Nothing!

I absolutely LOVE the Word of God. Romans 8:38-39 is a powerful scripture that reminds us that there is NOTHING that can separate us from the LOVE of God. Too many people feel like they've done way too much for God to ever give them a second chance, or that they've used up all of their "2nd chances"! I think the Message Bible puts this scripture in just the right way...for everyone to understand what it is saying. So, I've simply copied this scripture from the Message for you and I to read:

So, what do you think? 

With God on our side like this, how can we lose?

If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? 

And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? 

Who would dare even to point a finger? 

The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. 

Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! 

Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: 

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We’re sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. 

I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

Powerful right? You shouldn't have any doubts about whatever situation you are in...He's not letting go of you...at all! Nothing is going to get in His way of LOVING you and me!

OH how He loves us & NOTHING is going to hold Him back!

My Story For His Glory

As difficult as it was to put one part of my story in writing, the overwhelming response to that post made my heart move to tears. The truth is we are all walking around with a story. 2 Corinthians 1:4 tells us "He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." Unless we share, no one will ever know. 

It is sad enough when people judge others by they way they act in the moment, but even more sad when people judge when you are being genuine. It is true. I once had a student of mine call me on the carpet. I knew her life was difficult, but as her teacher I had to be firm with my boundaries for her own sake (I had been there myself to a certain degree). I pulled her out into the hall because she was screaming at me in front of my class, pointing her finger in my face and shouting..."You don't know what it is like to be me!! You sit there and you know nothing, you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you don't know pain!" I looked in to her eyes that were full of hate, and I put my hands on her shoulders and said, "You don't know my life either. My Dad left my Mom too, I was sexually abused, I lived on my own for two weeks when I was 6 years old, I watched my Mom endure pure violence to save me, I had to live among drug addicts and drug dealers, I lost my Mom when I was 11 and my Dad when I was 26 years old. I have lost 14 babies trying to get pregnant - and I have never had a silver spoon sweet girl! I have LOST a lot in my 30 years of life, however, I did find something along my sad journey....I found Jesus!"  I told her my whole life store sitting on the ground in the hallway outside my Accounting class. Her mascara ran and mixed with her tears and ended up staining my blouse because she found hope as I held her in my arms. That young girl had more abortions than one could imagine by the time she was a senior in high school. She decided to keep the baby she was carrying, and I saw her through that whole pregnancy...all the while I was dreaming of having one myself. I loved her with the love of Jesus and she found hope!

Who might find hope in your Grace story?

A long time ago, I wrote a poem that told my story, but hid the details. I didn't want any glory going to the details...just the beauty that came from the ashes. You can read it by clicking on the title "My Rescuer" and it will bring you to that directly. However, after getting so many emails from my last post I knew I would have to fill in the gaps. So many questions, so many people who could see hope for themselves and others that they know. Thank you for your responses. May the gaps I am about to fill in help even more people in whatever circumstance they are in, may His story in me continue to bring HOPE!

A few years ago, my cousin who lives here in Florida told me about the years of my life prior to my Dad leaving my Mom. He didn't always live with my Mom. I guess it was an on and off kind of thing. She told me that she and her Mom (my Aunt) would take me on occasion and bring me to their house to visit. Apparently, I would be so dirty. She said at one point I had impetigo so badly. They would have to soak me and bathe me every time I would visit. I was so "unkempt". She and my aunt would teach me to be a "lady". They would take me out to dinner and taught me manners. My cousin (who is 70 years old today) told me that I had the foulest mouth as a small child. Would use words that were straight from the gutter. This shocked me so much when she told me. I actually wept. I wept for this little girl, under 5 years old who apparently was living in an environment that was conditioning her. I have no memory of these years at all. In fact it shocked me so much because I don't EVER curse. It just isn't a part of me at all. My high school students use to wait to hear me slip up and I would laugh at them because it just was going to be so disappointing because it wasn't natural for me at all to use foul language. They were never able to catch me slipping, because I would never slip. Again...the redeeming love of the Father.

I will not rewrite what was already written, so you might want to read "They Took My Place" first as I will pick up with after we fled from the violent alcoholic man, who somehow managed to work his way into our lives time and time again, and we made it all they way to California.

My mother had little to no money at all. I will write what I remember, some details I'm sure are gone, but what the Lord allows me to remember is what I will share. We ended up in the projects of Los Angeles. Now, this was the early 70s, I was in 1st grade. What I'm about to share will probably shock some of you because times are very different now.  My Mom and I lived on the first floor of a high rise hotel like building. It was dirty, it was noisy and there were some serious characters that lived in that building. A woman named "Chocolate" who was a prostitute, lots of drug dealers, stabbings, theft, children, and even a Christmas Tree are all the things/kinds of people I remember living among. Oh and roaches - roaches in the toilet and in the Murphy bed where I slept with my Mom. Those of you who know me, can perhaps understand my extreme dislike of bugs. :)

My sister got pregnant and was having a baby and living with someone at this point, so it was just my Mom and I living here. Every day it was the same routine, I got up to the alarm clock beeping, got dressed, walked to school with all the other kids in the building. One day, something happened to my mother. They were rushing her to the hospital. I remember hiding among all the chaos, then they left and I was alone. I was 6/7 years old. She was gone for two weeks. I know it sounds horrible, but I did continue to go to school. I set my alarm and followed my routine every day. (I was a teacher for 10 years in the public school system as an adult. Taught how to see signs of abuse or neglect and required to report it. I'm sure I looked hideous every day, but perhaps coming from the projects in Los Angeles a girl like me was really no surprise.) People checked in on me, you know the people that I mentioned above. I can remember people walking by my open door. I remember eating pickles. I'm sure those same people gave me some food. I went to other rooms with other people. I ate cows tongue for the first time during this period. The same people who served me cows tongue for dinner, also educated me on human anatomy by showing me pornography. Yes. I was just in 1st grade.

One of the boys I walked to school with said his parents said I could come for dinner, they were going to have pancakes. (I know, I remember the smallest details - sometimes that happens when something traumatizing happens). I went to his house, had pancakes and his Mom had to go to work. She worked the night shift. We played with some of his toys, I remember having fun. His Dad said I could stay the night. I thought that would be great. I was all alone after all. We went to bed. I generally never really slept very well. The boy fell asleep so fast. Later his Dad came in to check on us and told me I could watch TV with him since I couldn't sleep. This ended up being the longest night of my life. Even now nausea waves over me. He proceeded to force me to do things that absolutely no little girl should EVER have to do. He did not take my virginity that night, but the things he made me do were horrific. He told me if I ever told anyone, he would "make sure my Mommy would die." Where I came from...I believed him. It went on for hours and hours...and he finally "zipped up" when his wife came through the door the next morning.  I never told a soul..until I was around 17 years old.

