Stones of Rememberence

I don't have actual stones piled up to remind me of the things God has brought me through (like they did in the Old Testament), but I do have journals, and now blogs. Yesterday was one of those days I needed to pull out this article that I wrote over a year ago click here to read it. I needed to be reminded of what is really important.

Yesterday, Brendan received his first trophy. He was the only one to receive it, it was the Zippity Zoink Champ Trophy. What? You ask. Each Monday during AWANAS (Bible Club much like Royal Rangers, but with more emphasis on scripture memory) Brendan came prepared for club with several verses memorized. I think we added them up and there were about 63 verses total that he memorized this past year. Anyway, each Monday if you are prepared before club begins you get a Zippity Zoink. Brendan got the most Zippity Zoinks last year. I was so proud, he was so honored. His face was just beaming. Kyle and Shane and I were sitting in the seats as we watched him get his award. I looked over at Kyle and saw the tears. My heart just sank. Let me just preface this by saying while we were still at church Kyle did tell Brendan "I can't say Congrats word, so I'll say Good Job Brendan!" and they did hug. Kyle has the hardest time with understanding that everyone gets different things for different reasons. Just like he gets treasure box stuff from school that Shane and Brendan don't get, they get will sometimes get things that he doesn't get. It is painful, but it is fair.

So yesterday, he sat and compared himself again to his twin brother. (This is a relatively new thing for Kyle, he never used to see the differences and now he does). "I don't have a best friend, I don't have a ribbon, I don't have an award, I don't have any dates with friends cuz I don't have any friends, I'm not smart like Brendan....." I reminded him that he chose to stay home from AWANAS because he was tired and he got to play games with Dad and Mom and brothers didn't get a chance to do that. It was true, he tried AWANAS, but Kyle has to be on the bus at 6:54am and he really needs his sleep, so activities that require a lot of memorization and are at night are not his forte. He really struggles. He had fun at home on Monday nights. (OH and before I forget, Kyle did get a goodie bag with candy and a certificate in it!)

This just breaks my heart because he really doesn't understand. Those of you with multiples understand that it is a hard balance. I was told when they were first born, "OH you don't need two swings, or two exersaucers, just have them take turns" yea hello, step into my world for just a moment please". Well, it doesn't get much easier when they get older, the only saving grace was that Kyle didn't get it! Until recently. He has been in kindergarten for 2 years, the boy has never been invited to a birthday party from school. Shane, is in pre-K, he had about 7 invites in a two week period. Kids come to the house and ask to play with Shane "the little guy", Brendan does have a best buddy or two. Kyle is the sweetest little boy, but he is immature in many ways and that is hard when you are a kid. He is a 6 year old in someways, and he is like a 3-4 year old in others. I always thought it just broke my heart, but now it is breaking his and I am in tears.

To make matters worse, he is now wanting to inflict pain upon himself and saying things like, "I just want to die and go up in Heaven", "I just want to punch myself in the throat and choke and die and be in Heaven now." (Where does he get this stuff?) He only really says this when he is really really upset (like last night), but this is very disturbing for those of us who love him. Brendan was in tears in the van last night! I want Brendan to feel good about his accomplishments, he should be proud of himself! I want Kyle to feel good about his accomplishments and be proud of himself too, without having to compare himself to his brother. I have an appointment with Kyle's Psychologist for next month, and I am continuing to stay on my face in prayer.

Brendan asked me last night "Why doesn't God just make Kyle's brain all better?" I reminded him (and myself) that sometimes the greater miracle isn't in the healing, it is in the living every day with the challenges that you have. We do not understand the mind of God, but we must trust that He is on His throne and He is still in control. Kyle is a beautiful boy with a great capacity to love and enjoy life! If you get a chance, read "EngleLand" it gives you a glimpse into our little section of the world! Thank you Lord, for the love between my boys. Thank you that they are "Best Friends"! Thank you that they are each so individual and that you are Lord of their lives. Thanks for hearing my heart this morning! ~Lisa