That's My Boy

My last birthday post of 2014. It's like a hurricane around here...it blows in so fast...and within one weekend, its all calm! Happy Birthday to my sweet Shane Patrick Engel born, 7:48pm on June 16, 2003 (4 weeks early_ all because my doctor had a dream!

After trying for 10 years, losing 14 babies and finally having twins, I really thought that I was done. After all, who has time to have a baby, when you've got your hands full with twins. At some point in November of 2002, my twins were about 17 months old and I remember thinking...hmmm...something is not right. I had called my prayer partner and told her that I thought that my PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - fertility issue) must be acting up again. She told me to take a pregnancy test and I laughed at her. I had invested WAY too much money in those things for the past 12 years - NEVER showed a positive test. Something must have compelled me to buy one..and when I did...I couldn't believe my eyes. I WAS PREGNANT! Like...without the help of a fertility specialist! WHAT? HOW? WHEN? (remember I had twins running around at this time). Sure enough..went to my doctor and it was confirmed!

This pregnancy was so different. I didn't need much bed rest in the beginning. I was doing well. For the first time I got to go to church with a pregnant belly, got to pick out some clothes for him, (I had just given ALL of my baby stuff away to another family having twins). I never ever got to do anything like that for my twins because of my very strict bed rest.

Shane's time in the womb suddenly became dire during the end of the 2nd beginning of the 3rd trimester. He was not well. Shane's full story can be found here: My Gracious Gift From God. Shane's story is an absolute supernatural miracle. Feel free to read about the mighty hand of God in his healing and birth!

I know the name we picked out was totally intentional. Shane means...gracious gift from God! Indeed he was. Being a fertility patient we are never really surprised that we are pregnant, we only every disappointed that we are not!

Shane is my boy with all the energy. I don't think he ever walked. He crawled and then ran...and he hasn't stopped (now he has added, jump, flip, fall (from a 15 foot tree house). He is my gift giver, my dare devil, my snuggle bug, my action figure/superhero/football lovin' presidential expert, my Starbucks partner and doughnut lover, my boy who loves to worship...Toby Mac style! He is so thoughtful and cares so deeply. He is super sensitive to my needs in particular and has a big heart for the homeless! A die hard San Fransisco 49rs fan with a dream of going to the new Levi Stadium - Shane is going places...and no one's gonna stop him! (We couldn't if we tried...he is covered in much prayer!)

Shane I love you more than rainbows and vanilla, more than Christmas and computers, more than writing more than kisses, more than coffee on a cold morning! You have made me laugh the hardest, fear the most, and I'll be honest...I don't really want you to grow up. I'm glad you're turning 11. I'm glad you love the Lord and you talk to him by worshiping! You make my heart smile, so I'm sure you make His smile more!

Your Dad and I want you to have your heart's desire. You will be an amazing police officer and I know you could be president too. Always set the bar high Shane...and then work hard to reach it! I am proud of who you are and where God is taking you. You work hard at things that don't come easy and you've gone through some interesting learning experiences this year, but you've come on top, walked on water...and I couldn't be more happy to call you my son! I love you like crazy. Thank you for loving me...like I like to be loved. You are so thoughtful to our love languages Shane...you really are such a gift from God.

Lord, again we give you Shane. You literally formed him and reformed him in my womb 11 years ago...he is fearfully and wonderful made. He is yours. Dedicated to follow the call that YOU have placed on his life. Continue to help Mike and I to guide and direct him the best we can so he will do just that! Thank you Lord for this amazing surprise.

Lord guard his tender heart. Protect him from malice and harm, bless him Lord. May he grow in knowledge and truth about you, and may he not be able to contain it, he will have to share it. This is our boy that use to ask everyone he met "Do you know Jesus?" Unafraid and uninhibited! Keep him that way when it comes to furthering your Kingdom Lord. Use him, shape him, develop him into a Godly leader. OH a leader he will be I'm sure of it! I pray he has an insatiable hunger for the Word of God this year! May he see the living word in action! I pray for his wife. I pray that she will love you Lord, and long to worship you alongside her husband. Give her a heart of love and respect for Shane and may he always love her like Christ loves his bride!