Much of what happened in California after that is more of a blur. I remember being home in New Jersey in time to spend the summer before 2nd grade with my Dad. I was 7 years old and he and his wife both worked. So they sent me to Camp. They went through the phone book, found a "Christian Camp" and figured, it was Christian so it must be safe.

It was a day camp. I LOVED IT! Camp Shadyrest (sounds more like an old folks home). We played, sang songs, heard stories and swam the whole summer long! One day, as we sang the song Trust and Obey and they had the words on story boards (before the time of overhead transparencies) I remember how the picture of the little blonde girl praying for her Mama just moved me. "Trust and Obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, than to trust and obey!" After the song, the leader said that we could have a personal relationship with God through His son Jesus. If we pray he would answer. He made blind people see, He healed the sick and he answered prayers. This little blonde 7 year old girl needed to know this Jesus! Perhaps He would hear my prayers and heal my mother as she was always sick and always going into the hospital. I remember running, not walking, not being shy...running to meet this Jesus. I also remember going home that day and telling EVERYONE I knew. I told my Dad and his wife, my friends! I was so happy. They told me that I should find a church. So my Dad's wife found me a church and she dropped me off and picked me up every Sunday. I learned memory verses and songs and just was the happiest little girl! I even held little Bible camp meetings in my own back yard. I would get extra papers from Sunday School and invite all my friends and we made a tent with a blanket and I would repeat the lesson to my friends every Sunday after church. Sadly, all good things must come to an end. Before I knew it my Mom was planning a move to Arizona. I was on a plane with my mother, sister and niece - and we live together for the beginning of my 3rd grade. I went to two different schools in Arizona. That makes 6 schools in all and I was in 3rd grade. It's a good things I make friends pretty easily.

Arizona we lived in another roach infested apartment. My sister dabbled in witch craft at the time - I remember a coffin in our living room at one point. So scarey. Well, that is until the violent alcoholic, who we were constantly running from, found us. Until then, I didn't know scarey. This is when I lived in constant terror. You can read this part of my story in "They Took My Place."

When my mother sent me back to New Jersey, I knew my Dad was trying to get in touch with me. He always tried to stay in touch, write me letters, want to send me things. We lived in so much fear, the man we lived with had guns, he threatened to kill my mother, my father. The threat was very real, as I never knew if my Mom would live through another beating.  I mentioned that sometimes I remember such minute details. Oddly enough at this point in my life 8/9 years old I was able to mix drinks for this man first thing in the morning or whenever he would ask. He taught me, and I learned...if he didn't like it, my Mother could very well get beaten. I was an incredible bar tender in 3rd grade. This however, is one of the things I cannot recall. I couldn't tell you the name of an alcoholic drink for the life of me. Seriously. NOT a clue as to the names of any alcohol. Crazy right? I'm thankful. :)

My Mom did send me back to live with my oldest sister and I was to be allowed to see my Dad on weekends. I did just that. I won't go into too much detail about this time in my life. Out of respect for those I love who really were just part of the Enemy's plan to mess up this little girl. His plan was foiled so I will not share some of my pain during this time. I do remember wanting to stay with my Dad more often. I also remember when 4 grade was rolling around, no one was sending me back to my Mom. My Mom was not sending for me either. I ended up staying with my sister and her family and attending the local catholic school. I absolutely have always loved school, no matter the circumstances in my life. School was my sanctuary, my safe place. I'm quite sure that is the number one reason I became a teacher.

I would be able to continue to visit my Dad and that made me happy. In his house, I had a bed time, there were rules and discipline with love. It is very true what they say. Children may fight the boundaries you put out there for their benefit, they may push the lines that were drawn, but in the end...as children, they crave boundaries. I can promise you, children feel safe and more secure when they are kept within loving boundaries.

One day while I was in line at school waiting to go to chapel, I saw my Dad. It was very exciting because he never came to my school before. That day would set a course in my life that, while it was so difficult for a 4th grader to deal with, it was God's plan to set this child on a path of healing. My father took me out of school that day and I never returned to my sister's home. He proceeded with plans to adopt me. While he was my birth father, remember my parents were never married, so he had to go to court to get legal rights for me to live with him on a permanent basis. I would be going to court a lot. The nuns from my school would volunteer to sit with me in the sequestered area of the court room and play with me until it was my time to speak. Our lawyer was amazing. She seemed to really love me and want what was best for me. It was my day to speak in court. "Who do you want to live with?" So so difficult for a little girl who loved her Mommy and her Daddy so much. I felt deeply loved by both of my parents. Even though I was young, I was very aware of the sacrifices that my Mother had made to keep me safe. I know this was absolute agony for her. As a mother today I cannot imagine possibly losing my baby! I had to look at all those grown ups and say who I wanted to live with, yet still wanted to make sure that they all knew my LOVE was EQUAL! I told the judge I wanted to live with my Dad, because I was "afraid my Mom might die, then what would happen to me"? The judge ruled in favor of my father and by the time I was 11, I was adopted and I took on his last name.

My mother had visitation rights. I would visit with her every other weekend at her brother's farm in NJ. I loved it there too. My Uncle and Aunt loved me very much. On one visit I remember so clear as if it were yesterday. Mom and I were sitting in the living room of my Uncle's home and we were doing a jigsaw puzzle, she looked at me, deep into my soul, with eyes of such great love and said..."Are you happy sweetheart? I just want to be sure you are happy!" As I type those words, tears are streaming down my face and I'm sitting here sobbing, because I know the deep love she had for me. "Oh yes Mommy. I get to go to the same school for 2 years in a row. I'm so happy." These would be the last words my mother ever spoke to me. Right before my next weekend, my mother had a brain aneurism and slipped into a coma and died. My Uncle and Aunt told me that her very last words to them were..."Please, just make sure my baby is ok!" I'm ok Mama!

Her death would cause a great divide in my family. My sisters were hurt, devastated, and in fact blamed me for her death. I was told that because of what I said in court my mother's heart could not bear it, that was what did her in. I carried that with me for a long time.

