Five years ago, 2012, I wrote this piece, "What Do You Call an Old Chicken?" it marked the beginning of this part of my journey. Then in 2015, I was still parked in the middle of Menopause Lane, right smack in the middle of peri-menopause and I wrote this: "Private Pain". Boy I needed to reread that again today. I know it's been almost exactly a year since I've blogged anything. I am conflicted when it comes to this forum, because I really need to be getting my book published (another one of those things I know I should have done YEARS ago)..I've stopped asking why. However, when I'm struggling with something, and I need a revelation, it often comes when I begin to write. Something tells me that typing is going to be way faster this morning. OK Lord....I need a revelation.
Well, tomorrow two surgeons are going to work together and I'm going to be having a....(are you sitting down, I'm about to impress you with this medical mumbo jumbo) Laparoscopic Supracervical Hysterectomy with Bilateral Oophorectomy along with a Cholecystectomy. Layman's terms: I'm getting my uterus and ovaries removed and leaving behind my cervix, then I will be getting my gall bladder removed as well. About 6-8 small incisions on my abdomen and over 560 internal stitches.
Back in February of this year I had a different doctor, she, at the very last minute (like the day before my surgery was scheduled) changed her mind and told me she was afraid to do the hysterectomy and instead gave me an ablation. The ablation, sadly didn't work, not even for one month. I've been having to get monthly iron infusions and this surgery has been a long time coming.
SO why am I emotional this morning?
Possibly because I've seen some beautiful young women give birth this week, my babies are all growing up and I also spoke to a dear young woman who lost her second baby this week. I can't believe that 26 years ago I had a woman lay hands on my womb and tell me that the Lord wanted her to pray for me. I never knew the journey it would be for me to conceive and give birth. 10 years of infertility treatments, 14 babies in Heaven waiting for me, the greatest joys in my world are still sleeping down the hall.....and NOW I'm about to lose that womb and jump directly into menopause.
I've had endometriosis, fibroids, 100s of cysts on my ovaries, have bled all over myself and other peoples homes despite the enormous amount of protection, I've had severe pain, I'm anemic because of this and have suffered tremendously in this past year because of anemia and thyroid condition combined. IT IS TIME - I'M EXCITED ABOUT THIS!! I really am...I'm not sure why I'm crying.
This morning in my chair I cried to Jesus. He loves me you know. He understands my hormonal mind, my womanhood, my tears, he doesn't mind when I cry on his shoulder. Really what this entire journey (infertility and peri menopause) has taught me is that NO ONE but Jesus can really comfort your soul. Have you ever needed to be reminded of something you have said yourself? I cannot be the only one. Well, even if I am I'm okay with that. SO here I go:
Lisa, you are a child of God, take comfort in the knowledge that it is who you are the inside that matters to Him. (Prov. 31:30) You shouldn't fear the aging process. You have the assurance that God's grace is sufficient to get you through whatever life throws at us. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2nd Corinthians 12:9. Remember Lisa, you find your peace at the foot of the cross.
Am I afraid of the surgery. NOPE! Well, I don't look forward to that gas pain everyone keeps telling me about. The gallbladder coming out and figuring out what I can eat and cannot eat isn't too exciting either, but I have NO FEAR!
I truly think for me today, it is that I loved all things about being pregnant (and I had some very tumultuous stories too), but I would do it again in a heartbeat. I love my uterus. Even though it has caused me pain and suffering - it held my babies...all of them. I miss babies. I do. I miss that smell and feeling that comes from holding your own baby and that comfort that only a mommy can bring to their baby. ::sigh:: I know I will never give birth again, and I really don't want to, but for some reason, I guess a little part of me feels like "Gosh, I'm finally here at this place and there is no turning back to what's familiar." Isn't that like us. WOW. STOP!
WHOA! Now there's my revelation. God has great things in store for me. The children of Israel looked back in their trying times and thought slavery in Egypt was better than their journey to the promise land. NOPE! I'm not going there. I want my promise land. God has been so good to me. He's granted me the desire of my heart and now it is time to take back my health. I am excited about tomorrow and I'm believing God for a quick recovery and little to no hormonal symptoms. Either way...He's got me! OK...now I think I'm ready for my day to begin. Tomorrow, surgery, menopause, new life, new beginnings, health....I'm ready as I'll ever be.