Lord I pray for Shane and his dreams. Father you are our dream creator, I pray that his dreams would be a perfect match to yours. This way...he is sure to walk in the way you would have him walk. Bless him financially so he is able to care for his family and be a blessing to others...his love and passion is blessing others!

Father I pray that as Shane endures treatment for his allergies that you would completely heal him in the mighty name of Jesus! However, I do know that he is winning the heart of the nurse that he sees every week. We pray for Ms. Nancy all the time. See Lord, there are no accidents! I pray he walk in healing and be an overcome in all things - through Christ.

Father, I pray you grow him in the gifts you have given him, may he always have a heart of worship, love to sing and praise the Lord! Meet him where he is...may this year he have a supernatural encounter with you, that will set him on a course to follow you will on earth!

Lord, I love this boy. My eyes are welled up with tears. The way he shares his heart with me, the way he takes my face in his hands and speaks with his baby blue eyes! The way he smiles with those amazing dimples! I feel so unworthy to have this much love surrounding me. These boys, these very special, unique, amazing boys...you gave them to Mike and I to love, teach and raise. I know we don't do it perfectly, and we make plenty of mistakes, but I pray that those moments, those teachable moments for Mom and Dad have already become teachable moments for our boys as well. Lord take Shane's precious heart, mold it, form it, shape it, spread it! Rock his world Lord...fill this boy with so much joy...that everyone that meets him will see the hands, feet and heart of Jesus!

That's my Shane!

God Grants My Heart's Desire

The many many years we prayed for a baby. On June 12, 2001, after many tears and trials...God grants to me the desire of my heart! The birth of my twins! Above is my Baby "B" - Brendan! This boy...is my mini me! We are so so much a like in many ways. He is indeed a treasure! A sweet sensitive spirit (an old soul as some have suggested), reflective, honoring, a walking moral compass, really...this is just to honor him today as he turned 13 this morning!

As I said in the post before this one about Brendan's twin brother Kyle (On The Day That You Were Born), every year, since the year my children were born, we have only ever given them a book for their birthday. A very special book, a book that represents their interests, or significant in some way. Then we write a letter in the book, reminding them of their accomplishments and friends and milestones reached throughout the year. Finally ending it with a written prayer for their present and future. I've copied portions of my letter below, along with pictures of Brendan growing up!

Dear Brendan, since the time you were 6 years old and you said to me, "Mom, don't worry about Kyle, when he grows up my wife and I will take care of him!" I knew then, that you had the biggest heart of compassion. Always concerned about others! You and Kyle will always have a special bond, likewise with you and Shane as well. I am so thankful for you. I don’t ever want you to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, or that you are responsible for your brothers, but I’m grateful that the Lord has fashioned your heart to care so deeply about the people you love. You and your brothers are somewhat responsible to one another (they may not have gotten that part completely yet). It is my deepest prayer that you will always be close, always be there for one another. The part you must release is that you are not responsible for their choices. You can encourage, love and try your best to point them in the right direction, but ultimately they have a journey to walk out before God, just like you. So thank you for helping them, being patient with them, and loving them.