Many years pass. I lived a normal life (estranged from my mother's side of the family for much of my school life). I went back to the church that we had found when I got saved. I was discipled by the children's pastors, Elaine and Joe Gibilisco. They walked me through a difficult recovery time when my Mom passed away. Then my youth pastor was an incredible man. He taught me to study the word, to pray, to rely on God, to strengthen my relationship with Him. I had friends and we were serious about growing in our faith. Those years in youth group were pivotal to who I am today. I was taught early how to evangelize. I witnessed to my Dad. I wanted to see him saved. My step mother finally got saved and started to go to church with me. My Dad was a bit more stubborn.

My Dad finally did accept Christ as his Savior 9 months before he died of esophageal cancer. His story is a part of my Apple of His Eye series.

I went to college. The only one in my family at that point to ever go finish high school let alone go to college. I got an associates degree and moved away to obtain my bachelors. I was 20 years old when I met Mike Engel. I remember telling my Dad I wanted to marry someone just like Mike Engel. His heart for God was the most beautiful thing I have ever beheld. His love for Jesus and the lost were so incredibly attractive to  the spirit within me. I knew that if I were to ever marry...I would want a husband like him. Never thought that he would "pick me" and we would start to date in February of 1990, get engaged 4 months later and be married 6 months after that. If interested you can read that love story here: Step Into The Time Machine.

We were married and I completed my education to become a teacher. We tried to have a babies for 10 years and I kept having miscarriage after miscarriage. We struggled with infertility for all those years, trying to get pregnant. There are many places I talk about this experience in this blog...There Is A Time for Everything is one place you can read about it. We have 14 babies in Heaven waiting for us someday. Today, married for 24 years to Mr. Incredible (Mike Engel), I have the privilege of homeschooling my 3 sons. One son, who was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (an autism spectrum disorder) and who is showing improvements. I am blessed and honored as my boys continue to show me Jesus every day. They are my priceless gifts from God.

My story is long, (I apologize) and it was difficult to write not because the memories are too painful to bear, but because by God's grace in my own life, I have forgiven some very special people for the events that occurred that were not within my control as a child. I don't want them ever to feel like I'm removing their scabs. You see, me, I have no scars. When the blood of Jesus covers you and you let Him have every single part of your story...all the parts, even the secret parts...He heals! Oh, He doesn't just put a bandage on the wounds, He heals them completely, no scabs to peel off again and again, no scars left behind no matter how deep the wounds. He really makes you whole, you really are a NEW creation. Sometimes all it takes is taking your hand off the wounds and letting Him at it.

In the first paragraph I mentioned a verse,  2 Corinthians 1:4 "He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." It is my greatest desire and hope that if you are reading this, my story can bring you Hope. Please, do not feel sorry for me. I am fully aware that my story was written by the very Hand of God. He knew me before I was even born the Bible tells me. My life was in His Hands. He literally had me in His palm of His hands. How can that be you ask? Yes, I was still abused sexually, mentally, this was no life anyone would want for a child. You could say I was a victim of several horrible things. HOWEVER, this is not where my focus is, nor should yours be for me. You see, I could have chosen a long time ago to be a victim of my circumstances. I could have chosen to try to get retribution for what happened to me. I could blame the adults in my life for making bad choices. I could be bitter today. I could have made really bad choices growing up and you would say...."well, it's not her fault...I mean look at the life she had." HOWEVER. I CHOSE to be victorious instead. I CHOSE to give Christ a chance to heal my wounds, to redeem me by His great love. After all, that is why He came to earth to begin with. I have lived a life full of miracles and wonder. My children are able to grow up seeing the hand of God in our everyday lives. He continues to provide for our needs. Do bad things still happen? Absolutely. There has been much pain even in my life as an adult. But I am safe under the wings of my Savior. He is my Protector, He is my Rescuer. I'm whole! I'm Healed! I'm Free. Memories do not haunt me. I no longer live in fear. I know who I am in Christ and I believe every word He says about me!

Today, if you have children who have made bad choices and have gone on a path you would never have chosen for them. Don't give up. Pray for them. If you are struggling today as a single Mom and worry that your children will never be what you hoped them to be because your life, or the life you are giving them is less than ideal. Please, remember my story. He is our Redeemer. He loves your children more than you do. No matter what the circumstances of our lives are...His Word remains true. It is NEVER too late to CHOOSE LIFE! We most certainly can have joy in our journey. I'm a living testimony to that very truth. I heard it once said that the Lord never wastes pain. He has written my story (and continues to do so)...and it is all for His Glory.

This is legacy my Jesus leaves for His children:

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the suffering and afflicted. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted, to announce liberty to captives, and to open the eyes of the blind. He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of God’s favor to them has come, and the day of his wrath to their enemies.  To all who mourn in Israel he will give: beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness. For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory.....Instead of shame and dishonor, you shall have a double portion of prosperity and everlasting joy. Isaiah 61:1-7

They Took My Place

I started to write this post last night - I have completely erased my original post because I know I'm suppose to write this one. This morning when I woke up, the Lord placed a memory in my heart/mind, one that I try not to think about all that often. It is a major part of my story, but it is indeed one of the many painful, if not the most painful part of my life (as some of you know...there are many parts to my life that are extremely painful this is just a small part of one - all which have been made new by the Cross!) As I lay there seeing all of this happen as if it were yesterday, literally tears streaming down my face I thought "Lord, why must I think of this today?" As painful as it was to see those images before my eyes so early this morning, I'm grateful. I have never written this part in detail, I have shared it publicly, but even now as I sit at the keyboard, to write it is almost painful. Please, bear with me, there is a point that I'm trusting the Lord wants to get to for whomever would read this post. Here is this part of my story: (forgive the length...background is necessary)

To be caught in the vicious cycle of abuse perplexes the minds of many. Why would you go from one abusive relationship to another? It makes no sense. She was married to an alcoholic. I never met him, I wasn't born yet. She gave birth to their two daughters. I'm not sure what life was like, but I can only imagine. They divorced and she tried to make it on her own, just her and her girls. Several years later she met another man. Oddly enough he was a decent man. I'm sure he had his flaws (don't we all). These two never marry, but they have a baby together. She named her little girl Lisa.

My Dad was a good man, but he did not stay with my Mom very long. He walked away from the turmoil that was going on in that house. He wasn't cut out for 2 wild teenage girls and a crazy household. Oh he loved me...no doubt. (I've written about that in my Apple of His Eye series). I remember the day he left. I was only 5 years old. (Don't think children do not remember when things like this happen. We carry that around with us.) My mother sat on the edge of the bed, weeping. I searched for tissues to wipe her tears. I remember kissing her face, I can almost taste the salt from her tears right now.

