Silent Pain Brought to Light

Kyle, Brendan and Shane

As if the transformation from boy to man isn't difficult enough, add on the social pressures, hormonal changes, and well meaning parents and it's the making of a perfect storm.

(This post was shared with Kyle prior to my posting.)

This isn't going to be an easy post, but I feel strongly that I have a small voice and if I can help someone else....well,  you understand. This has been, hands down the most difficult year of Kyle's life. As most know, Kyle is my son who was diagnosed at 3 years old with PDD-NOS (a spectrum disorder). Recently the Lord has been revealing His Word to me as it relates to our body, mind and spirit. The Lord brought to my memory today of words I've spoken in the past - words that both Kyle and I had to reread. Here is that post - He's My Superhero.

This past year Kyle has been under certain torment. Imagine the square peg in a round hole. He was finding it easier to be "himself" among people that do not know him, that can not see him, and that only know him by the words he types on a screen. So as a parent you see a pull to this environment, you naturally want to limit his exposure because after all, "these people aren't really your friends Kyle," you don't really know who they are...they are...words typed on a screen.

So, I may not know everything there is to know about all things techy, but that is why I work extra hard to be sure I'm on and in everything my kids do. They know that with every device they have - I have the ability to access it at any given time. That's the way its done around here. I had a parent tell me that their child would not appreciate knowing that I can look at a chat that they're involved in. Well, sorry - pick up the telephone and chat the old fashioned way...I'm not listening to phone calls. We all need accountability....and they are all minors. Anyway, with that said I had read some of the most beautiful words written by my son to others in this building game that he plays. His heart for people astounds me. His heartfelt prayers for people....I know it is kind of a ministry for him. However, he was getting lost in that world. I had to help bring him back.

We went to counseling and he was/is loved by his counselor. She adores him. Kyle will tell you, he had so much anger pent up inside of him. He would lash out, uncontrollably. We started not to recognize him at all.

Mike and I tried to help him by showing him different ways to handle himself. In the most loving way a parent can, we would try to help Kyle "change" so he could perhaps be more socially accepted. We didn't understand. An example would be, Kyle had this "thing" where he would want to give everyone a high five but at the last minute move his hand so you would miss. Okay, not bad right? Well, not the first 20 times, but after a while we kept thinking, everyone is going to get so tired of this. Or his crazy dancing that he would do - people may think that is odd or goofy. So we would suggest, "hey buddy, why don't you try to mix it up a bit, surprise people, shake their hand instead." Things like that. We would try to give him alternatives. Different ways to help him, so he didn't "stand out" because he was different. We just wanted him to feel loved by others. We wanted him to feel accepted, like he had friends. We were afraid that kids were not wanting to be around him. He didn't want to go to co-op, church anywhere...he just wanted to stay home and be with his online friends.  We were just trying to get him to hold back on the things we interpreted as "unusual behavior" or "awkward".

All the while, not understanding what was happening, we were trying to squeeze this very special peg in to a box that he wasn't ever meant to fit into. Well, that's painful isn't it. When the counselor said to us, "You are probably the only people who think Kyle has to change, everybody else in that youth group, or co-op or anyone that knows Kyle is not expecting Kyle to be any different." I wept and wept. My son, who was tired of living, who told me it would be better if he were not alive and if he went to be with Jesus. My boy who smiles and makes people around him smile, was dying on the inside...and the people who love him the most were just trying to make him into something he was not. As if what he is...wasn't enough. OUCH!

He is enough. He is perfect. He is a teenage boy, with a sense of humor, a style of his own. He is this child who marches to the beat of his own drum. The same boy who drew this 5 years ago...

