind is what you're after (and trust me we are) Philippians 4:6-7 says it best "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

#8 - Approach the throne with confidence and as often as needed! (Heb. 4:16)

#9 - Make Him your dwelling place, your refuge and He will command His angels concerning you... (Psalm 91:9-11) Running away to the river can help sometimes and/or to a friends house (I did both of these today), but be sure that your friend runs to the cross with you...because that is where I always find peace. 

Do we have to suffer in private pain? NO Do I sometimes still? YES However, I'm encouraged just by writing these scriptures down, because His Word is alive and active in me and it is TRUTH!! And we all know the truth sets us FREE!  Write down those scriptures ladies! And remember to bear with those who may be suffering in private pain - pray for them, don't be too hard on them, it will pass.

♥

Know Your Place

No pictures today. I'm going to draw them with my words...I promise.

So far, I've been awake for over 33 hours. I'm not joking. My body is adjusting to a new "help-you-get-through-menopause" medication. It is suppose to help with my emotional/mental/get-up-and-go symptoms. Well, it has been...interesting.

Went to the doctor...thinking...I don't want to take anything..I just want to talk about my symptoms and have you make me feel better. Like...by saying I'm normal. She said I was completely normal...and welcome to perimenopause.

She said I was textbook. I don't have to suffer these things (and make everyone suffer around me either) because "this stage could last up to 10 years". I started to well up (because that's what I do now...all the time), and I said "I don't want to be medicated." She said the magic words..."Don't think of it as being medicated..think of is as leveling your hormones out." OK. She gave me options. I evaluated those options. I like somethings of both...so I walked out with...both. More on that later.

This menopause phase of life can be...such a private...personal...and painful battle. Unless you've been through it...it sounds...pathetic. So..I'm choosing this forum to be a little open. It's not been pretty.  I've cried...for hours..I've been irritated easily, I've had no motivation at all and I've not been able to recover from things very well..emotionally. (that isn't even mentioning the physical symptoms).

Needless to say, I started taking the medication that is supposed to give me energy, some motivation (because I was SERIOUS lacking that!). This is how it has gone thus far.

Tuesday morning...2 hours after taking it...I fell deadly tired. I mean...like crawl into bed and nap for 4 hours...suddenly. (That was strange!) Well, we can't be doing THAT every day. Wednesday...I decide sleeping is for night time..I will take it at night. I slept pretty good. NICE. Thursday night..why rock the boat..do the same thing you did last night. I did. I've been awake and energetic ever since. YES...34 hours later..and I'm blogging. From 1:00 - 4:00 I was thinking..I wonder if they need me to rake the local parks around town..because I feel like I could do just that. Then I might run a marathon...oh whatever...triathlon! I am a little tired now..and I WILL NOT be taking anything.

So..that has been my trip so far. What is the purpose of this post...."Know Your Place"?

My husband is so dear. He takes this meat out of the freezer and I'm sure was scoping pinterest and has been salivating about red meat. Men do that with red meat. There it was, a beautiful eye round roast. I get home from co-op (remember I've not slept in well over 24 hours by this point in my day)..and I have these instructions printed for me.  That was nice of him right? Why is he wanting me to do this? I've never in my life cooked pot roast. I followed the directions carefully...and it never reached the temperature it was supposed to reach. I stuck that thing with 3 thermometers...just in case they weren't working right. Blood just came out of the holes I was making. I'm a baker...we follow the directions...always! I made a few phone calls, shed a few tears. I tried a few things...my friends...one walked me off the kitchen cliff and another friend came over and took my boys to dinner...I sat and ate the salad that I made.

I could end the story there...but it wouldn't be my transparent self that everyone enjoys so much. Children are gone...husband is sleeping...I killed the roast...so...I threw that piece of meat in a bag, got in my bed with the large bowl of salad, a diet cream soda (in a nice fancy glass) and a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!  If that doesn't scream menopause...I don't know what does!  Don't judge me! I'm working on no sleep for the past 34 hours...and attempting to make a dinner that my husband won't even be able to eat with us. I know my place...it is NOT in the kitchen....unless I'm baking. So I ask...why can't they eat cookies for dinner?

What Do You Call An Old Chicken?