Thank you for being so compliant for me and your Dad. Your heart of obedience will only benefit you when it comes to your relationship with God. For example, this past year you blew me out of the water! Your maturity in handling attack from the enemy was seriously so spiritually mature, I couldn’t have been more proud of you. I use to wonder if you would be a leader, or a quiet follower..there is NO doubt, you are a leader. Don’t ever stop Brendan. I believe the Lord has given you the gift of wisdom/discernment. You know your Dad has that gift too.  This year you had an genuine, supernatural encounter with the Holy Spirit! Walk with Him Brendan, talk with Him, invite the Holy Spirit to invade your world on a daily basis! I'm so proud of you son! You are an incredible young man! Genuine, honest, full of integrity, compassionate, loving, gifted, smart, talented, and one of the most selfless teenagers I know. (and you love to cook! you are my hero!) You rock my world in every wonderful way! Here is our prayer for you this year:

Dear Lord, 13 years ago, when I woke from that coma and saw these two incredible babies in the flesh, I remember I gave them back to you. You taught me Father that everything belongs to you...yes...even these priceless gifts that I waited so long for. Even now, Lord, you hold all 14 of Kyle, Brendan and Shane's brothers/sisters in Heaven waiting for us to come home for reunion...so I'm convinced, you have big plans for our boys! So, I give Brendan to you again today. It is your destiny for His life that I desire most! I know you are all about granting the desires of my heart...you have proven that time and time again!

Lord, as I have watched Brendan quietly reading the Word, I know that his desire is to know you more. I ask Father that you would continue to reveal yourself to him. May he grow in faith and in relationship with you. I pray he hands you all of his dreams and hopes, just like I did, because I know you care deeply about each one. I pray you encourage his heart in times when he keeps things hidden from me to protect my heart from pain. He has been dealt many blows this past year, he has questions and deep concerns and you have made things clear to him. Help me get out of your way Lord! He longs to rely on you...and I couldn't ask for more!

Continue to fill him with your joy! The joy of the Lord is his strength! I pray for his wife someday, may she match his heart. May she love you above all else and may he honor her always. Bless him Lord and his entire future! Keep him safe from all harm and continue to teach this young warrior how to properly and effectively use his armor.  He is such a good student isn't he Lord?! Guard him from the enemy. Weed out the people that will come into his life and do him harm, discourage him, or make him feel less than you created him to be! Give him friendships that will be like iron sharpening iron!

I get so weepy, I feel so undeserving, yet you loved me this much...this much to let me have these incredible kids. You are so good to me Father! Grant the desires of his heart Lord. As he gives you his dreams and hopes, remind him that he is always heard. May he look back on our stones of remembrance and always see your faithfulness in our lives.

This year I pray that he continues to shine your love to all who meet him. May you always be his hero! I pray that you meet him where he is, and as he desires to know you more, you reveal yourself to him in different ways. You know best Lord. Thank you for this beautiful baby who has grown to be an amazing handsome young man. He is a treasure and my heart is so full!

Lord thank you for giving him brothers that love him. Thank you for giving him the patience and love as he guides his brothers! Thank you for his HUGE heart of compassion. That comes completely from you!

Continue to grow his talents and gifts and may he always be a good steward of all that you give him. May he grow in discipleship! Father refine his gift of leadership, he is such an encourager, I pray that as he makes choices throughout his life, that you give him wisdom!

I pray that you encourage him in his pursuits. I know he prays about his future and what he will be one day. Give him vision and never ending hope! May he follow the call and destiny you have on his life! Thank you for the men of God that have been an influence on him: his Dad, Pastor John, Mr. Chuck, Pastor Ray and others.

Again, I am humbled and so thankful that 13 years ago you felt that Michael and I would be a good choice to parent these treasures. You chose to grant me my heart's desire! Thank you Lord for always filling in the gaps while our parenting is thought out and as intentional as possible...we are grateful for your grace when we fail and make mistakes. Oh how you love us! Continue to guide Mike and I as we press on in this journey, as we try to raise our children the way you want us too (which isn't always understood by the world)! Thank you for taking this little family and teaching us to walk on water as we trust in you! It has been an incredible 13 years! Hand in hand Lord, I wouldn't want to do this without you...EVER!
In the mighty name of Jesus! Amen!