So, as the video shows below shows, we have embraced Kyle's uniqueness. We actually try to remember to encourage it. In this we were at a coffee house and it was 80s night. My boy got up and danced his own special dance and people just came out and joined him. He was on top of the world. So we did what any proud parents would do..we cheered him on (even though it reminded me of some 80s version of jazzercise). We laughed, clapped and cheered and it was FUN! When we got in the car that night he said, "The best part about this night was when I heard you guys cheering me on - that made me feel awesome." Lesson learned! So, we love our Kyle so much. He's going through some serious stuff, I would rather have crazy Kyle, the Kyle that God created, the one that was chosen and who is greatly loved, holy, a child of God than a boy who doesn't know who he is.

Parenting. It's not for wimps. He still has limitations on his technology, I still try to encourage other avenues of entertainment. He had a life altering encounter with the Holy Spirit while he was away at camp with our church youth group. He went up for prayer for a broken heart and he came back whole! He feels like he has friends at church now, brothers. He knows what the Lord has done for him. He wants to share his story with others. He even asked if I thought he could be a youth pastor. Ummm....YES!! I have always believed Kyle was special and unique and that God created him for greatness. I got a little lost in the every day teenage hormonal storm, but I'm standing strong now. It's not easy...I'm a human being...but every single day I rely on the Holy Spirit to get me through. I am working on "supernatural parenting" as our youth pastor would call it. I'm thankful for those that have supported us during this time, this very silent time. I encourage you, do not make the mistakes we've made. Just like Kyle never wanted anyone to ever know he spoke of suicide, we never wanted anyone to know the anguish and level of discontent we were living with either. When you put that stuff in the light, the enemy loses his power. Find people you can trust, people you know will storm Heaven on your behalf. People who will speak life over your family and over you. People who will put you in your place and tell you what is what. I'm so thankful. Kyle is still going through puberty, he still struggles with many things. No question. But I see a huge change in him. I see him trying to get past the limitations his disorder has claimed in his life. We now declare over him what God's word says. Autism Spectrum Disorder...its got nothing over my boy! He is created in the image of God, whole and perfect with a destiny that will astonish the next generation!

God Grants My Heart's Desire

The many many years we prayed for a baby. On June 12, 2001, after many tears and trials...God grants to me the desire of my heart! The birth of my twins! Above is my Baby "B" - Brendan! This boy...is my mini me! We are so so much a like in many ways. He is indeed a treasure! A sweet sensitive spirit (an old soul as some have suggested), reflective, honoring, a walking moral compass, really...this is just to honor him today as he turned 13 this morning!

As I said in the post before this one about Brendan's twin brother Kyle (On The Day That You Were Born), every year, since the year my children were born, we have only ever given them a book for their birthday. A very special book, a book that represents their interests, or significant in some way. Then we write a letter in the book, reminding them of their accomplishments and friends and milestones reached throughout the year. Finally ending it with a written prayer for their present and future. I've copied portions of my letter below, along with pictures of Brendan growing up!

Dear Brendan, since the time you were 6 years old and you said to me, "Mom, don't worry about Kyle, when he grows up my wife and I will take care of him!" I knew then, that you had the biggest heart of compassion. Always concerned about others! You and Kyle will always have a special bond, likewise with you and Shane as well. I am so thankful for you. I don’t ever want you to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, or that you are responsible for your brothers, but I’m grateful that the Lord has fashioned your heart to care so deeply about the people you love. You and your brothers are somewhat responsible to one another (they may not have gotten that part completely yet). It is my deepest prayer that you will always be close, always be there for one another. The part you must release is that you are not responsible for their choices. You can encourage, love and try your best to point them in the right direction, but ultimately they have a journey to walk out before God, just like you. So thank you for helping them, being patient with them, and loving them.