Well, if the word isn't out yet, it's going to be....I'm not a young chick anymore. Nope! I am in my mid-40s and I'd like to say it feels GREAT! However, as hard as I'm working on feeling great, exercising, getting fit...I can tell you...there is this force...and its working against me. I'm afraid its called Menopause.

OK...I'm not quite here yet:

However, I am on my way. Some call it....perimenopause. Great the red squiggly line for spell check underlines the word. I wish that if Webster didn't recognize it, we wouldn't have to either, but we do.

For 10 years I struggled with infertility. Why? Because I had two horrible hormonal issues called Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome and endometriosis. I eventually had my babies, and became...."normal" or "regular" as we like to call it. I still have no thyroid as antibodies have been feasting on that since I received 8 blood transfusions when I lost over half my body's blood giving birth to my twins.  Lots of "forces" are working against my goals. As I rested today because I'm feeling...not so GREAT...I came to realize a few things and thought I would record them.

I really prayed today because I have two boys who are entering adolescence...and we been spotting some pre-puberty symptoms:  like crying for no reason, aches and pains in body, feelings getting hurt very easily, worrisome, sad or depressed feeling..blah!

My husband has been praying too. He knows that I've been experiencing symptoms like, crying for no reason, feeling sad or blah, forgetfulness, weird aches and pains, and with his vast knowledge now he knows them to be pre-menopausal.

Pray for my husband if you get a chance. If pre-puberty and pre-menopausal must live in harmony...it is going to take Divine Intervention.

 Ok...I am not a classic menopausal person. I'm not really moody or crazy, however I have noticed a few symptoms creeping into my life. In case you are wondering what the symptoms of perimenopause are or if you are not certain what that even is...let me share what I've learned.

Perimenopause, or menopause transition, is the stage of a woman's reproductive life that begins several years before menopause, when the ovaries gradually begin to produce less estrogen. It usually starts in a woman's 40s, but can start in a woman's 30s or even earlier. Perimenopause lasts up until menopause, the point when the ovaries stop releasing eggs (hence the chickens at the top). In the last one to two years of perimenopause, this decline in estrogen accelerates. At this stage, many women experience menopausal symptoms.

Some perimenopause symptoms are: hot flashes, breast tenderness, worsening PMS, decreased libido, fatigue, irregular periods, weight gain, vaginal dryness, urine leakage, urinary urgency, mood swings and difficulty sleeping. Seriously, don't you just feel sorry for women right now. At least by writing this down, I've found some joy...I'm not experiencing even half of these symptoms...but I've got some.

So here it is ladies (I'm sure any male readers dropped out way up at the top), its time to pull out the truth! I'm not in a race to get to my goals...I just want to get there at some time. The scale has been teasing me with its ups and downs. My body has been acting like it is old or tired or pregnant. (I'm not...I checked...I'm not kidding!)

I have to make a decision NOW before it gets really bad interesting. So, I've talked it over with the Lord..and here's our plan.

Regardless of what emotions are whirling around inside, by God's grace, I can choose to fix my mind on Him and, trust and obey. When I do this, I know that I will indeed experience His peace.

I will rely on His Word and promises: "I am with you always" (Matthew 28:20), "My God will meet all your needs" (Phil 4:19), "Though the mountains be shaken and hills removed, yet His unfailing love will not be" (Isaiah 54:10) "Give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thess. 5:18). So many more that directly relate to those emotions (some I've already shared with my pre-pubescent boys).

Finally instead of dreading what is to come, I'm going to choose to understand that this is the way God made me. "You created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days (YES ALL OF THEM) ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139.

So I'm not going to fight this. I'm going to keep going, keep trying to get fit and not be in a race about it. I'm not in my 20s or 30s anymore. I'm not a young "chick"! I'm hoping to keep a sense of humor and surround myself with other women that can keep me laughing! And when the time comes and I take up residence on Menopause Lane and I begin to experience more symptoms (which by the way, I'm already praying will pass  me by...why not...God can do all things)...I'm going to try to take each one with a good attitude. It's all about perspective right?

Anyway, we'll see when the time comes. Remember to pray for my family during all of this pre-stuff happening...especially for Mr. Incredible. I mean he is incredible...but we all have our limitations!