The Priceless Treasure

Summer of 2013 After being gone from him for a month on vacation,
this was a much needed reunion!

This week is flooded with memories! I'm not sure I'll be able to post on the exact days...so here is a conglomerate.

This will be one crazy busy weekend as Friday night I will be at my final set up for Bagels & Blessings and the Saturday my final B&B teaching (unless of course I'm invited to share again), right after that is my son's play at church and then Sunday is my 23rd Wedding Anniversary. Whew!

December 12th marks the 16th anniversary of the loss of our first son. You can read more about that in There is a Time For Everything. So I sometimes get a bit emotional at the memory of that, not that I'm still sad, but I just remember the time and how it really affected the rest of the month of December that particular year. I know I will meet with every single one of my babies again someday when we see Jesus face to face - and that actually brings me joy.

Then there is the closing of this chapter in my life. My final Bagels & Blessings at EAC. I will be stepping down as Women's Ministry Director after 5 years of serving, and actually announcing that my family and I have been worshiping someplace new. I've been very quiet about it. I guess I was thinking no one would actually notice that we've not been there on Sunday mornings. :) I have received several phone calls in the past 3 months...especially from the people that sat nearby. At any rate, this is a wonderful thing. While my heart is still not sure how to leave Bagels & Blessings, because in some ways I feel like it is my baby. I know it has grown up and it is fully functional and totally does not need me, but still, I liken it to when your child goes off to college. You've done well, you gave birth then you've watched your baby go through some growing pains, you've see it blossom and become its own thing...and then boom..its ready to stand on its own and doesn't need Mama anymore. :) I know it sounds silly. I have some friends who actually understand my silly heart - and I'm thankful. I've come to be very excited about what God is going to do...B&B is His...and so I know He's got the perfect plan for it! As for me and my family...well, we're His too and I know He has some amazing plans for us as well.

Still, I'm going to miss doing this - and I'm going to miss the women especially! I just have such an incredible love for the women who come to B&B. I know that is from the Lord...because even when women are new...I just love them so! EAC will always be a part of my family...we've been there 10 years and have walked through some very difficult storms personally and corporately, but we have rejoiced over many miraculous times as well. You know we bond through those times right?! So thankful for my relationships and friendships that will last for eternity! Such incredible gifts.

I'll be sharing on JOY! I think it is the perfect way to close this chapter!! I'm so very very excited and I think the Lord has big plans for Saturday!

Then there is Sunday. My 23rd wedding anniversary.

Last year I wrote a blog that talked about my wedding day it was called Holding His Hand. The year before that it was "I Still Do!" I've been blogging since 2007 how many ways can I express my joy of being married to my best friend?

Well every year it is just a little different. You reflect on the past year and so much happens. As we approach our 23rd anniversary we are both aware that we've been married for over half of my life.

The making of a great marriage is hard work. As we grow older together, there is a level of comfort, but this year I'm finding a new spark in the thought that we do this thing called life really well together. It isn't like everybody else..its the way the Engels do it and I really really LOVE it!

After 23 years, I still get butterflies when he holds my hand - it brings me right back to my college days. I love just sitting next to him. There is so much more behind a kiss after 23 years...it is deeper, more meaningful. I couldn't be more proud of someone in my whole life! I mean I'm super proud of my children, but I have to admit, I supremely proud of my husband. He is such a sweet and loving soul. Even when he is going through difficult times in his life I want nothing more than to be his cheerleader! I'm not shy at all when it comes to bragging about him! I love the fact that we are most definitely best friends. There are NEVER any eggs shells, NEVER any worries, NEVER any doubts....ALWAYS REAL!

Unlike some couples, we had a good 10 years before we were able to conceive children. I think that has made our lives, in some ways, a bit easier. Well, I said in some ways. I think parenting when we were in our 20s would have been a bit easier (more energy) but ... oh well, so we're old parents! That is why I color my hair!

Is my marriage perfect! I laugh....NO! I love him...the best I can here on earth and I know he loves me the best he can - but if you're looking for perfection...then that would be Jesus! We both know that...so I think that helps too!

Mike Engel - here's to eternity! May we continue to weather the storms together, walk on water together, share in victories together! May we continue to honor each other, look out for each other, love each other the best way we know how. May we never give up on learning new ways to show our love! May we raise our children to be mighty men of God! May we continue to make sure we have time together in the business of running a household of preteen boys. May we always remember to laugh! May we continue to lay each other at the throne of Grace...daily! May we cheer the loudest for one another! May we never stop praying WITH each other! May we never ever forget the priceless treasure God has given us in each other! May we hold each other's hand in the journeys ahead. I wouldn't want to do ANY of this life without you Mike Engel! I'm so eternally grateful that God loved me so much...he would have you choose me! Wow! May we continue to look at our stones and enjoy making new memories in the years to come!