She tried to make it on her own, she just couldn't. She let another man into her life. One I think she may have had relationship with before she met my Dad. His influence in our lives would literally send my family into hiding. I'm sure my mother struggled to make ends meet and she was very sickly. She worked in a factory and did the best she could. I'm confident that she thought she needed him to survive, to feed her family, so she endured the next several years.

My first memory of this man's violent alcoholic rage was when he held the arm of one of my sisters and poured boiling hot water all over her arm. Fear is where I lived from that point on.

He was extremely violent. My mother endured her very own hell, but when it came to her children, I know she felt the need to protect as best she could. We tried to escape his wrath. To the best of my memory, we left in the middle of the night life refugees. With the clothes on our backs we walked out of our house (my mother and my one sister...the other was married at this time). We took shelter for our tired feet on the steps of an old catholic church. Soon we found ourselves an abandoned barber shop where we made our home for several days. We basically squatted until my Mom was able to find a way to fly the three of us to California - the farthest she could possibly run away.

California added a whole new dimension of terror for me personally. That is for another time. My poor mother struggled in California. We lived in the projects of Los Angeles. There for 2 weeks as a six year old girl I lived absolutely alone while my mother was in the hospital because of a heart attack. My sister gave birth to a beautiful little girl in California. The one and only good thing that came from this particular experience. We left within a year. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. The secrets I had to hold onto would torture me until the day I met my Jesus, He rescued me and healed my wounds.

Actually, it was that particular summer...after we returned from California that I met Jesus at a Christian Camp. Another story for another time.

I spent the summer after 2nd grade with my Dad, met Jesus, and even went to Sunday school, but before I could get comfortable my Mom, sister and niece and I were on our way to Arizona. I'm sure it was to run from that man again. In Arizona, my mother's health was so bad. There were long periods of time I just lived with my sister, in roach infested apartments. Until one day, on my way home from school in the 3rd grade, I saw the man. He had found us. I remember feeling frozen sick on the inside while the Arizona temperatures were 113 degrees. Why? How? It didn't matter. My mother and I moved into a trailer with him.

He was a violent alcoholic. For no reason at all, he would drink in excess and night after night find some excuse to beat my mother to unconsciousness. There were routinely, many nights I would lie in my bed, shaking, not able to sleep. He was out and my mother would lie next to me, rubbing my back, trying the best she could to help me sleep. Then I would hear the door and I would want to vomit. He would stumble in, and come in my room, reach for my mother's long black hair and literally drag her out by her hair. Then he would come pick me up and throw me on the couch and proceed to tell me all of my sins. Everything that I did that was wrong that day, and explain it was because of these things that my mother would be punished. Things like I had left the door open and a fly flew into the house, or I had licked my ice cream cone the wrong way. The blood. I remember the blood splattered all over the tan carpet. My mother's face disfigured. I held my ears and rocked back and forth. At first she would scream and fight, but after many, many nights of this same violence, I think a part of her had died inside. She would take the beatings as I sat and held my ears and eyes closed. Until the wrath was complete for the night, I would wash her up and place her arm over me and hide my body under hers on the carpet. Morning after morning I was forced to mix his drinks at his bar. I became a very good bar tender at the age of 8/9. If I messed this up, my mother would suffer dearly. This went on until my mother sent me away for the summer, back to my other sister for a time of respite. For me? For her? Perhaps for both of us.

I didn't realize it then, but that woman took beatings and shed blood that, in the mind of a very sick man, was really meant for me. I know that no one really deserved these beatings, me or my mother. The offenses were not real offenses, they were just the warped thoughts of a raging alcoholic. But I imagine that my understanding of what Christ did on the cross of Calvary was very easy for me to accept because of my mother's example of pure love to me. Willingly she took such great abuse to save her daughter. He never laid a hand on me except to throw me on the couch, but instead my fragile mother carried scar after scar for me.

The difference between my mother's abuse and my Jesus' death, was that it really was my sin that He carried on the cross. We are all born in sin. You may be a good person, you may be a victim, but the fact remains that we were born in a fallen world and a Holy God cannot look upon sin. That is why God gave His Son as a sacrifice, to take our place once and for all! We are unable to come to the Father in Heaven but by the shed blood of His one and only Son Jesus. Jesus endured the cross for me. He saved me. For eternity.

If you have stumbled upon this blog I need you to know this truth, this good news.

No amount of human goodness could ever be as good as God. God is perfect righteousness. Because of this, Habakkuk 1:13 tells us God cannot have fellowship with anyone who does not have perfect righteousness. In order to be accepted by God, we must be as good as God is. Before God, we all stand naked, helpless, and hopeless in ourselves. No amount of good living or good works will get us to heaven or give us eternal life. What then is the solution?  God is not only perfect holiness (whose holy character we can never attain to on our own or by our works of righteousness) but He is also perfect love and full of grace and mercy. Because of His love and grace, He has not left us without hope and a solution. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Because of what Jesus Christ accomplished for us on the cross, the Bible states “He that has the Son has life.” We can receive the Son, Jesus Christ, as our Savior by personal faith, by trusting in the person of Christ and His death for our sins. John 1:12 But to all who have received him--those who believe in his name--he has given the right to become God's children.

Salvation is a FREE gift and it is the sole reason Jesus died on the cross.  The entire time, he had you and I on his mind. If you would like to receive and trust Christ as your personal Savior, you may want to express your faith (belief) in Christ by a simple prayer acknowledging your sinfulness, accepting His forgiveness and putting your faith in Christ for your salvation. This is the reason we remember the cross on Good Friday. This is the reason we celebrate His resurrection on Sunday. He rose again...so that we might ALL have life!

What Might Happen?

Well, my boys have a retreat coming up in a few weeks and its entitled "Unplugged".  I'm assuming that they are going to be focusing on how to get plugged into Jesus or something of that nature. As much as I would like to say that my children love reading and don't really like wasting their time on video games, DS systems or tablets...I would be lying. Don't get me wrong, a couple of my crew really do enjoy reading.

My husband and I try to keep an eye on how long they play any of their devices. Of course they can't touch their electronics until school is done, but lets be perfectly honest here...it is not easy keeping tabs...ALL the time. I work out of my home, and my children are left to their own devices (pun intended) while I'm giving guitar lessons. If they are on their electronics, I know my house is going to stay clean (and food will be left in the cupboard) - so sometimes its a fair trade.