Our Little Spot

"He is like the light of morning at sunrise" - 2 Sam.23:4

Good morning Lord,

Only 4 hours of sleep, my eyes can barely open, but I sense that you are there. Our little spot. The spot were we meet every morning. The house is quiet, the children and animals are still asleep, so I know this is the time. I love that you are the Creator of the known and unknown universe yet here you are waiting for me to come to our spot.

It never fails to amaze me that when we meet, you know exactly what I need. When I need a Father, you are ready with open arms to receive me, just as I am. When I'm confused, stressed, anxious, you remind me to give all of that to you and then you hold me tight. I feel so safe and secure no matter what is going on around me. There are those times too that I come and I'm ornery. Complain, complain, complain, you are so patient. You listen, then you gently instruct, reminding me that its not about me, you help me put things in perspective and show me how to die to myself. Only You can do that, because You died...and rose again. Even in the times where I'm needing instruction or discipline, you love me so much you always leave me with my dignity.

When I've needed a Savior, I would be running to get to you in the midst of tears, yet I could see that you were running to get to me too. Then you rescued me. Scooped me up, held me tight beneath the shadow of your wings and carried me. Those times are absolutely incredible because I've seen you gently place me in a safe spot while you unleash your mighty power and do battle on my behalf! Who does that but my Savior?!

Then sometimes, like this morning, I come to you as my King! I come to our spot and I cannot sit, I must lay with my face on the ground in utter worship. At these times, I am so immensely aware that I don't have a clue. Oh we meet everyday, I spend time in your Presence we are so intimate, yet I know that it will not be until the day I see you face to face that Your All will be revealed. Even then, it may take all of eternity to see your vastness and majesty. However, there I lie, before the King of Kings and You kneel down beside me and gently lift my head and whisper sweetly in my ear, "Rise my daughter and take your place, here on my lap." You remind me again that while you are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, you've adopted me, you've chosen me. I am a daughter of the King. A King whose reign will never end. A King who chose to pay a price for me. A King who created the known and unknown universe. A King to whom all creation bows down. A Father who loves gently and unconditionally. A Savior who rescues me and battles on my behalf. I'm Yours! You're mine! Why would I EVER want to miss this time? I love our little spot!  

Soul Ministry

Raw. Probably the best word to describe how I've been feeling lately. It hurts. It burns. I'm going through my own very private (for now), very painful journey. One that I'm confident will end up producing something beautiful. Isn't that how it usually is? I'm sure willing to go through the fire in order to come out refined.

He has worked so hard...against all odds..against all naysayers...he did it! It was very difficult towards the end. We lived a 5 loaf 2 fish miracle for almost 2 years. Now he has a job, a good job...but it is just the beginning. Time to make up for the last few months of famine.

I am able to see God's hand so easily when it comes to His provision. This time he is struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The horizon just over the mountain. The land beyond the boulder. It is January. We were very intentional during this season (so proud of my family). He sees everything as falling apart...all at once....

Have you been there?

Obstacles, mountains, crisis after crisis, things literally and figuratively falling apart right before your eyes. I can see where if you don't  keep your focus..you can look at these "light and momentary troubles" and think they are never going to get any better.

Friends. We can't choose which scripture to believe or not to believe. I BELIEVE IT ALL! It is all for me. MY God longs to BLESS me. I'm the head not the tail. My Father own the cattle on a thousand hills. He has stored up for us...He WILL provide. I look back at His FAITHFULNESS. HE IS the same, yesterday...today...FOREVER.

I laid my hand on his head before the sun was even up this morning. (like he has done for me in the past). I called out to our Daddy...Oh Abba...remind him who he is...and the plans you have for him...the plans that are good, full of hope and a future. "Thank you" he says.."for caring for my soul." (We need each other.)

His Word is ALIVE and ACTIVE! It is! It doesn't matter that I feel raw...or hurt...or that he cannot see beyond the boulder..or that you think this will never end...it doesn't change the fact that HE IS!