Leaving a Beautiful Scent

The road trip! It started off as a plan to keep my children busy this summer since Dad was working nights. Then we got so excited during the planning process....even though Dad is working days...we HAD to go. People have called me crazy, insane, brave...really I'm none of the above, or maybe I'm all of the above, either way it is so rewarding to spend memory making time with my boys.

I'll show a few pictures to show what we've done so far. But really, the best part of this trip so far (and we're only on day 4 of 24) has been the conversations we've had with old friends and perfect strangers.

We all made shirts for our vacation. Yes, this means that we stood out a little, but it was fun to do and it really sparked interesting conversation - especially while riding the metro in DC. There was plenty of time to talk while I stood up holding on to a bar for dear life while others sat with their eyes closed after a long day. So here is what we were asked: "Have you been to all these places in the past 6 months?" No...we're just starting out...and doing it all in 3 weeks. :) "How is it you have time for this?" "You are still smiling even with traveling this far with 3 boys?" "What is Deb's Cakes anyway?" (That was my favorite, because it is my friend's business...and we'll be seeing her on our return trip.)  Well, I was able to advertise Deb's business and in fact one woman wanted my facebook to connect her with Deb's Cakes for her sister in North Carolina. How about that?!

These questions brought out such interesting and even some deep conversations. Comments from total strangers. One woman even asked the boys about their homeschooling experience. She said she knew there was something a little different about them, when she watched my two boys get up from their seat to allow a woman to sit. I didn't tell them to do it (but I have told them in the past). We teach them, they learn...sometimes. :) Someone else commented that she was a teacher and she had the wrong impression of homeschooling.  In fact she had been outspoken against it...but she said my passion and my children had her rethinking. We can't put everyone in a box and condemn it.

One person asked about my faith. She said she saw it on my face. (Don't ask...it makes no sense to me either)...she said that she watched my boys and I interact on the Metro and saw that we were truly joyful. Well that just blew me away. I was EXHAUSTED that day!

Before leaving for this trip I prayed that my boys would see people the way God sees people. He LOVES all...deeply. I want my boys to have a heart for people, to see beyond the exterior, to get past the lifestyle  or political differences and genuinely love people. That has been a big part of this trip so far.

Here are a few pictures from our trip...won't bore you to death with all of them:

Special Operations Museum in Fayetteville...such a great place..every boy would LOVE it!

What an incredible experience to share with 3 of my favorite people on the planet!

One of my favorite pictures...I feel strongly about teaching my children to respect our heroes and our history!

Of course we had to stop by and see Shane's future home.

See..he fits pretty good!

Taking time to grow a "stash"..while they're on vacation.

My old high school...walking down memory lane.

My teen years...spent in a neighborhood with author's names...hmmm?

My children doing the things that I did in elementary school.

Mama Rosa's Tomato Pie

Friends from the class of 1987

 Let me pause a moment right here. That tomato pie, brought back every wonderful memory of my childhood. So sad that food has a way of doing that isn't it!? Oh...I really feel bad for my Florida friends...I wish I could bring some back for them. There is nothing quite like it.

Now for the girls! I took the picture of the food and they were shocked that I didn't snap a picture of them first. They all wanted to be sure that I blogged about them. So...here it is! I left this amazing night feeling so loved. We're all so different; different political views, different faith views, and some of us share more memories than others, but..around that table tonight...I was proud to call these women my friends. So much talent, so much character, so much heart and passion...I'm humbled that they all took time from their schedule to share a meal. I was reminded today of how insignificant your high school years really are....once you are on the midlife side of things. However, I also realized how significant our relationships are. I'm thankful for facebook. For keeping us in touch with one another. We can be proud of each others children, we can rejoice with each others successes and we can relate to life experiences! After 26 years we sat at a table and caught up, laughed and now look forward to the next time we have Tomato Pie together.  Who knows...perhaps we'll be having grits and hushpuppies...or riding on a pontoon boat together. I love the way people leave an impression on your heart. Kind of like a fingerprint or a scent. One of the things that keeps resonating in my mind and heart is when I first got to the restaurant tonight, albeit fashionably late, they were all asking me..."When are you going to write that book?" "What it is all about?" They were genuinely excited and happy for my new endeavor as an author. I'm feeling very blessed right now...to have these ladies as friends...even after 26 years...each one has truly left a beautiful scent behind. 

