Saturday, May 10, 2014

My Dreams Didn't Come True

Ten years of dreaming of becoming a mother. No really, after a while I really was day dreaming what it might be like to have children. You know my kids (I even had a girl in my dreams) were lovers of crossword puzzles, avid readers, polite, smelled good and sweet, liked fruits and vegetables, not perfect, but very storybook like. (I was dreaming). I would dream up scenarios about discipline situations, how could I effectively apply all the principles I've read about in all 23 of the books I've read about parenting. Oh...each year I lost babies to Heaven, my desire became greater and greater. I loved my babies, even named them while they were just embryos. Then it happened, I stayed pregnant for more than 4 months. Eight months of carrying Kyle and Brendan...I talked to them, read them stories, let them listen to classical music. I made Mike talk to them all the time. I would feel them moving around in that tight spot in my womb and I would lay hands on them and pray for them.

Then they were here. I was a Mom. I don't have memory of them as newborns (except for pictures) because of the fact that I was in a coma for 4 days after giving birth. Postpartum bleeding and 8 blood transfusions to help recover I was in and out of a coma. But we finally came home and I was excited to see my dreams come true.

As babies, they were quite textbook. (There were two of them so they were as textbook as they could be). These boys were Gary Ezzo "Growing Kid's God's Way" models. Seriously. Then they became toddlers. One was curious, yet obedient and sweet. The other was, well not so curious, extremely neat and cute as a button. They slept like clockwork. They were just all around amazing kids. (I'm thinking...WOW dreams do come true)!

Then exactly 2 years and 3 days Shane arrives. This rocked my world. I was fine after giving birth. So this was new to me. I held a newborn baby in my arms for the first time in my memory. This was going to be the most amazing journey ever.

I got home from the hospital in 3 days and sat down to nurse this baby and suddenly my other two were literally climbing furniture. I remember thinking...who taught them to do this while I was in the hospital? They never climbed up the changing table and took every video out of its case before. What happened to their routine?
 How did this get all confusing in just 3 days? Why wasn't this baby sleeping like the others did? Why did Shane have to ALWAYS be held? I couldn't believe how tired I was. I was appalled to think that it was my pleasure to have my husband sleep in the glider with Shane on his chest the whole night long. What was happening to my utopia?

Then they get older. I tried to introduce crossword puzzles very early, too early probably. I loaded them up with books of all kinds. They did LOVE it when I read to them. I read so much! 

Then they got older, and older they have deep voices. I have one who loves to read and do crossword puzzles. They have this love of electronics. That was never in my dreams. They want to be with friends all the time. They use to love cleaning up to the "Clean up, clean up everybody do their share" song. Now...not so much. In fact, my clean up song has become more of a melancholy tearful ballad instead of a happy clean up song.

Tomorrow is mother's day. The day I thought might never be something I would celebrate. So my dreams were a little idealistic. Now that I think about it...they were kind of boring. What I thought would be the "perfect" family when I would dream of one...really was more black and white and not so colorful.

If my dreams came true I wouldn't have a dancing king shaking every limb and body part to incredible music. I wouldn't have a boy who takes 5 hours to clean his room (same child I said was neat...the one who would line all his cars and "Little People" figures all around the room). I wouldn't have the boy who can't stop playing the piano long enough to get all his chores done. We wouldn't have had rats for pets. I would never have witnessed my superhero jump from a 15 foot tree house...twice! I wouldn't have had a child who at the age of 4 licked the monorail at Disney world and would never have had that same child ONLY eat foods that were shaped like circles or chew on tables.

I wouldn't have seen melted fruit snacks in my dryer, or had my child draw with crayons on Dad's work shirt. I know I wouldn't have had children who would take the butter cream frosting from the bowl and slather it on glazed donuts and eat them for lunch.
I wouldn't have had boys that made my house smell like a greek salad sometimes, or leave legos lying in the most hurtful places. I probably wouldn't have children who prefer to take showers outside with a bar of soap and the hose.

I probably wouldn't have had a boy who insisted on tucking me in at 8pm just so he can pray for me. Or have a 10 year old who still wants to snuggle buggle! I wouldn't have my almost 13 year old still want to camp out in my room. There is a good possibility my children wouldn't have such hearts for worship!  Maybe I wouldn't have children who say to me the night before Mother's Day "You are such a great Mom." "I feel spoiled by your love." "I want every Mother's Day to be special...because you are so special Mom!"
They may not have said things like..."Thank you for all the sacrifices you make Mom because you love us!" or "God must really think I'm special to give you to me."

My life is full, rich, and saturated with joy! I'm so so thankful for my little superheros! I'm so thankful that this is my journey...the journey of a Mom of Superheros! So glad my dreams didn't come true....these kids surpassed anything I could have ever dreamed of! I'm one blessed Mom! Happy Mother's Day to all of you amazing Moms!

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