I've recently taken a very good look at myself in my photos from 2010. Noticing something, I started to compare them to the pictures of myself in 2009. It was uncanning. I would pull pictures up to the screen and look...it was my eyes. I would see myself smiling, but in 2010 my eyes tell a different story than my smile. They look tired, strained, beaten down. It is true. I'm thinking that is one of the reasons 2010 doesn't show too many blog posts either. I was most definitely going through some serious stuff in 2010.
We are about to say goodbye to 2010..and I for one, am looking forward to it! There were many blessings, please don't misunderstand. God has been so good to me, my family, our lives. No doubt. However, my husband and I were under serious attack, really from the summer of 2009 until the present.
I don't need to go into all the details at this time of some of the serious attacks that we had to endure. There were times I felt like...wow..am I going to survive this battle? Some of what we went through was so clearly the work of the enemy to try to bring us down...that is what he does best..wears on you until you are beaten down enough that you finally give in. Oh, how on this side of things now, I can totally see the benefit in hanging on to God's Word!! So much of my passion for His Truth was birthed through this past year and a half of pain. Wounds that cut deep into my heart and the heart of my my husband. To make matters worse, Mike was unemployed for a good portion of these months. So add that circumstance to an all out onslaught of "twilight zone" type of attacks...you could possible see why my eyes might read: worn out!
Why these pictures? Most recently, this past week in fact, life has changed dramatically once again. While the changes are good on one hand, it still leaves this family in a place of holding. I understand how powerful the tongue is, as words that have recently been spoken that have literally attempted to tear my husband's heart into shreds. It has been most difficult for me to watch and hear, and know that those same thoughts are for me as well.
After calling someone to share good news about a family situation, my husband was deflated! He shared that conversation with me and afterwards we got on our knees and laid it at the altar. While I was on my knees, next to this man I've been married to for almost 20 years, it hit me, how many times we have knelt at this very place over the past 18 months? Grateful to a Father in Heaven to truly fights our battles and gives us supernatural abilities to forgive. Praise you Jesus, without that I am pretty sure we would not have survived. After praying, my husband puts his arms around me and says this: "You could have married anybody 20 years ago! Someone with a good steady job, making money, with a family who loves him and you! You could have had a house with decent carpeting and windows that work and aren't a danger to your children! You could have gone on vacations, and not have to be stuck here because of our situation, not able to get away even for a night with your family! You could have...."
I turned to this man, that I married on December 15, 1990, held his face in my hands, looked him straight into his tear filled eyes and with my own tears running down my face said this: "There was never and will never be a man on this earth that could be better than the one I am looking at right now! If I had married "anyone else", I wouldn't have the three most amazing gifts from God (my boys)! I am fully aware of the value of things eternal!! I have a husband who I can kneel at the side of our bed and take our burdens to the altar with! I have a husband whom I find sitting in his chair in the morning with the Bible opened up...and sitting next to him is his 9 year old son with his Bible opened too! I have a husband who is a Godly example for our sons! I have a husband who is not afraid to be silly and play games with his boys!I have a husband who lovingly cares for his 92 year old grandfather and actually gets joy from do so! I have a husband who goes out of his way to minister to the very people who have hurt him so deeply. A husband who is obedient to the Lord and His Word, even when the world would think he is insane! I have a husband who makes it a priority to pray for people and demonstrates that in his own home, with his own family! These are the things that are of worth! I don't care about windows that don't work, I don't care about carpeting that is horribly disgusting, I don't care about family/relationship drama, I care about the things that matter, the things that matter for eternity!! I have the utmost respect for this man I have had the honor of calling my husband for the past 20 years! I'm pretty sure that the Lord is pleased with this man as well!
Lord, may 2011 bring us joy not only in our hearts, but in our eyes too! Thank You for Your amazing love and for the man You gave me 20 years ago!