I hope that my boys and I leave a beautiful scent behind! Next leg of the trip...takes us to Philadelphia, North Jersey then NYC. 

There Is A Time For Everything...

...And a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die,a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

December is all in itself a season: the winter season, the Christmas season, a busy season. I think of all the songs that talk about the season..."Tis the season to be jolly!" I actually love LOVE this season, even though it hold bittersweet memories. I am convinced that each and every memory whether happy or sad, plays a part in making you who you are. Although...I understand how this "season" can be difficult. I want to encourage you to take it all in.

One of my happiest memories would be my wedding day...December 15th, 1990. One of my saddest memories would be December 12th, 1997.  This December 12th will be the 15th anniversary of the loss of our first child. (I lost his twin three weeks after that). Then we have so many wonderful memories that go with celebrating the birth of our Savior.

I'm thankful for those words from Ecclesiastes above...they speak volumes to my heart.

I was in school, teaching...when it happened. I tried to deny it! Rushed to the specialist...I saw the screen! I remember not wanting to go to the hospital. I remember having to deliver in my pastor's home with a doctor who went to our church. I remember the tears and the prayers of my dearest friends who laid on that bed and prayed over me as I was in labor...too stubborn to go to the hospital. Too emotional to give up on this long awaited baby. I had been trying to get pregnant for 5 years already. My first attempt at insemination...and I was pregnant. I had started a baby book, received blankets and cards. My entire church family rejoiced (a time to dance) at the news that I was in fact going to have a baby! Now here I was, late first trimester, in the spare bedroom of our pastors/friends, going into labor...(a time to mourn)! I finally went to the hospital and remember feeling dead inside. Three weeks later I would find that I had an ectopic pregnancy too. This baby had died many weeks prior, but we weren't aware that he/she lay lodged in my tube (life and death situation)...which was about to burst.

December 12th was indeed a time to be born, and a time to die. Not just the death of my son, but my dream of having one, my hope of holding him. Shortly after this, a new hope was born in my heart. I understood that everything that He created (even my first son), was created for His pleasure. For now..my son..was created for His pleasure only.  A precious woman of God, my mentor, spoke at a retreat shortly after my miscarriage. She spoke about how everything was created...to bring Him Glory (Rev. 4:11). Even every grain of sand, or every shell upon the earth...was made special and for the purpose of bringing Him Glory. She even handed out little tiny shells that were to remind us that everything was created for His pleasure. This spoke straight to my heart.

I remember coming home and showing Michael the shells. I took two, one represented my son and the other the baby lost in my tube. At first I had them in a little baggie tucked away in my baby book. I would panic when I couldn't find them. Kept asking Mike..."Oh my gosh..where are the babies?!!" When I really meant "Where are the shells!" I realized that these little shells became my memorial of the babies, who for now, would wait for me in Heaven.

Another friend of mine gave me a very unique jar. It is a magnifying glass on top so when you look through the top you can see more detail of the items that are in the jar. This very special jar holds 14 little shells...each serving as a memorial of the babies who wait for us in Heaven...each created in the image of God...and for His pleasure.

Yes, I do have 3 amazing and precious sons now. Three boys who know this story and understand that they have been chosen to live here...for a great and wonderful purpose...a destiny that I anticipate will indeed bring Him honor. Not unlike their brothers/sisters...they too have been created in God's image and for His Glory and pleasure!

Oh, if you need comfort today...here it is! He is on His Throne. He was on his throne on December 12, 1997, He was on His throne when my mother and father died. He was on His throne when I lost each of those babies. He is still on His Throne. He is my Redeemer, my Hope, my Rescuer! He is my Healer, my Restorer!  I look forward to the day I see Him face to face. I look forward to the day I see all of my babies, my parents....one day I will...He has set eternity in my heart  --  that is a precious and wonderful gift - for which I'm eternally grateful!

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 4:11 

The Apple of His Eye...Part III

With memories flooding my heart and mind and tears in our eyes I held his hands and look right into his eyes. It what we girls do isn't...we look right into people's eyes.

I asked about the letter. What did he think? Did he already pray the prayer? Did he want me to pray with him?

"I want you to be here when I pray!" --that is what he said! Probably the most precious words I could ever hear. Whether it is from my Dad, my children or a friend at the altar. Praying along side a person as they pray a prayer for salvation, assurance of Heaven, is just the about the greatest honor of all! The Bible says in Luke 15:7 "In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!" I can tell you from first hand experience there is nothing quite like it!

