Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

"Now I lay me down to sleep..." It isn't the prayer we pray before we go to bed. My children just wouldn't know the words. I never really learned those kinds of prayers myself, so I have never really taught my children to pray that way. Absolutely nothing wrong with that...it just isn't how we do it around here. I've always talked to the Lord...very personally...that is how I pray...likewise..it is how we all pray. Tonight...our prayers...were like warfare.

A year ago the 4th of July a series of things occurred that rocked my boy's world. Yes, we lived in unimaginable circumstances for too long, and yes...things were spiraling in such a direction that my son was on the brink of a breakdown.  He in fact suffered from some depression..so much so that it started to not only affect his countenance, but also his stability. It was a scary time for him and me, as his Mom. We spared no expense or time in getting him help. Six months later he was fine. (oddly enough someone just asked me last night how he was doing...with regard to those issues in his life...I told her he was doing great!)

Last night, there was a flicker of a memory of those times. He felt it, I saw it in him. I prayed silently..."Lord, please, not again. He has relief...please spare him from this internal pain...restore his joy..."

Tonight he weeps. Uncharacteristically, somewhat suddenly, not brought on by anything we can attribute it too...yet he weeps. I know that some of this is entering puberty. This is uncharted territory for me as a Mom, and for him as a son. His heart is so incredibly tender...when we pray..."Lord, guard his heart..." there is so much unsaid that I know the Lord knows.

As Mr. Incredible sat on the sofa...reading...Psalm 46...with my sweet boy curled up next to him I silently prayed. I did battle with the Enemy of our souls! Get your hands off my boy! You do not want to mess with him!! As a family of 5 we laid hands on him tonight. I reminded my boy about the strength he has because of who he is in Christ. The Almighty God of the Universe stands beside him, covers him, fights his battles for him. My boy does not have to fear when he raises his sword...the Enemy will flee...because the Enemy sees Lord encamped about my boy!

Father protect him, he fears all of those things coming back into his life...when he had no joy...when he couldn't smile. He doesn't know what is going on..."why do I feel like there is a heavy brick on my chest?" I am crying out to the Lord on his behalf. Rescue him..restore his joy!

"God is our refuge and strength,an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. 

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; 

God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolation he has brought on the earth. 

He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. 

>He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. 

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; 

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” 

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." Psalm 46

He is!

Victory!

Why am I hesitating to type? Is it because I'm about to share some personal goals, issues, and fears....perhaps. However, I do know that it is when we are vulnerable that the Lord shows His mighty strength and I as well as others can be penetrated by His Word and His Spirit. So Holy Spirit penetrate me!

In January I made the decision to join Weight Watchers...it was my time...I could feel it! It has been 16 weeks so far, and I am loving every single day! I have lost a total of 25.8 lbs since joining. I have a about 60 more pounds to lose to reach my personal goal! In February I over did it when I rode my bike for 6 miles, played racket ball two days in a row and did some weight training (all without properly stretching...yikes)! I thought I pulled my back out or something...I was in intense pain in my lower back. I tried Tylenol, ice, heat, rest...nothing took away the pain. I began just to get used to the pain. It wasn't keeping me down! I was feeling great, except for the low back pain and a low grade temperature. By late March I made it to the doctor because I still had this temperature. After some tests the doctor thought I had a very serious/advanced kidney infection. Three weeks later, different doctor, more tests....my new MD. isn't so convinced it is kidney infection (still have a temperature) but my kidneys are definitely not working properly. I am headed for a CT Scan on Thursday of my abdomen and pelvic region.

Again, I feel like in many ways this is a new beginning in my life. I feel great, I'm getting stronger, but at the same time....my body is fighting something. I just started training for a 5K today. I did the plan....it was rough...but I am going to do it! (Unless Dr. says NO!) I am planning to run the race that benefits the Louis Argitis Jr. Foundation for Challenged Children in July. I'm very excited! So why the picture up above?

I have to admit, through all of my learning about trusting this year, I am struggling with fear. Fear of what they might find in this CT Scan. Several years back they found that I had pre-cancerous lining in my uterus. I have several benign fibroids resting in uterus now and Lord knows I was a fertility patient for 10 years. A long time and a lot of meds for one body to endure! I do not want fear to creep into my mind! I rebuke the enemy....but the reality of what might be is still there. Both of my parents died very young & I just turned 40!

Up at the top of this blog is a card that my friend gave me today! That little girl is me and that BIG dog is fear! Reminding me that I hold the leash in Christ Jesus! Ironically enough...I am in the midst of writing a book that centers around a scripture that someone else quoted to me today. After this friend read Joshua 1:9, I went a step further and wanted to read the whole chapter....because of the research for my book! I had to quote this here from the Message Bible:

Joshua 1:1-9:
After the death of Moses the servant of God, God spoke to Joshua, Moses' assistant:
"Moses my servant is dead. Get going. Cross this Jordan River, you and all the people. Cross to the country I'm giving to the People of Israel. I'm giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on—just as I promised Moses. From the wilderness and this Lebanon east to the Great River, the Euphrates River—all the Hittite country—and then west to the Great Sea. It's all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you. Strength! Courage! You are going to lead this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. Make sure you carry out The Revelation that Moses commanded you, every bit of it. Don't get off track, either left or right, so as to make sure you get to where you're going. And don't for a minute let this Book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you'll get where you're going; then you'll succeed. Haven't I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take."

I have been reading through the Bible chronologically this year and I'm just finishing up Judges, 1 Samuel...there have been so many battles! If there is one common theme in all of these battles, I know that when God is in charge...the battle is won! So, here I am...still facing fear...but I hold the leash....the victory is won...I can laugh at the site of fear because I am holding on to Jesus and His word and His promise! I declare today that I will not let the enemy of my soul try to use the very Word I find comfort in to cause me to doubt my Commander and Chief! Satan has tried to do this today! I am thankful for words of scripture quoted and cards "mysteriously" purchased for such a time as this...Praise God. I am not alone....when my arms get tired during battle, and I like Moses, have a hard time keeping them lifted...I have friends who will come beside me and lift up my arms.

Tonight, I sat at this very computer mad because I felt fear...now, I'm empowered..."Perfect love casts out all fear!" Fear may be a giant...but I've got the victory! Now let me go get my slingshot and stones!