Thank you for being so compliant for me and your Dad. Your heart of obedience will only benefit you when it comes to your relationship with God. For example, this past year you blew me out of the water! Your maturity in handling attack from the enemy was seriously so spiritually mature, I couldn’t have been more proud of you. I use to wonder if you would be a leader, or a quiet follower..there is NO doubt, you are a leader. Don’t ever stop Brendan. I believe the Lord has given you the gift of wisdom/discernment. You know your Dad has that gift too.  This year you had an genuine, supernatural encounter with the Holy Spirit! Walk with Him Brendan, talk with Him, invite the Holy Spirit to invade your world on a daily basis! I'm so proud of you son! You are an incredible young man! Genuine, honest, full of integrity, compassionate, loving, gifted, smart, talented, and one of the most selfless teenagers I know. (and you love to cook! you are my hero!) You rock my world in every wonderful way! Here is our prayer for you this year:

Dear Lord, 13 years ago, when I woke from that coma and saw these two incredible babies in the flesh, I remember I gave them back to you. You taught me Father that everything belongs to you...yes...even these priceless gifts that I waited so long for. Even now, Lord, you hold all 14 of Kyle, Brendan and Shane's brothers/sisters in Heaven waiting for us to come home for reunion...so I'm convinced, you have big plans for our boys! So, I give Brendan to you again today. It is your destiny for His life that I desire most! I know you are all about granting the desires of my heart...you have proven that time and time again!

Lord, as I have watched Brendan quietly reading the Word, I know that his desire is to know you more. I ask Father that you would continue to reveal yourself to him. May he grow in faith and in relationship with you. I pray he hands you all of his dreams and hopes, just like I did, because I know you care deeply about each one. I pray you encourage his heart in times when he keeps things hidden from me to protect my heart from pain. He has been dealt many blows this past year, he has questions and deep concerns and you have made things clear to him. Help me get out of your way Lord! He longs to rely on you...and I couldn't ask for more!

Continue to fill him with your joy! The joy of the Lord is his strength! I pray for his wife someday, may she match his heart. May she love you above all else and may he honor her always. Bless him Lord and his entire future! Keep him safe from all harm and continue to teach this young warrior how to properly and effectively use his armor.  He is such a good student isn't he Lord?! Guard him from the enemy. Weed out the people that will come into his life and do him harm, discourage him, or make him feel less than you created him to be! Give him friendships that will be like iron sharpening iron!

I get so weepy, I feel so undeserving, yet you loved me this much...this much to let me have these incredible kids. You are so good to me Father! Grant the desires of his heart Lord. As he gives you his dreams and hopes, remind him that he is always heard. May he look back on our stones of remembrance and always see your faithfulness in our lives.

This year I pray that he continues to shine your love to all who meet him. May you always be his hero! I pray that you meet him where he is, and as he desires to know you more, you reveal yourself to him in different ways. You know best Lord. Thank you for this beautiful baby who has grown to be an amazing handsome young man. He is a treasure and my heart is so full!

Lord thank you for giving him brothers that love him. Thank you for giving him the patience and love as he guides his brothers! Thank you for his HUGE heart of compassion. That comes completely from you!

Continue to grow his talents and gifts and may he always be a good steward of all that you give him. May he grow in discipleship! Father refine his gift of leadership, he is such an encourager, I pray that as he makes choices throughout his life, that you give him wisdom!

I pray that you encourage him in his pursuits. I know he prays about his future and what he will be one day. Give him vision and never ending hope! May he follow the call and destiny you have on his life! Thank you for the men of God that have been an influence on him: his Dad, Pastor John, Mr. Chuck, Pastor Ray and others.

Again, I am humbled and so thankful that 13 years ago you felt that Michael and I would be a good choice to parent these treasures. You chose to grant me my heart's desire! Thank you Lord for always filling in the gaps while our parenting is thought out and as intentional as possible...we are grateful for your grace when we fail and make mistakes. Oh how you love us! Continue to guide Mike and I as we press on in this journey, as we try to raise our children the way you want us too (which isn't always understood by the world)! Thank you for taking this little family and teaching us to walk on water as we trust in you! It has been an incredible 13 years! Hand in hand Lord, I wouldn't want to do this without you...EVER!
In the mighty name of Jesus! Amen!