I asked my Dad the questions. Did he understand? He wanted to pray, but was so shy. I prayed for him first, thanking God for bringing him to this place, asking the Lord to give him courage to take the next step. I remember being so empowered by the Holy Spirit as I prayed for my Dad. Then I held his hands tight and told him it was his turn. OH how we wept..right there on the hospital bed. We were a snotty mess, the two of us! All this time, alone, not one interruption. That was a divine appointment for sure! His prayer...I wish I could have bottled it up to save. I remember it being so simple, he mentioned Billy Graham in his prayer and told the Lord that he believed that He loved him just as he was. He invited the Lord to take residence in his life, asked him to forgive him of his sin, and thanked him for saving his life and thanked him for his daughter! I just embraced my Daddy and sobbed all over his hospital gown. We cried and we laughed.

Then it happened. Someone else came into the room. First a nurse. She asked if everything was alright? What was wrong? My Dad said, "This is my daughter, I have Jesus in my heart now!" He proceeded to tell every person that came into the room, that he now had Jesus!! (Confessed with his mouth!)

A few weeks later Dad was in a hospital in Philadelphia. It was there that the Doctor asked Pat (my step-mother) and I to talk with us privately. My Mike stayed behind to be with Dad. The doctor proceeded to tell us to get our things in order, Dad only really had 6 months to live. He can have some radiation, but chemo would not be helpful at this stage in his esophageal cancer. It would be a difficult ride! Pat decided it best not to tell Dad how long he was given to live. Wise choice knowing my Dad. However he knew he didn't have much time. While we were with the Doctor, my Dad sat my husband down and asked him to tell him about what Heaven was like! Mike sat with my Dad, bringing him the comfort of God's Word and prayer to take away any fear.
My Dad lived 9 months. Right when it started to get really really bad....the Lord mercifully took him home. March 12, 1996...my Dad got a new name in Heaven, a new body, got to meet Jesus face to face, and hopefully saw my mother! Knowing my Dad...he danced on streets of gold too...his special dance that only I got to see! (twinkle toes) :) What an amazing gift for this daughter! Blessed assurance that one day....I will be with him! OH how I miss him. I wonder what he would have thought about my boys? When I snuggle with my kids, I always think of my Dad - Shane would have loved snuggle buggling with him! Brendan...sometimes has a smell that reminds me of Norman! Kyle, well, he would love my Dad with his whole heart...like he does so well!

Dear Daddy, I know you can't read this. But, as I sit here with tears flowing down my face I want you to know that I'm so thankful I had a Daddy who loved me unconditionally. Because of you, I could totally accept the Lord as my Father! So many have a poor God image because of their past experiences. Not me, Daddy!

So many years have passed. When I visited your gravesite, I would talk with you. I know it sounds silly, but it made me feel good. Mike has been so good to me Dad! You would have been proud! I was able to teach 9 years in a High School in NJ. I gave birth to three amazing boys Dad! I think you would have loved them! They would totally have worn you out. But you know what, they just saw you on video a few months ago and they talk about you now! Brendan's head has the Norman Sine smell! lol! I lost 14 babies trying to get pregnant, I wonder if you know them? I know this sounds crazy, but when I lost my first child, I remember seeing (probably in a dream) him with you...smiling!

Honestly Dad, these past few years have been very difficult for me. I sometimes miss being someone's daughter, someone's little girl. But I have to say, God has totally and completely filled your void Dad...and He really is the perfect fit! As I'm sure you know! The Lord has also been with me during these most difficult years/months/days. He has done amazing, miraculous things for Mike and I...He really is taking such good care of us! I love you Daddy! I miss you like crazy...for some reason...a lot this year! I'm not sad, no worries! Yes, I'm crying like a baby, but you know...as my kids would put it..they're combo tears: tears of joy, sadness and just because I'm a woman! lol! I look forward to sitting at the marriage feast of the Lamb with you Dad....until then...I love you always...and forever in my heart! ♥

I think all the tears that have flowed while I wrote down these memories...have really be theraputic! If you've followed along, thank you for allowing me a place to be so private (so publicly). I hope you, in some way, if you've endured these past few posts, were blessed!

The Apple of His Eye..Part II

I handed him the letter and walked downstairs. I remember the feeling in my stomach as I sat among the people in the cafeteria. There was no way I could eat or drink anything. I sat and I prayed. I prayed that my Dad would finally make a decision for Christ. I prayed that the Lord would heal him of whatever was making him so ill. I prayed that the Lord would give me many more years with my Dad. I prayed God's ultimate will to be done...because I knew...that no matter what, God had what was best in store for my Dad.