This might remind you. I have a friend. She lives states away...yet the Holy Spirit uses her as an instrument to minister to my soul...PRECISELY...when it is needed. I mean...ALWAYS EXACT!  Never fails, whether it has been a timely card, a plaque, CD or a song link...the timing and message is PERFECT.

Friends...ONLY God can do that! He is intimately involved in your life, in my life, in his life. Whether you believe it or not...doesn't change the fact that it is true! He longs to bless you. So just wait a second.....

You have to do it like I did. Push play...and then close your eyes. If you are brave...raise your hands just a little to receive what the Holy Spirit has for you. I pray this ministers truth to your soul...as it has mine.

Here You Go God...

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death." Psalm 68:19-20

This morning I laid it all down once again...at the cross. Every once in awhile I find myself carrying things I was not made to carry. I trust in God. My faith is in Him. So...I started to give Him what I was carrying this morning..one by one I looked at all of this and began to weep. I wept because I realize that when I hold onto these things in my life, I'm not really trusting Him.

I handed Him my children...and asked him to fashion them as He chooses and protect them along the way.

I handed Him my will...to conform it to His.

I handed Him my body image...and asked Him to help motivate me to focus on my health.

I handed Him my hormones...and relinquished control to my Maker, Creator.

I handed Him my marriage...and thanked Him for the amazing gift that it is and asked Him to bless it.

I handed Him my relationships...and asked Him to cultivate each one or dissolve it if not healthy.

I handed Him my hurts...and asked Him to heal me.

I handed Him my time...and asked Him to help me prioritize and show me what's important.

I handed Him my husband...and asked Him to help me be the helpmate He's called me to be.

I handed Him my plans..and asked Him to line them up with His, plans for a hope and a future.

I handed Him my future...and asked Him to order my steps.

I handed Him my failures..and asked Him to help me see them as learning tools.

I handed Him my victories...and gave Him the Glory and asked Him to keep me from pride.

I handed Him my dreams...and asked Him redirect any that are not from Him.

I handed Him my heart...and thanked Him for being so gentle, so loving, so willing.

He is so gentle, so willing. As He took each one, He let me talk, He listened. When I was done...He reminded me that His burden is light....so we traded.

He kindly spoke to my heart and reminded me...that those things I handed Him were not mine to begin with. They are His. No doubt I have them; a husband, children, time...but they are His.  Suddenly I am thankful. I trust Him...and He trusts me.

I feel lighter. Ready to begin my day. 

How He Loves Me!

I did what I always do. Wake up and run to Jesus. It's our special time..every day. Today was not suppose to be any different. My internal clock had me awake at 5:30am, I take my place in our designated spot and begin to pray. Oh how I love Him too!!

What happened next could have made me feel horrible. Could have had me feeling behind and guilty today, but oh the contrary. As I began to pray...

That is all I can remember. Suddenly I open my eyes and its 7:00am. What? I didn't read my Bible, I didn't pray...what? I must have fallen asleep! I cannot remember the last time I've done that!

However, none of that went through my mind. NOPE! I felt such peace! I know I spent time in His presence. In fact, I woke up and felt as if I was in His very arms. I felt as though He gently caressed my hair and rubbed His hands on my cheek and whispered "Oh How I love you!" over and over again....like I do my boys sometimes. So peaceful, such a gentle touch the Father has!

Instead of feeling like one of the disciples who fell asleep at the Garden, I felt like sleep was exactly what He wanted me to have this morning..and He lovingly bestowed it upon me! What an overwhelming sense of His peace. When we rest in His lap we can't help but have peace...He is the Prince of Peace after all!

Do I have a lot to do today? Yes. It has been one of the busiest weeks ever...but I'm not in a rush (I'm writing this aren't I). He will accomplish what He desires in me and through me today!

So I begin my day, with His scent still on me! His mercy rests upon my heart and soul and today will be a wonderful day! I can't wait to spend some more time with Him. It makes you long for more! How He loves me...and I love Him too.

It's no surprise that I woke with this song in my head!