This electronic generation is struggling to use their imaginations and their creativity. So, we tried an experiment (still ongoing by the way). Other than watching movies with us, they were going to stay away from their "plugged in" devices. No Wii, no tablets, no DS games, no computer, even no Kindle reading (find a book with pages that you actually have to turn).

Ok..so I'm sure someone is reading this and saying, well why didn't you unplug too? (Its ok, my children asked the same thing). We do almost all of our banking online, bill pay online, email is important and yes, even Facebook is useful when used correctly. Then there is the point that both my husband and I made to my kids...we don't have a problem getting all of our jobs done, spending time face to face, or playing and doing other things - ie. reading a book (we are both book nerds). It is different...there isn't the threat of addiction issues with us.  Of course, all of this is my opinion...but it is my blog..so...

My boys didn't give one fuss over the idea! In fact, they were excited. Let me tell what happened this past week:

• Monopoly, The Scrambled States Game, Puzzles and even Battleship were on the dining room table. In addition to that, during those times, much laughter and excitement sat around the table as well. (We are naturally a big board game family, but this week...WOW!)
• The basketball and football were in full use (even in the rain). Neighborhood boys came out of the woodwork. :)
• The 7 trillion LEGOS that my boys have collected over the past 6 years were ALL out. At one point my husband and I thought we were taking our life into our own hands if we dared attempted to help make the top bunk bed. I think they made up some games to go with the LEGOS. 
• Paper, colored pencils and drawing pads made their way to the table too.
• Pleasant, happy, non-distracted children played with each other (and with us) - every single day.

I have to say, this has been a great week. I'm so proud of my boys! NOT one complaint the entire time.

Realistically there are going to be times they have to use the computer. Minecraft and other games that they play (snowboarding on the Wii) even Facebook are fun and honestly if used correctly and tempered with a good mix of all the other things they rediscovered were TONS of fun...in my opinion and for MY children...its not so bad.

Not sure if we will keep this going for another week (Sunday will be 7 days). We did say we will take it one-week-at-a-time. (Before they are even aware a whole month may go by. tee hee!) I don't know. Maybe we will see how the rest of the weekend goes before making a decision. I know this...they have admitted that it has been fun and even said they would do it again. So..we'll see.

Have you had your children unplug recently? What happened?

He is My Superhero

My cute baby "A" at 2 years old.

I know I've written so much about Kyle in this "Journey of a Superhero Mom" blog. My boys are my superheros - and I'm simply their Mom - never make the mistake..I'm not a super Mom at all - just a Mom to superheros. They continue to teach me things I never knew...or things that I may have forgotten.  I write again, because this is the place I've chosen to log what is going on in his life - my journal so to speak - and if our experiences can ever help anyone, then...praise God!

I've mentioned before that Kyle is the gift God gave me to show me Jesus every day. I'll just mention briefly that Kyle was diagnosed at the age of 3 with PDD-NOS - an autism spectrum disorder. He was tested and found that he was developmentally delayed as well as severely learning disabled (short term memory issues, as well as sequencing issues). He has gone through speech, physical, and occupational therapy for years. If you know this child, he could easily steal your heart. Today, I would confidently say that he is an OVERCOMER. He is VICTORIOUS! He is perfectly made in the IMAGE OF GOD!

Around 5 years old...obsessed with making "sand"balls.

Today he is going to see a Neurologist because he has been fainting (passing out). We are trying to rule out seizures, because when I found him on the ground 2 weeks ago he just didn't look right. Tomorrow he goes to a cardiologist. I was hit with what felt like a ton of bricks 2 weeks ago while we sat with the second doctor and repeated some of the same things. As we sit in the room with my now 12.5 year old boy, it dawns on my husband and I that we've NEVER told Kyle that he has special needs, or that he is on the spectrum, or that he has learning disabilities. In our family...we ALL have issues. So to explain to my other children when Kyle acted odd, we would tell them, Kyle has issues.

All of this came out right in front of Kyle at the doctors. He heard me say all those things. These past two weeks I've worked hard to replace those words, with words of LIFE! Yes, these may have been true of Kyle's past, and yes he still continues to struggle in many areas, BUT he is God's favorite. He is free. He is chosen. He is a new Creation. He is a child of God. He is greatly loved. He is built up!

We all need to remind ourselves of these things which are true. All found in the Word of God...and we need to BELIEVE God at His Word!

My sweet boy...this past summer (2013)...truly my superhero.

I have heard this child say the most amazing things in the past three weeks. I do believe that God has revealed some truth of His Word...deep into Kyle's heart. One of the best thing about Kyle is that he has the most beautiful heart. I tell him all the time...like David...his heart is precious..and he is a man after God's very own heart!

This week he has had to wear the hat of humility. He made a mistake. Said somethings that he shouldn't have said. He confessed. Asked for forgiveness from the people that his words hurt. Then he asked the Lord to forgive him. He told me later. "Mom, I asked God to forgive me too. Now, it is like I never did it!"

Friends, if we could all understand the forgiveness of God like this...I think we would all feel that much lighter. We have ALL fallen short of the Glory of God, but when we seek His forgiveness, He forgives and that is it. The slate is clean. It is our own minds, or the people around us that remember. Oh to be more like Jesus. Kyle has been deeply hurt in the past - words have hurt him...all too often. Things said, behind his back and even to his face. I've watched this child cry his heart out on my sofa. He knows how to forgive and truly forget. I have watched him. Without apologies...he still forgives. I think that is why he easily asks for forgivness. He knows he is not perfect. He knows he makes mistakes, but he also knows he has a loving God that forgives him...because he trusts God to know his heart.

See...this boy shows me Jesus...all the time. He is my superhero.

It's Not Just Reserved For Fairy Tales!

I'm thrilled to have been asked to join hundreds of other bloggers to help Fawn Weaver, the author of The Happy Wives Club, spread the truth about marriages today. This post is a part of The Happy Wives Club Blog Tour! For more information about this, or if your interested in being a part of it...please CLICK HERE!

Mainstream media has tainted our view of marriage, people tend to believe that it is nearly impossible to have a great marriage these days. I remember sitting in a car with two of my good friends and they both made the comment that my marriage is rare. I'll confess, it brought me to tears. I came home that day and wrapped my arms around my husband and wanted to be sure that we were okay, that we were normal. I didn't want to think that it must be that hard to have a great marriage...because if it is...what if something happens to us. See how that works? It can be so discouraging.