Twenty minutes seemed like eternity to me...meanwhile upstairs...eternity was beginning to be set in motion for my Dad. Here is the letter that I wrote to him 15 years ago:

June 1, 1995

Dear Daddy,

Do you know how much I love you? I love you so much that when we begin to talk about it we both begin to cry--it never fails. I don’t honestly think anyone can love you like I do!! I want you to know that I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control. You realize, I hope, that it was God and God alone that saved you back in November, and once again I am trusting in God to save you again. I trust the Lord Jesus, Daddy, He has brought us through so much. Do you ever wonder how I turned out the way I did? You know, you and Pat were placed in my life by God to save me from a life of pain and suffering. Many people hear my life story and are amazed that I turned out the way I did. But I always tell people that when I was in 2nd grade, I was staying with my Dad and Pat and they sent me to Bible Camp (Camp Shadyrest) in the summer. I learned at camp that Jesus Christ died for my sins, and that all I had to do was to ask Jesus to come into my heart and forgive me of my sins and He would do just that. I learned that that was the only way I would get to heaven. So, I did Dad. I ask Jesus into my heart and He forgave me of my sins, and now I know I will spend eternal life with Jesus in heaven. If it wasn’t for you and Pat, I would not have done that then.

Daddy, that is the best feeling ya know! Knowing how much Jesus loves me and that someday I am going to go to heaven. Dad, I love you so much, I want you to have that same assurance. I know there is only one way to heaven - and that is just by asking Jesus to come into your life and to forgive you of your sins. Dad, I know you, you are a wonderful person. You’ve never done anything that you probably see as sin. But the fact is that we are all born in sin. The Bible says in Romans 3:23 “all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God.” That means that I was a sinner, even when I was 7 years old. That is why Jesus died. In John 3:16 the bible says “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him will have eternal life.” That is why God sent Jesus to this earth, so that He could die for us and for our sin and we would have a chance to go to heaven. One more verse -- Romans 6:23 “The wages of sin is death; but the GIFT of God is Eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” All you have to do is ASK, it is a free gift from God. He wants us to go to heaven, but He is so fair that he leaves us with the choice. I know you want someday to go to heaven Dad, and I am going to show you just how easy it is to do just that. It is not hard Dad, all it takes is asking. Jesus will help you live a life that is pleasing to Him. He already loves you so much Daddy! I’m sure you can see that. He saved your life, and now, as I am praying for you, I know He wants to save your life forever!!

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God?
2. Do I believe that Jesus Christ was sent by God to die for our sins, and that He in fact died on the cross and shed His blood for me?
3. Do I believe that I am a sinner?

If you can honestly say yes to those three questions than you can be saved Dad! You can be saved!! Just pray a simple prayer: it can go something like this:

Dear Lord, I know that I am a sinner and I know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I also believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me and my sin, just so that I can have eternal life. I want eternal life. Jesus, please come into my heart today just as I am, and take away all of my sin. I love you Jesus, and I thank you for saving my life!

It is that easy dad!

If you say this prayer or one similar and you really mean it, God will do what
He promises and give you Eternal Life in Heaven.

Dad, I wrote this to you, because I love you more than words could ever express, and I want to know that we will always, and I mean always be together eternally!

If after you read this letter, and you want to say that prayer let me know. I don’t need to be there to pray with you, but I would love to if you want. I would be more
than happy to see my daddy accept Jesus as his savior!!

Love always,

Me ♥

You know that song that you love so much, the one you hear when Billy Graham is on TV. That is just what I have been trying to say in this letter.

"Just as I am without one plea, but by thy blood was shed for me!"

When I returned to my Dad's room exactly 20 minutes later...I found my Daddy, the man who fought for me, who always made me feel like I was the most beautiful, most intelligent, most delighted in child in the universe...the man that loved me so much and never had a problem showing it...there he was sitting up in his bed with the letter in his hands and tears all over his face. Soaked with tears...he saw me...waved his hand at me to sit by him. I remember taking a tissue to his face to wipe away his tears and a memory had flooded me. (The memory of when I was 4 or 5 years old...as my Dad left my Mom, I did the exact same thing for her..took a tissue and wiped her tears. ) My parents were goodwilled people, but they were broken. It was an honor to be there for both of them, even though I'm sure, at the time, I had no idea what an honor it really was! Filled with emotion myself, neither one of us could talk for a moment. Then I asked about the letter.

Come back tomorrow for the conclusion.

The Apple of His Eye!