If My People...

 ...who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and I will forgive their sins and I will heal their land." - 2 Chronicles 7:14

Yesterday, May 3rd, was the National Day Of Prayer, the purpose behind this day is to mobilize prayer in America and to encourage personal repentance and righteousness in the culture. According to the official task force of the National Day of Prayer..."The National Day of Prayer is an annual observance held on the first Thursday of May, inviting people of all faiths to pray for the nation. It was created in 1952 by a joint resolution of the United States Congress, and signed into law by President Harry S. Truman. Our Task Force is a privately funded organization whose purpose is to encourage participation on the National Day of Prayer. It exists to communicate with every individual the need for personal repentance and prayer, to create appropriate materials, and to mobilize the Christian community to intercede for America’s leaders and its families. The Task Force represents a Judeo Christian expression of the national observance, based on our understanding that this country was birthed in prayer and in reverence for the God of the Bible."

My children and I were invited to join others in the "christian community" to do that very thing. Proclaim God's Word (because it never comes back void) and to pray for our nation! It was such a great honor to do this with my children. May these, our future generation, carry on our values and beliefs and passion to see this lost country with lost people and lost leaders come to the saving knowledge of Christ!

Here is our handsome "task force" above! My friend Susan is the one that told us about the opportunity! I love that one of the purposes of this local demonstration at the DeLand Courthouse included reading through the book of John and then as much Psalms as they could throughout the entire day. It was a constant flow of volunteers, reading verse after verse, chapter after chapter! 

While we were gathered during this particular time we followed along with whomever was reading. That is my boy below. The most shy of my three superheros! Reading through a chapter of John in front of some friends, some strangers and anyone who was passing by. It hit me at that moment, that this is what I pray for my children. That they would be a witness, unashamed to proclaim the gospel! There were a myriad of emotions flowing through this Mom at that moment. These homeschooled children, didn't think twice of standing in a public place, reading the gospel of John with people all around...I know Jesus was proud!

We didn't force the children to read. It was strictly volunteer. My shiest didn't flinch, but my youngest was nervous. He saw his friends (and one of them was a sweet 7 year old girl who read first) do it and it gave him courage. I love how God puts people in our lives to give us the courage to go forth and do what the Holy Spirit is nudging us to do. I am so thankful for the friends in my life and in the lives of my children who love the Lord and strive to honor Him, and help me along my journey too.

I did go and give him a little assistance. He would lose his place because this is my people oriented boy - looking at all the action going on outside our circle...I was there to get him back on track! I was so proud of him!

Then there is this young woman below. A soon to be teen. I've known her for years...and I love her! She is incredibly smart and beautiful and has no problem sharing the good news. God has big plans for her I'm sure!

The adults that were there to organize this demonstration, were touched to see our children. This Mom below had 3 young children and one on the way. I was so impressed with her passion. Getting out with three children under 6 and one on the way...I know she was like me...intentional. Doing this for her children..raising them to have a heart for what matters most. It was such an honor to pray and read with these amazing women.

When it was my turn to read my chapter, I got goosebumps. There is power in the spoke Word of God! Really there is! I had the honor of reading John Chapter 8. If you get a chance to read it...do so..and read it out loud...its powerful!

Then we had to get a picture of the crew of children on the steps of the courthouse!

They are children after all...apparently we can't get a shot without being goofy! :) Great memories!

After the photo shoot was over, we gathered in the shade to pray. This was so incredibly precious. The children all prayed from their hearts for our country, our leaders, our community. They prayed for peace, for our nation to return to its founding values. I was humbled as I agreed in prayer with our future generation.

Then we took a little time to visit the courthouse. To explain its purpose and look at all of the great pictures!

What a great group of people! I'm so glad we had this opportunity!!

After reading, praying and visiting...we decided to end our day with a quick walk to a Sweet Spot in DeLand. Ice cream for everyone...and water for me. :)