Fawn Weaver, has taken a journey and allows us to ride, sit, dine and get our hair done right alongside of her as she travels around the world talking to couples, collecting the secrets to happy healthy marriages. It is a fantastic book and it comes out on Monday, January 7th. (See below to order your copy today)

About 10 years ago, then I was married for 13 years, I sat across my table from a woman who said these words to me: "When I stood at the altar I knew it didn't really mean forever." WHAT? I was dumbfounded. When I stood at the altar at the age of 21, I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt, it absolutely meant...UNTIL DEATH DO US PART! So her comment shook me, call me naive, but I really didn't think people thought those thoughts. So, I shared with her one of the things (looking back for the past 23 years of my marriage - I've shared this with LOTS of women) that I think has been a huge key to the success of our marriage. If your interested, I'll share it with you now. Come on, I'll invite you to sneak a peek in to my studio apartment in Prospect Park, NJ circa 1991, about 22 years ago.

You see that girl with the 90's hairdo sitting on the Southwestern Style sofa, arms crossed, looking away from the very handsome man sitting next to her...that would be me. I remember it like it was yesterday, but oddly I don't remember what event or what was said that brought us to this point. Clearly this was our first really BIG argument, disagreement, (I won't say fight because that word, to me, connotes physical...and that would seriously bring the wrong image here!).

Whatever the argument was about, I knew I was right....and he knew he was right! We were in a no win zone, a no passing point. I remember thinking, this is why people get divorced, we were never going to be able to get beyond this point. I was just married a year, maybe a bit less, and this was it for me. I was MAD! How could he NOT see that my way, my point, my argument was right? I really didn't "like" this adorable man at this moment. (I'm sure he didn't "like" me too much either). It came to that point where I didn't want to talk to him anymore. It was late, I was tired, this wasn't going to work - we've been on this couch for what felt like forever! We had vowed to never go to bed angry (I guess we were NEVER going to bed!).

Eph. 4:26-27 (In the Message version) "Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life."

Then suddenly out of the corner of my eye, I saw this man that I had married slip off the couch next to me and get on his knees. I remember thinking, what is he doing? OH he better not be praying! I know that sounds really bad. Close your jaws...if they've dropped! It's true. The very LAST thing I wanted to do, (I honestly didn't think it would be possible for me to do) was to pray with him. UGH! Yes, so that is exactly what Mike Engel started to do...pray.

Because this was such a monumental moment in my marriage, I remember the gist of what he prayed quite well. It went something like this: "Father in Heaven, please forgive me. I want to be a wonderful husband, I want to honor my wife. She is a gift to me, a priceless treasure that you have placed in my care and I love her so much. I don't know how we are going to get beyond this, but I just want you to bless her right now. I thank you for the woman of God she is, thank you for placing her in my life and I just ask that you would pour out your blessings upon her. Grant her the desires of her heart...."

You get the idea. He was praying a prayer of blessing over me. WHAT? The moment he said "Father in Heaven" I remember thinking...there is NO WAY I can pray...I was so angry...my heart was so hard! Here is the miracle of that posture...as he continued to pray a blessing over me (he didn't pray that I would see his way, or that I would grow up and get a grip, or that we we stop arguing) my heart began to melt.

I didn't want to budge, but honestly I couldn't help it. There is something about sitting in the presence of God, (because let me tell you when you are on your knees praying...God is right there too), that just takes you off your own altar, so to speak, and places you in the proper position before God and the man. I was extremely humbled and I began to weep. He just prayed blessing after blessing over me and asked God to forgive Him, and to help him. When he said "Amen!", I slipped off the couch next to him and in between my tears and sniffles, I started to pray prayers of blessing over this precious gift that God had placed in my life as my husband. I laid a hand on his head and prayed blessings in his life, I thanked God for my relationship with Michael and I asked God to forgive me. When we finished praying, we just held each other...for a long time...without any words...and yes...we kissed!

From that moment on, though it can be the absolute hardest thing to do, because your flesh wants nothing more than to be right and to stay angry, this is what we do. When we are at a no passing point or a no winning zone (which we don't really get there too much anymore) we will get on our knees, or hold hands or just wherever we are....PRAY a prayer of blessing over each other. Never do we pray that the other would see it our way, do it differently, learn something, NOPE...we just pray blessing over each other. Marriage is about honoring, respecting and loving one another. It's about putting the other first...it works when you both do it...it almost magical!

I've been married now for 23 years...going on 24. We've been through the loss of 14 babies, the death of all of our parents, the loss of jobs, financial ruin, depression, pre-menopause, career changes, a child on the autism spectrum... We've learned each other really well...we are best friends, lovers and both of us are children of God. I remember my pastor speaking to us in our premarital counseling..."remember that you are both children of God...you better treat each other like such...Lisa is a daughter of the King...Mike is a son of the King...you mess up..you answer to the King." Makes me smile thinking about it! The King is so gentle and willing to teach us how to love one another as perfectly as we can this side of Heaven.

Me and my Mr. Incredible at the beach a few months ago! 

This is just one of the things we've vowed to keep in our marriage..it works! If you want to know more about us...I just posted a blog post a month ago...entitled Priceless Treasure, feel free to click on that and catch more of our story! As I've said in the introduction of this post, Fawn Weaver has gone around the world finding more things that work to keep our marriages healthy. She sent me an advanced reader's copy and I couldn't put it down! It will be an encouragement to you for sure - happy healthy marriages are for real - it's not reserved for fairy tales!! I'm excited to write my review!! You can pre-order her book today by CLICKING HERE.

Thanks for joining me and so many others on this Blog Tour!!

Making Magical Memories

Great things come in small packages!

I think that the most vivid memories of Christmases past are usually not about the gifts that were received or even given, but of the spirit of love, the special warmth of Christmas worship, the cherished traditions of home and the results of just being Jesus to one another.

Yesterday was amazing. We were pretty sure that our boys wouldn't mind not opening too many gifts on Christmas. After all, we only ever do 3 gifts per child, but those gifts are treasured. This year we decided that we just wanted to focus on making memories. As our boys get older, they desire to spend time with friends (which is understandable and acceptable), but we know that before we know it, a girl just might steal their heart...and then our lives will change dramatically!

So my husband and I figured out a way that we could afford annual passes to Disney World this year. We were going to surprise them good! We had to wake them up at 5:30am...my youngest was VERY tired.

I had packed a Bible in each of these boxes (for weight). On top of that I laid their annual pass to Disney and then on top of that was a Disney World rain poncho!