Would you like to take a walk down memory lane with me? I'm being very vulnerable here. In the next few days, I will post a blog related to a very bittersweet memory. If no one reads this, I understand, really, I'm writing it for two reasons: 1. So I can get it out of my mind when I sleep, and 2. So the memory can be preserved.

I wish I knew of a way to take VHS-C and put it on DVD so I can have what very little of my Dad's voice recorded in a safer place. For the first time in 15 years, I watched a video of my Dad. I remember the day I bought that camera, I bought it with the sole purpose of taping my Dad, so I could someday show my children who their Grandpa was - I got one 3 minute section of footage and that was all! But in it he tells me how much he loves me..those 3 minutes are locked in my heart forever. Next week it will be 15 years since my Dad's passing. My mother died when I was about 10 years old after my Father and his wife adopted me. My life story is complicated to say the least, but it is one where the Lord rescues a little girl, and well, it isn't finished yet. You can read my testimony in a poem I wrote here. This isn't about me, it is about my Dad. I think I'm gonna have to write a few blogs, I'm missing him more this year than I have in the past.

I was his only child, and the apple of his eye. He was a shy man and a brave man at the same time. He was a little stubborn too! I witnessed to that man my whole childhood and teenage life. His response to me was always..."I went up for salvation every week at the Salvation Army when I was little -- I don't need salvation anymore." It isn't about our timing is it? My Dad got very sick back in the early 90s, had a massive heart attack, got a pacemaker, and then he fought a battle with esophageal cancer in 1995-1996.

I'm pretty sure it is all about the Holy Spirit's timing...not about mine. So, I'm about to publish something that I've had tucked away on my computer since 1995 - mind you I was 27 when I wrote this...I haven't changed a thing...it is how it was the day I wrote it. I'll never forget that day, as long as I live.

Have you ever tried to read something, but your mind was distracted, so you have to read and read and read the same sentence over and over again? That was happening to me on June 1, 1995. I was having some quiet time and couldn't concentrate. So I sat at my computer and typed a letter. When I finished the letter I remember feeling a sense of relief, but urgency as well. So I got into my car that following Saturday morning, drove 2 hours south on the Parkway and Turnpike to the hospital where they were doing tests on my Dad. At this point in time, we did not know about the cancer, we knew he was sick and they were doing tests. I got to his room and he was so pleasantly surprised to see me. His face is etched in my heart and mind. I remember going into the room, Pat, his wife was not there..actually no one was there. I had some time to myself, to talk with him.

Instead of talking, I sat on his bed and put my head in his lap. Twenty seven years with my head resting on my Daddy...just for a few minutes. Even as I type right now..I'm having to remove my glasses because of the tears. I kind of miss being Daddy's little girl right now. Sometimes, during my quiet time, I imagine myself resting my head on Jesus' lap. Maybe that is because of this moment in my history.

After a few minutes of telling him about my students (I was a high school teacher at the time) and my plans to visit with him during the summer, I reached into my purse and pulled out this letter. I remember placing it into his weak hands. I handed him his glasses and gave him a kiss on the cheek, told him I was going down to the cafeteria for 20 minutes and we'll talk about the letter when I get back.

Stop back tomorrow as I publish the letter that I gave my Daddy to read.

Step Into The Time Machine

Set the dial for September 1989. (and don't laugh at our hair!) There I was walking around Montclair State University. A transfer student from MCCC, 20 years old and feeling a great sense of freedom. I must have joined every club on campus. That is how I get to know people. I was on the College Life Union Board, Photography Club, Conservation Club, Ski Club (that is a riot, because I only ever skied once and it was a horrible experience)! On this particular September morning I was walking in the student center and there was this little table in the corner with a few guys sitting at it. It was Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship. I was already involved in so much...then one of the guys came up to me and handed me a tract. Oh the tract. "I am already saved...thank you...save it for someone who needs Jesus" is what I said to him. He then proceeded to invite me to their Thursday night meeting. (Ok...I mean since I was from an Assemblies of God church down home...might as well).

Here is where I wish my husband would blog because his blog would go something like this: "I was sitting in the student center when what doth my eyes behold...the girl of my dreams." HA!! Well, maybe not exactly like that, but I did find out that the other guy at that table (my Mike Engel) did tell the guy that gave me the tract that he was going to "marry that girl someday." Yes he did say that!! (shhh..I didn't even notice him that day..well I knew he was at the table..but that was it)!

This is Mike & I at the Chi Alpha S.A.L.T. Retreat in Indiana Jan. 1990

I will fast forward now. I went to that Thursday meeting. I met Mike Engel (we called him Mike Engel because our campus pastor was Mike Durning..it was just easier) he was the President of Chi Alpha..he was a skinny klutzy guy with a heart of pure gold. I ended up going to his church (it was the closest AG church near my apartment in Montclair). He was a leader in the church. He lead worship, taught Wednesday night Bible Study and preached occasionally on Sunday morning. Seriously, he was awesome. Come that January we went on a Chi Alpha Retreat to Indianapolis. It was here that I started to fall in love with this man. I fell in love with his precious heart. He told me about his call to ministry, his love for people and his love for God. He was one of the most respectful men I had ever met. He loved deeply and cared deeply. I remember going for a walk and it was snowing, he sat down on the curb and just cried when he talked about his love for God. It moved me beyond words. When I got home I told my father that I wanted to marry someone just like Mike Engel. I would never have dreamed that Mike Engel would have picked me.

One of our 500 attempts (before digital cameras) at an engagement picture! June 1990!

February came and it was Somebody Loves You Night at Chi Alpha. Mike picked me up for the meeting and gave me a rose and a card (Valentine's Day). We started dating that night. The rest as they say is history. We were engaged by June and married by December all in the same year!

December 15, 1990

Nineteen years later, he is still the most amazing man I know. We have had our growing pains like every couple, but one thing is constant...our love for each other continues to grow. People ask me what makes my marriage work. I tell them our secret (well not all of them), but this one is what we have always lived by: the Bible says "don't let the sun go down on your anger." We have never gone to bed angry. Not in 19 years. We have stayed up to see the sun rise...but we always resolve our differences before going to bed. How do we resolve our differences? We pray! I remember our first big argument. I was clearly right and he was clearly right! Hmmmm? I was mad as the mob, he was angry too! (Can't remember what was so important 18 years ago). It was a long night, finally my husband says to me, "We have to pray!" What? Pray? UGH!! He got down on his knees right there in the living room and uttered the most humble beautiful prayer! I just melted. He asked for forgiveness, and asked the Lord to bless me. He told the Lord how much he loved me! OH I was so moved I could barely get words out of my mouth. When it was my turn to pray...I already felt so much love for this man (the same man I think I was so mad at I could spit nails)...I remember crying and asking God to forgive me, then I started praying blessing over this man that I loved. Well, praying for someone, who you don't like at the moment, is the best way to resolve conflicts. It melts your heart and makes you love all over again! It is our solution....it has worked for 19 years! Now we teach our children the same thing!

Mike & Lisa Engel - 19th Wedding Anniversary!

Don't Wait Until Your 40!

What is it with adults?! Really...the older we get the more fearful of some things we become. You remember when your were a kid...you went swimming in the ocean and you didn't give the sharks a single thought as you laid prostrate on a boogie board looking like a sea turtle or seal (shark food)! Now, as adults that is all we think about when we go swimming in the ocean....shark bait!

All this to say, that a few months ago my niece Kaelee begged me to get my ears pierced. I wanted them done anyway, but the thought of getting shot in my ears didn't really excited me too much! (Let me say that when I was 16 my friend Linda did surprise me with getting my ears pierced...I guess they closed up...I haven't worn earring in 20 years or so! - again...when we are younger it is not that big of deal!)

Today, as promised my nieces Kaelee & Holly, my sister-in-law Kristen and my mother-in-law all met me at Walmart (I know, it was a family affair!) and I got 'em done! The ears are now pierced. As you will see the girls held my hand...it hurt...and it was over (There is a big lesson to be learned here...but for another blog)! Now I feel pretty! Enjoy the shots! (no pun intended)

Here we are...she's taking a look to see if she can see my "old" holes Anticipation is worse than the actual event...
Well, actually I take that back!

Then I had to do it again...oh the price we pay for vanity!

Let The Count Down Begin!

Soon it will be birthday week here in the Engel home. With Kyle & Brendan's birthday on the 12th and Shane's on the 16th! The official count down began on the 2nd of June. Why? Because as my almost 8 year old said..."You always count down from 10 Mom!" 10...9...8...7... Yes, 9 more days and my twins will be 8. Oh my goodness! I always get choked up! I promise not to go into all of the drama of my pregnancy and birth. (do a search for infertility tags and you can read more details if you like). For any new readers, I was a fertility patient for 10 years...Kyle & Brendan were the first out of 14 babies that survived an almost full term pregnancy....and I almost died giving birth...4 days in and out of a coma...10 days in the hospital...raising twins every since! There, that is all the drama in a nutshell!