You can tell by the looks on their faces...they were in total shock. It has been several years since we visited Disney World. We were going to Disney on Christmas Day! Last Christmas Mr. Incredible had to work...we waited around until he got home, then he had to go to bed shortly after that. This Christmas he had off! It just happened to be on his day off! That alone was a gift!

So, there wasn't a whole lot of unwrapping to do. As we arrived at Disney, we were very aware of those men and women having to work on Christmas day...and doing so with a smile. We thanked every Disney worker we could for giving their time. We wore our "We Are Family" shirts that our church had made for our Pastor's sermon series...on Family Values. We represented our new church (Family Worship Center was on the back of the shirt) as well as Jesus!

 It really is a very magical place! You can't help but smile!

Let the memory making year begin! We made sure we let others go before us in line if they were struggling to get there first. We moved back so smaller children could see things. We really tried to think of others today! That is what made the day so special. We knew we could keep going back to Disney and we had no problem showing people the love of Christ on His special day!

 It's a small world is one of my favorites. It never gets old!

Italy - my heritage!

You know, because he wants to be president someday!

We explored Tom Sawyer Island. That was fun...going over on the raft and then exploring trails, mines and crooked bridges! We even explored a hidden escape hatch!!

Exploring Tom Sawyer Island!

After Tom Sawyer Island, we went to our Fastpass destination...Space Mountain. This ride just about did me in. Maybe I'm getting to old, but my brain felt like it was jostling around just a little too much! So as the other boys and Dad went on Pirates of the Caribbean, Shane and I went to a show and got a great spot for the Christmas Parade!

Waiting for Mickey and friends to do their Christmas Celebration Show!

 Parades are my favorite! Especially at Christmas! The songs, the smiles, the snow!! Really you can't beat it!

 

We survived Disney on Christmas Day. It really wasn't as bad as everyone was telling us it would be. We ended in up in a restaurant off Disney grounds (not easy to find on Christmas day) and we blessed the socks of our waiter Gus. He was amazing, did everything with a smile, but would have much preferred being home with his family!

I love that my boys enjoy being with us! I love that they enjoy serving with us and we are in fact still their favorite people! They couldn't stop thanking us and hugging us and dreaming of what to do next! This will get them away from their electronic devices a bit, help them use their imagination, and keep us all active...as walking around Disney parks...is GREAT exercise!

Looking forward to spending some quality time with each other this coming year - building magical memories that will last a lifetime! It was a different Christmas...not a traditional one by any means...but it was quite magical to say the least!

A Resurrected Tradition

As promised I will post the outcome of tonight's adventure. This was my status update on Facebook this morning (Saturday, December 21, 2013) :

Tonight I will be doing the unthinkable. I will be allowing my children, to once again, create a gingerbread house. Now, for those that do not understand...I may be great with cookies, but gingerbread houses have been my undoing. Our last experience was, for lack of a better word, tragic. (so much so that I swore...NEVER EVER to attempt one EVER again) I will NOT however be doing this alone. We have enlisted a couple who are highly trained and apparently very successful to assist. If you would just pray, my children are, as you can imagine, suffering from PTGBHBS (Post traumatic gingerbread house building syndrome). Pray that tonight's experience will redeem this Christmas tradition for the Engel boys. lol!! Off to purchase some supplies! (After this evening I promise to update in a blog - that will explain any of the gaps in this status update). ;P

What some do not know, is that last December, I was experiencing pre-menopausal symptoms. I didn't realize what was going on. This particular day, this day of gingerbread house disaster story was indeed my undoing and my reason for getting help. (You can read about some of this experience here: What Do You Call An Old Chicken)

It was December 10, 2012, I remember the day like it was yesterday. We had 3 kids and 5 gingerbread houses to build. I had every supply neatly organized, each boy was patiently waiting their turn to decorate. One bag of icing (which clearly is not enough) and several cute candies to place on each house. I put together one house, gave it to the Shane and started on Kyle's house. While I was trying to put Kyle house together Shane's house collapses! I put Kyle's house on hold and attempt to fix Shane's. In the meantime, Brendan sits patiently waiting. While trying to fix Shane's his candy that he meticulously placed starts falling off the roof of the house. I give him his back and attempt to fix Kyle's. This went on...way to long. Finally finished building Brendan's and Kyle's fell apart again..with almost all candy on them. I still promised two more houses, but after all the repairs. I had no icing! UGH!

At some point in all the chaos, I cry out..."I PROMISE YOU....WE WILL NEVER EVER BE DOING THESE EVER EVER AGAIN!" "I HATE GINGERBREAD HOUSES!" I had to walk away from the table a few times. Here was the result:

OK, I know it doesn't seem awful, but that is because my boys are adorable and I love them and they are amazing...but this was pure torture for me! I let my kids eat whatever they wanted immediately after this picture. I wanted nothing in my house to remind me of this. About an hour after all of this, as I was still cleaning up, I saw out of the corner of my eye, my son Brendan running away. I went to him and calmly asked..."What's the matter honey?" I noticed that he was crying. He said..."I'm so sorry Mom, I am so sorry!" What in the world! It is okay honey! No matter what it was....tell me what happened! I went real close to him and he hugged me. I was worried, I didn't know what happened. He finally walked out and showed me that one of my dining room chairs was broken. He said he was standing on the side of it and the leg snapped in half.  Calmly and lovingly I held him in my arms and said.."Hey, its ok! It's only a chair sweetheart! It's just stuff...don't worry about it!" It was that moment...that very important moment that caused me to call the Doctor the next day. I just flipped out like a mad woman over a gingerbread house that kept breaking...and now (like Jeckyl and Hyde) I was calm as a cucumber over real furniture! Something was desperately wrong with me. We laughed through tears...and I decided...promised...pledged NEVER to attempt these things again!

Tonight, I will be observing as some of the masters of Gingerbread House Building attempt to redeem this Christmas tradition that has tragically died in my house. I'll return to post pictures and write an update!
          ______________________________

I'm back (Monday, December 23, 2013)! I had to wait until the competition was over. Our friends had people vote on their favorite...and posted all 8 of the gingerbread houses that were completed by their 5 children and my 3 children.

Well, I must confess...this year's gingerbread house building and decorating was amazing. I didn't have to do one thing except operate in my love language...words of affirmation. I can do that. I'm not gifted in the art of gingerbread house building, but I can encourage like nobody's business.