Ok, now for the fun! I figured since most of my family and friends who read this blog already know my story I would just put a few pictures in to journal the beginning of this journey! Since pictures paint a thousand words...well then...that is a whole lot less typing for me!

The picture above was designed and constructed by a woman in my life who prophetically spoke into my life directly regarding my pregnancy and birth of my children. She purchased my two cribs before I was even through my first trimester because the Lord clearly spoke to her at a Christmas Eve service. It was "touch and go" for these babies, and to hear her say the Lord told her to purchase two cribs was sweet news to my heart! Then while I was on continued bed rest..she called again and said she was showering and the Lord clearly showed her a phrase that she knew to be mine for this pregnancy. "To God be the glory, great things He hath done!" A song that I sang in my heart for many years on my fertility journey! She and her husband were over my apartment designing and decorating!

Here are my boys 8 weeks three days! What a familiar, but wonderful sight! I had ultrasounds done every two weeks in the beginning and every week during my second trimester and twice a week in my third. I have way too many ultrasound pictures I can't count!
Here they are again around 5 months! A new and glorious sight to be seen!

The picture below was taken at about 5 months as well!

Seriously, I looked about 12 months here! Yup 5 months! You should have seen me at 8 when I gave birth! HA!
Ahh...home at last! Two babies...7lbs each! I chose not to show hospital pictures..you know me getting 8 blood transfusions...just not pleasant to look at! That would be Brendan with his mouth opened...I am pretty sure if I looked now it would still be opened!
I want to give a shout out to whomever invented the pacifier or Binky as we called it!

"I LOVE YOU!" I love these two pictures! I have thousands...as you can imagine...these were among my top thousand favorites!
This following picture was taken when they were approximately 3 months old...my first day out of the house...I had a car accident! However, my friend Janet Cox and I still decided to brave the mall! I love this picture because there is my Kyle comforting his brother Brendan. He used to do this a lot. Ironically enough, when Brendan and Kyle were in Kindergarten, Brendan hated the cafeteria (hated school in general) and the staff would allow Kyle to go give Brendan a hug every day even though they were not in the same class..because it made Brendan feel better! Awwwe!
My boys and their fascination with baskets! Perhaps it began here! They were such happy babies! Possibly because the had the happiest parents in the world!
You cannot read the letter I wrote to them on this collage, but it is the first of 7 I have written. Every year I write a new letter to each of my boys and give it to them in a very special book. (This first year they got books too, but there is never any room to write in those books that are touch and feel friendly for one year olds!) On this poster are pictures of their first year of life...along with little nick names and memories! Very special! To end this post I will write the letter I wrote below!
Dear Kyle and Brendan,
Happy 1st Birthday! Mommy & Daddy love you so much! You are our precious priceless treasures from God! We have had the most amazing year with the two of you in our lives. Nothing could have prepared us for the joy you have brought to us! May you grow in God! We pray that the next year brings more smiles, giggles, hugs & kisses, but more importantly we pray that as you develop and mature you learn that you are loved so very deeply by Mommy and Daddy, but most of all by the Author of love Himself...Jesus! Love Always, Mommy & Daddy June 12, 2002

Do You See What I See?

One of the many reasons we love Florida is the sky! Sometimes we get the best skies - stormy, sunny, sunsets, cloudy, we love to just watch the sky. A few days ago, we were on our way home from the YMCA and we were all looking at the sky. The clouds were amazing. They were puffy and white and there were some amazing shapes up there.

When we got home we laid out on our trampoline and just gazed. Then the best part happened....conversation! "I see Winnie-The-Pooh...can you see it?", "I see a race car...see the smoke!", "Oh I see a baby on his back...do you see him?", "What do you see Mom?" If you know my children, you might be able to guess who said what. That is what tickles me so much. Oh the conversations and the attempts to see what others were seeing was making us laugh. "Just look right where my finger is pointing....!" and this made me smile, "If you squint maybe you can see some of Heaven."

The interesting thing that I realized is that each of my children saw in the clouds what is special to them. Matthew 6:21 says "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I know this doesn't exactly relate to what we see in clouds, but I thought about what my children could have seen and I am blessed that they are seeing beautiful things that bring them joy and comfort. Anne Morrow Lindbergh once said "One can get just as much exultation in losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing. It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy!" I would just replace daisy with clouds and say Amen!

Gifts continued... from previous posts:

111. The beautiful sky full of wonder and imagination.

112. The creative mind of a child.

113. The comfort of memories.

114. The unconditional love and acceptance that my boys share! May it last forever!

115. The ability to find joy in the smallest things.