The Reynold's family were all prepared (you can tell they were experts). Long table with plenty room for 8 children, bowls filled to the rim with every candy you can imagine and graham crackers...lots of them. Both families contributed to the candy stash as well as the royal icing. (Although...we had WAY too much of both - better to be prepared!) Last year...I ran out of icing that was given to us in the kit...very frustrating.

So here are the results. I'm proud of my boys. They operate in a deficit because I don't really do much in the craft department with them. However, they were amazing! They went right to work...without any touch of adult hands...whatsoever! Not only am I proud, I'm also VERY THANKFUL!

Brendan's Gingerbread house and yard! 

This was Kyle's mobile outhouse. (one side of it) 

Here is the entrance to Kyle's mobile outhouse. That's a nice place to go potty I think!

And finally my Shane...A Christmas castle!

I'm pretty sure their favorite part was knowing they accomplished this tradition that we all thought was dead forever. They did it on their own and then they got to eat as much as they could when they were done! Besides the smiles on their faces, the joy in their hearts and the fellowship with some awesome friends...for me, I enjoyed watching them be creative and then eating it...so I didn't have to bring it home!

I cannot believe I'm saying this, but I've decided, promised, pledged that I will allow my boys to do this again next year! Truth! They had a great time..from picking out the candy, to building and eating it!

Christmas! We have so many wonderful traditions around this time of year: our advent calendar, cookie backing, reading stories, hanging ornaments and retelling every story that goes with each one, seeing Christmas lights, watching movies and I'm sure there are some I'm forgetting to mention. So now, thanks to our friends who encouraged me to give it one more try - we celebrate a resurrected tradition! Merry Christmas to you and may you all enjoy the traditions of your family during your celebration of Christ's birth!

The Priceless Treasure

Summer of 2013 After being gone from him for a month on vacation,
this was a much needed reunion!

This week is flooded with memories! I'm not sure I'll be able to post on the exact days...so here is a conglomerate.

This will be one crazy busy weekend as Friday night I will be at my final set up for Bagels & Blessings and the Saturday my final B&B teaching (unless of course I'm invited to share again), right after that is my son's play at church and then Sunday is my 23rd Wedding Anniversary. Whew!

December 12th marks the 16th anniversary of the loss of our first son. You can read more about that in There is a Time For Everything. So I sometimes get a bit emotional at the memory of that, not that I'm still sad, but I just remember the time and how it really affected the rest of the month of December that particular year. I know I will meet with every single one of my babies again someday when we see Jesus face to face - and that actually brings me joy.

Then there is the closing of this chapter in my life. My final Bagels & Blessings at EAC. I will be stepping down as Women's Ministry Director after 5 years of serving, and actually announcing that my family and I have been worshiping someplace new. I've been very quiet about it. I guess I was thinking no one would actually notice that we've not been there on Sunday mornings. :) I have received several phone calls in the past 3 months...especially from the people that sat nearby. At any rate, this is a wonderful thing. While my heart is still not sure how to leave Bagels & Blessings, because in some ways I feel like it is my baby. I know it has grown up and it is fully functional and totally does not need me, but still, I liken it to when your child goes off to college. You've done well, you gave birth then you've watched your baby go through some growing pains, you've see it blossom and become its own thing...and then boom..its ready to stand on its own and doesn't need Mama anymore. :) I know it sounds silly. I have some friends who actually understand my silly heart - and I'm thankful. I've come to be very excited about what God is going to do...B&B is His...and so I know He's got the perfect plan for it! As for me and my family...well, we're His too and I know He has some amazing plans for us as well.

Still, I'm going to miss doing this - and I'm going to miss the women especially! I just have such an incredible love for the women who come to B&B. I know that is from the Lord...because even when women are new...I just love them so! EAC will always be a part of my family...we've been there 10 years and have walked through some very difficult storms personally and corporately, but we have rejoiced over many miraculous times as well. You know we bond through those times right?! So thankful for my relationships and friendships that will last for eternity! Such incredible gifts.

I'll be sharing on JOY! I think it is the perfect way to close this chapter!! I'm so very very excited and I think the Lord has big plans for Saturday!

Then there is Sunday. My 23rd wedding anniversary.

Last year I wrote a blog that talked about my wedding day it was called Holding His Hand. The year before that it was "I Still Do!" I've been blogging since 2007 how many ways can I express my joy of being married to my best friend?

Well every year it is just a little different. You reflect on the past year and so much happens. As we approach our 23rd anniversary we are both aware that we've been married for over half of my life.

The making of a great marriage is hard work. As we grow older together, there is a level of comfort, but this year I'm finding a new spark in the thought that we do this thing called life really well together. It isn't like everybody else..its the way the Engels do it and I really really LOVE it!

After 23 years, I still get butterflies when he holds my hand - it brings me right back to my college days. I love just sitting next to him. There is so much more behind a kiss after 23 years...it is deeper, more meaningful. I couldn't be more proud of someone in my whole life! I mean I'm super proud of my children, but I have to admit, I supremely proud of my husband. He is such a sweet and loving soul. Even when he is going through difficult times in his life I want nothing more than to be his cheerleader! I'm not shy at all when it comes to bragging about him! I love the fact that we are most definitely best friends. There are NEVER any eggs shells, NEVER any worries, NEVER any doubts....ALWAYS REAL!

Unlike some couples, we had a good 10 years before we were able to conceive children. I think that has made our lives, in some ways, a bit easier. Well, I said in some ways. I think parenting when we were in our 20s would have been a bit easier (more energy) but ... oh well, so we're old parents! That is why I color my hair!

Is my marriage perfect! I laugh....NO! I love him...the best I can here on earth and I know he loves me the best he can - but if you're looking for perfection...then that would be Jesus! We both know that...so I think that helps too!

Mike Engel - here's to eternity! May we continue to weather the storms together, walk on water together, share in victories together! May we continue to honor each other, look out for each other, love each other the best way we know how. May we never give up on learning new ways to show our love! May we raise our children to be mighty men of God! May we continue to make sure we have time together in the business of running a household of preteen boys. May we always remember to laugh! May we continue to lay each other at the throne of Grace...daily! May we cheer the loudest for one another! May we never stop praying WITH each other! May we never ever forget the priceless treasure God has given us in each other! May we hold each other's hand in the journeys ahead. I wouldn't want to do ANY of this life without you Mike Engel! I'm so eternally grateful that God loved me so much...he would have you choose me! Wow! May we continue to look at our stones and enjoy making new memories in the years to come!